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Why lie about your feelings?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Witty_Sarcasm, Jan 8, 2015.

  1. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    What does anyone gain from pretending to have feelings for someone? I'm not talking about when someone falls in love with you, and then they fall out again. I mean when they say they love you, and want to make a life with you and all of that, only to find out it was all bold faced lies. So really, what does anyone gain by faking their feelings for someone? And how do you know if someone is being genuine, when you've been through that so many times before? How do you learn to trust again?
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I am looking forward to reading the answers to this thread. After months of thinking I don't believe my ex ever loved me, I think I know why he lied though, to take advantage of me and that he did well.
  3. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    I'm sorry to hear that :hug: I hate when people act like such jerks, it really ticks me off. it's not that hard to just be honest instead of hurting someone.
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Thank you witty, it takes a bad person to take advantage of someone's money through their emotional state.
  5. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    That's just really low. I don't know how anyone can lie to me and give me false hope of a better life or a better future when they know how bad off I am. To find out I am being lied to just makes the pain even worse. I guess some people just don't care who they hurt.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    :hug: That's awful. I was lied to too. I was told he was getting a pre pay phone and I needed to use MY ID, I didn't question it 'cos I trusted him, well what eventually happened was there was a 700 bill, when I confronted him he said the bill was a mistake and I didn't want the hassle of questioning him because I thought he loved and cared about me. Will I pay that bill? NO. If they question me I will explain I was duped and on so much medication that time that I shouldn't have been allowed to even do it ( I know, that's not even law but I am just not paying it). My name was on everything yet I walked out of my own apartment. Just thank the lord I learned this lesson at a young age.
  7. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Well, at least he's out of your life now, so he can't hurt you anymore. I don't know why people feel the need to use anyone for anything. It seems the nicer you are, the more people take advantage of you. But I wouldn't change who I am as a person, just stand up to people who treat me badly.
  8. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    I don't even want a guy holding me now I've been ripped off so many times. There are sadistic men that will use you and then there are the guys who are just really screwed up in the head who like you one minute and realize they don't the next.

    Men have nothing to do with me wanting to end it all. Menopause put me past that!
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    That is excellent advice....really really awesome advice!!! I will take heed of this, thank you :)
  10. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I do not know why people do that aside from the obvious- some for the basics of getting something or taking advantage- anything from sex and money or personal favor to even something as small as just wanting the extra attention even if they do not reciprocate the feelings they like the fact somebody feels like that about them. I believe some are simply trying not to hurt somebody - though it is clearly flawed logic and never going to end well, but maybe it starts as a white lie ( "I love that dress" just to be kind type of lie) and then grows until it is huge and causes real damage even though the intent was never malicious. Some very small minority (I would like to think) are just bad people on a power trip that get off on playing with people's emotions.

    The question of how to learn to trust I think is usually thought about completely wrong. Most people ask it as in "how do learn to trust the people that tell me they love me again" and think of it in terms of how to learn to trust others. I (purely my opinion) believe the real question they are asking or should be asking is how do you learn to trust yourself again and how do you learn to trust your own judgement again. You cannot control the actions and motivations and feelings of others - just your own. So trusting somebody else completely when you have no control over another person makes no sense.

    We trust our own instincts and feelings. If you have been burnt once or a lot of times- you come to the realization that you cannot trust your own feelings and instincts in this area. I think the difficulty in trusting comes from the fact deep down you know that you still cannot trust your own instincts and feelings. This means both you and the person trying to convince you to trust again are approaching it from the wrong angle. The guy that truly loves you and is frustrated by your lack of trusting him is trying to show you lots of ways you should be able to trust him- over the top acts of devotion, gifts, being overly effusive in telling you and reassuring you until they are not even the same person really. The fact is those things are the same way somebody with bad intent gets your trust to hurt you - and inside you know that and can see that it is to some small extent at least a put on. They are getting exhausted trying to do that and you are seeing the same falseness as times it ended badly.

    The opposite it what needs to happen - they should not be trying to make you trust them and you should not be looking for reasons to trust them. They should be trying to make you trust yourself and by allowing you to make decisions and do things and seeing that it is okay and it was a good result. They simply need to be there when you expect or need them to be so you learn to trust your instincts that when they say something they follow through and it is sincere. You should be trying to trust yourself and not them. Please do not try to make yourself better at trusting others because that is how you got hurt to begin with. Instead of trying to learn to trust others try to learn to trust yourself. You learn that by trial and error and past mistakes and when it feels wrong believing it is wrong and walking away even it it means you are still lonely for another week or month instead of pushing that feeling aside and instead of just being lonely being hurt again. That keeps relationships grounded in reality instead of a "if everything is perfect it is fun" place that cannot exist long term. It still allows relationships to grow as well, but at a natural pace over time, where you do not get hurt deeply if they do not show up one time when you needed because you know when to trust them and when you can't depend on them and keep your feeling s in check naturally.

    All just my opinion. Learn to trust yourself by taking care of your own feelings first , when you trust your own feelings and decisions you do not need to "trust" what somebody tells you- you know inside.