well went to the psychiatrist yesterday. She laughed at my fears of the hospital and basically said I needed to get over them but she thought that we could figure this out without the hospital. (Still not sure on that). She put me on Aderall and changed my Ambien to the long lasting formula in hopes that I would be able to sleep the entire night without waking up. The suicidal thoughts are still here and super bad. It got so bad that I was walking around my college campus on Monday and saw things and would think to myself that I could kill myself with that. It is horrible. I hate hear thoughts because deep down I know that I am better than this. Everyone just keeps telling me to take it one day at a time but I am tired each day seems to last a year. My anxiety is so high that it is making me sick to my stomach because I don't want anyone to find out exactly how suicidal I am. What do I do next. I need help but don't want it. I am almost to the point of saying that I don't want to get better because in six months I will be right back where I am today fighting just to stay afloat. It's too hard to keep living this way. It always seems to just be me. I can't handle the stress of this all anymore. Maybe today is the day. On the other hand it's my dad's birthday. Do I really want him to remember his birthday as the day his daughter died. The struggle is real my friends. The struggle is real.