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Why me?

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by madaboutit, Nov 8, 2013.

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  1. madaboutit

    madaboutit New Member

    I have been out of the hospital for a week now; my first admitted suicide attempt. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, which I feel is fitting. I've suffered with this as long as I can remember; my parents started me in therapy when I was 7 at the urging of my school counselor who had been seeing me for a year and a half. I was in therapy until I was 13, about the time that my parents marriage was ending. They didn't have the time to devote to my petty problems; my mother handing me a <edit total eclipse method> and asking me to just kill myself already and my father playing drunken Russian roulette with my head.

    I placed myself in the psych ward because I cheated on my husband. In our bed. And the man that I cheated with stole a very large amount of cash from my husband. I'm scared to death. Scared to tell my husband the truth. My friends know what happened, and they're pushing me to tell him.

    What's hurting me is that everyone is approaching me like I hurt them. Like my attempt inconvenienced them. "I can't believe you'd do this. You have a daughter. You could have come to me. It hurts me so much. I'm so depressed because to did this..."

    The truth is, my daughter is the reason that I'm still here. She would have no financial back up to support her future if I were gone.

    I don't want to do this anymore. I just east to go to sleep and never wake up. I don't care that everyone is hurting because I'm hurting. They're not helping me. I sit alone all night because my husband leaves and my friends are so mad they don't want to see me. But, it wasn't better before. They never took the time to acknowledge me before. I just wish I could fade into the blackness and forget that I was a person.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 8, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You need to tell your husband the truth so he can go after the man and get his money back and you and your husband can perhaps to to counciling together to heal your marriage If you sit and do nothing then nothing will change you will stuck in your fear.
    I am sorry your choices are harming you but to leave will only harm your child but you know that .
    Talk to your doctor see if counseling can be set up ok
  3. madaboutit

    madaboutit New Member

    The police are involved, they know the truth. And since my BPD has been prevalent through our entire marriage, we've already decided to get divorced when purchasing lease is up in July - this was determined in August.
  4. Elly-D

    Elly-D New Member

    I know more or less how you feel, I'm 17 now and have been depressed since I was 9, my parents sent me to a few shrinks but I pretended to be ok because I felt they didn't know the fear I was going through of being a child amd wanting to kill myself. In august I was admitted into hospital for my second suicide attempt, my parents refuse to put me on medication as they believe I am selfish and only get upset when things don't go my way, my friends reacted similar to yours and I hate myself for being so pathetic. I was abused by my ex two years ago and my parents still chose his side over mine, they never knew the fear I went through each time he invited himself over. But with your case I would give my opinion for you to tell your husband the truth and get the police involved, it might not save your marriage but it might make things slightly better. :)
  5. wyngedbyste

    wyngedbyste Well-Known Member

    Madaboutit, it's hard when we know what we should do, but we just can't because of our illness. From other people's points of view, it looks like we're just not trying or we don't care. Or even, that we're doing it on purpose. In reality, we are doing the best we can and we care a great deal. People who don't deal with depression/mental illness/suicidal feelings can't understand. It would be nice if they could, but we can't expect them to.

    If you are feeling as if you are a danger to yourself, all you have to do is walk into any emergency room and tell them. And, please, please, stay alive for your daughter. It's easy to think they'd be better off without us. They wouldn't. I've been both the child and the suicidal parent. I know how that is.

    Take it one minute at a time. Say, "I made it for this minute. That's all I have to do. One minute at a time." It helps me and maybe it'll help you.

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