Why must i continue to suffer?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ashamedguilt, Feb 22, 2013.

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  1. ashamedguilt

    ashamedguilt Member

    2 years ago i heard a noise from my bedroom and continued to listen to my TV show on my computer not caring what it was really and was alerted by my mum that something had happened to my dad whilst he was in the shower, which i rushed to see what it was what i saw was my dad's lifeless body in front of me in the shower which my family immediately tried to revive him and we called the ambulance but to no avail by the time they arrived he was pronounced dead; from that event i have felt i have felt helpless, worthless and a lost cause.
    To add to my pathetic existence called life I have failed at everything i have tried at in particular sport, primary school, high school and university. My primary school years were hell for me literally. In high school i failed miserably just barely making into university. At university i feel like i am getting massacred and failing every elective i do. I only have one idea of life you are born, you are educated, you get a job, you retire and then you die. Why not just go down the fast track and just kill myself, I think it would be better for me and others that i just wasn't around anymore.
    It seems every day that i live is just more suffering, previously i have attempted suicide on multiple occasions all have failed and others i have had not had the guts or the courage to do, I looked to drugs and alcohol and cigarettes to escape from this misery that only led to addiction and ruining my social life and my health, failed to get a job throughout my life numerous times, being unable to do even normal household work, got medical help via counselling and seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist who just really ignore me and prescribe me medication saying it will help and diagnosed me with a development disorder and a mental illness.
    Why is it to me suicide seems like it we lead me to a better place than this world of agony. This world i see as being so judgement and uncaring, all i see them care about is that i conform to what they belief in and say i should belief in.
    Throughout my life i have being insulted, name called, assaulted and abused to the point i no longer care if i die or not. I no longer really have any true emotions, all i have is emotions that i have conformed to belief are my emotions when really those emotions have been forced upon me by conformity. This life for me is just one of utter desperation to end this pain and suffering.
    My friends and family it seems are only there for their own well-being not mine but just theirs, we share no interests really at all and they don't even listen to me and criticize me when i don't listen or respond to them and they hardly ever talk to me, they only talk to me when i talk to them that's even if they respond to me or when they really need someone to talk too. Time after time i feel lonely and just an idiot who will do what i am are told to do by others and conform. Everyday i wake up i feel and think the same way over and over again that suicide is my only way to to escape and end this brutality and meager existence called life. I know my solution in the majority of people's views is just a way to seek attention and is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but it my eyes its the only way out of this suffering and pain.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The people that say you are just only attention seeking hun are ignorant and do not understand depression or mental illness I hope hun you do keep trying hun Different med or different therapist one you can connect with hun. Have you been diagnosed with Post trauma hun i think seeing your father that way would cause so much trauma Post traumatic syndrome hun a good therapist could help you Maybe also hun find something you would enjoy doing YOU would hun and volunteer at it for awhile just for fun ok
    I know you are not attention seeking hun and i know you are suffering and there is help and hope hun there is with right person helping you there is hugs
  3. Ume94

    Ume94 Member

    I know how you feel. Hopelessness is frightening and very saddening. I dont have the life experiences you've had but I know what its like to feel like when you dont recieve care from others. Or even kindness. Its hurtful and life is filled with people like that. But there will be people who care. I cannot guarantee you that you will meet them in your life, but do know that there are good people in this world. People who care and want to show they do, which is why im posting this message up in hopes that you will see that there areon who has just heartbreaking obstacles and hurts in your life. If there are good people like you and I lll
  4. bemore

    bemore Member

    My parents died when I was 15. My dad died January 95 and my mum commited suicide November 1995. I know how you feel and a little of what you are going through. Its a life changing event that just blows away all pre-concieved notions of how we think our lives go isnt it? We just dont envisage a future without one of our loved ones in it.

    I was suicidal for a long time. I used to take comfort in planning my suicide, it seemed like a solution that I was fully in control of. Does it feel the same for you?

    If I had a magic wand what would you change about your life?
  5. ashamedguilt

    ashamedguilt Member

    To be honest i do feel in control of my suicidal urges yet sometimes overwhelmed by it depending on my mood and situation. I plan my death with great precision and passion; i even rationally think of how i should do it so it works most effectively and painlessly now, though beforehand i was just too irrational. What i would like to change in my life is that i can actually be good at something and not fail at it, I would of also like to choose my friends my wisely so i am actually compatible with them and that they are there not just for themselves but me too. Most importantly i want my own dreams not what people expect of me and want me to do, they expect me to achieve the same high standards as my relatives have which i know i never can or will be able to do. I am just to naive to really think on my own and always conform wanting to be accepted by others; i wish i just had self awareness and could stand up for my pathetic self. Other things i would like to change in my life which i know i cant is not having neuronal migration disorder, ADHD, aspergers syndrome, bipolar, schizophrenia, major depression and post traumatic stress. We always think at first there will be a happy ending in life just like in children s story books but later when something major happens it makes us question these "pre-conceived notions" which leads to answers sometimes but then more questions it just sucks.
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