Oh, my heart aches for you.
I agree with M, M & I-you have to let it go, stop blaming yourself for things you had no control over. Im surprised and happy to see this thread from you. Happy because you are questioning it and wanting change, and sad because you still hold onto so much that wasnt yours (hope you know what I mean by that).
You have such a huge heart, and I know we have been talking almost every single day for the past 2 years, youve become a true friend to me that will listen, and hope the best for me without wanting anything in return. I wish and hope for you all the best in life, if you would just open yourself up to it, and let it in, cause you deserve it.
Now to your question, I think you need love, if not from a SO then from friends, animals something that shows you that your loved and wanted. Without feeling wanted, then you feel empty and alone in this world. I know what you your thinking, your saying I dont have that, but you do-just think about it.
And you have to stop the self hate (me to) because hate is a more powerful emotion than love to me, when you hate its hard to let the love in.
And I to agree that she would be kicking your butt if she could, Im sure shes yelling at you right now!!!