2 years ago i heard a noise from my bedroom and continued to listen to my TV show on my computer not caring what it was really and was alerted by my mum that something had happened to my dad whilst he was in the shower, which i rushed to see what it was what i saw was my dad's lifeless body in front of me in the shower which my family immediately tried to revive him and we called the ambulance but to no avail by the time they arrived he was pronounced dead; from that event i have felt i have felt helpless, worthless and a lost cause. To add to my pathetic existence called life I have failed at everything i have tried at in particular sport, primary school, high school and university. My primary school years were hell for me literally. In high school i failed miserably just barely making into university. At university i feel like i am getting massacred and failing every elective i do. I only have one idea of life you are born, you are educated, you get a job, you retire and then you die. Why not just go down the fast track and just kill myself, I think it would be better for me and others that i just wasn't around anymore. It seems every day that i live is just more suffering, previously i have attempted suicide on multiple occasions all have failed and others i have had not had the guts or the courage to do, I looked to drugs and alcohol and cigarettes to escape from this misery that only led to addiction and ruining my social life and my health, failed to get a job throughout my life numerous times, being unable to do even normal household work, got medical help via counselling and seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist who just really ignore me and prescribe me medication saying it will help and diagnosed me with a development disorder and a mental illness. Why is it to me suicide seems like it we lead me to a better place than this world of agony. This world i see as being so judgement and uncaring, all i see them care about is that i conform to what they belief in and say i should belief in. Throughout my life i have being insulted, name called, assaulted and abused to the point i no longer care if i die or not. I no longer really have any true emotions, all i have is emotions that i have conformed to belief are my emotions when really those emotions have been forced upon me by conformity. This life for me is just one of utter desperation to end this pain and suffering. My friends and family it seems are only there for their own well-being not mine but just theirs, we share no interests really at all and they don't even listen to me and criticize me when i don't listen or respond to them and they hardly ever talk to me, they only talk to me when i talk to them that's even if they respond to me or when they really need someone to talk too. Time after time i feel lonely and just an idiot who will do what i am are told to do by others and conform. Everyday i wake up i feel and think the same way over and over again that suicide is my only way to to escape and end this brutality and meager existence called life. I know my solution in the majority of people's views is just a way to seek attention and is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it my eyes its the only way out of this suffering and pain.