why not die?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MorganaNever, Dec 12, 2011.

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  1. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    Im actually getting annoyed at people around me at this point for being so dumb and not helping me when there still was a chance- 3 years ago lets say. I know better though, its no ones fault but mine etc etc. I'm just so sick of being alive. At this point, I have a minor inconvenience and it pulls me down instantly, then something ok happens and I stick around. Life is completely out of my control by now.

    Only reason to be alive was that it would mess up my mom and brother, but now Im so far from that story anyway. I'm not gonna do it, I'm definitely not there yet, to have the courage, but in my mind I see no reason to fight for life that took away all the other options.

    Why the hell not? At least I have some pride left and Id rather go my way then live like the shadow of the person I could have been.

    Whats so bad about death anyways? I used to be terrified of it and it would happen anyway, regardless of how we feel about it. So why can't I at least use it the way I want to and chose at least one damn thing in my life.

    And the biggest joke is the idea we had a choice. Nothing that happened to us was a choice. We make little decisions and feel it means we write our own stories, but we have no idea what it will all bring.
    When I look at what is considered "life" in this society I feel sick. When I look at my alternative Ill become insane.

    And the worst is how dumb I feel in all of this. Even this now that I'm writing. I'm aware it sounds like an immature rant of a spoiled person. Im just so tired of trying to act perfect and be perfect, I don't want to care. If I had the guts to stop and change who I am inside radically and go for the life I want Id hurt people. I wish I had no conscience.

    Oh and the best thing is I'm actually becoming so numb I really am stupid. Its hard to follow a simple instruction at this point. TO stay focused and understand the meaning of the words exhausts.

    I feel like the weirdest person in the world, I don't even know how to talk to people my own age anymore. Or anyone actually.

    If I went to a damn therapy what would it do? I can analyze whats happening myself, I am completely aware of all my options and my indecisiveness and lack of ability to act can't be fixed by reason.
    I don't want to pay so much for some idiot to pretend they listen to me for an hour and then move on to the next, and so on until I can only say "it feels nice to talk to someone".

    Who ever said people who commit suicide are cowards knows shit. I'm a coward. It still takes courage to do, more than to hang on in this completely absurd life.
  2. SarahForgot

    SarahForgot Member

    A lot of what you said I directly relate to now, but a lot of it is stuff I related to in the past. I'm not judging your maturity because I'm certain that has nothing to do with this. I just feel like there are steps up the suicide ladder: accepting death, getting over the fact that you will be dying, etc, and that scares me that other people, including you are climbing up, as well as me, but I don't want to make this post about me. I can relate to everything you said, and that really sucks. If you ever need anyone to talk to, message me.
  3. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    What you wrote about the stages of acceptance of death in relation to suicide was very interesting. I was thinking a lot about it myself.

    I don't mind if you talk about yourself in any response to me btw, if anything it almost helps to hear from others who are there, whatever different reasons there are that got us here.

    Its just that I am feeling completely stuck in this moment and can't find anything in myself that still wants this life. Only thing now is fear, and not even fear of death as much as general fear connected with doing something drastic and practical fear of pain. For instance, I know I could never jump or anything that messy so Id need to plan sth like this, and pure process of planing is what stops me. I know now I'm closer to it in some moments then the others.

    Problem is, even in the best of moments when I have least desire to actually go trough with it, I still hope for death. So it seems to me that it may be better to put my efforts to make myself get to that point finally since it seems to be the most permanent desire I have had in a while.

    ---------- Post added at 09:51 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:43 PM ----------

    Actually only thing I look forward to is alcohol. It really helps me. I am not by any means an alcoholic (even though right now I can't see any problem even if I were-whatever gets one by), but it really feels good to escape in that. I am more myself drunk then sober.

    I was thinking about saying to myself - Ill die on a certain date, and then use the fact I have limited time to finally react and just do something for the end, take a last shot or something.

    But since I'm not yet at the point where I feel certainty about the fact I can do it, it just doesn't work. EVERYTHING seems to complicated.
  4. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Hi Morgana, I noticed that for someone who can't talk to people, you've come across as being very articulate. Maybe you're not around the right people?

    I hope you post more, I'd like to read it.

    Take care
  5. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    Thank you 1Lefty. There are moments when its hard for me to form the words and have a conversation, when it comes to expressing these type of things. It seems to be much easier to write even though its easy to start over thinking, wondering if Im explaining too much and going on and on without a point, or if I summed something up so badly it makes no sense anymore and can be misinterpreted.

    So as someone who is getting frustrated with talking, its nice to be called articulate. Likewise, I hope we talk more on this forum :)
  6. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Keep coming around and posting.

    You can talk pretty freely here and not be judged.

    If you have a problem you need to talk about, this is the place to get support. Or if you prefer not to tell the whole forum, pick out someone you're comfortable with and send them a PM (private message) and you can converse one on one (actually more like email, but you get the idea.

    Take care of yourself.
  7. Unknown12

    Unknown12 New Member

    yes it does take courage to live this senseless life i also wan to kill my self any suggestions will< edit moderator total eclipse method>
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 13, 2011
  8. JollyLass

    JollyLass Member

    You don't sound weird or dumb. There is absolutely nothing wrong with expressing yourself, especially in a judement free zone. I love that you realize your mom and brother would be heartbroken if you did something. My family keeps me grounded at all times even when I get in a funk.
    You say that suicide takes a lot of courage and I don't think anyone can argue that, I just think that by struggling against it, you are actually being even more couragous. You see it as not being able to go through with it, I see it as wanting to live enough to keep trying at least a little more. That is amazing!
    It's not really my business but what kind of life do you want that would hurt people? Because unless that life is something like ninja assassin, I say you go for your dream and help people see that it is acceptable because you love it.

    I'm definetely not as articulate as you but I hope at least some of this makes sense. I'm always here to listen and chat with if you ever want to. Stay strong!
  9. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    Unknown12 - we don't discuss methods, our purpose is to avoid suicide
  10. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    Thank you for everything you said JollyLass.

    What I meant with type of life I want (not that I am even sure about all the things I do want) would mean me being free from someone elses expectations and free to dare to figure out things for myself in a bigger way then just in my mind.

    IT would mean approaching this life and world open minded, treating everyone fairly of course, but knowing I am the only one who can decide for myself. It would mean not being afraid of losing and trying to get the most of it, most knowledge I can, most understanding I can.

    Right now the reality of "The Life" and that idea simply don't go together, and the part of hurting someone, well, there is a person who is (with no bad intentions) affecting my life too much and cutting them off is something impossible because it would cause incredible, devastating pain to that person. I can't do that. Anyway at this point I got into a no way out kind of situation and now I myself can't fight anymore because ... I guess I just lost my balance, or whatever it is that gives you the determination to act, the ability to pull trough the mess and keep yourself.

    That's just one aspect of it of course. The biggest problem is something in myself that lacks a certain ability. I guess, depression. But the more aware I feel I am about everything (my life, society, the bigger picture of existence) the more hopeless I feel. I have been looking on so many different levels for anything to hold on to to pull myself out, but everything feels like a long way down. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the gap between theory and reality I can't overcome. I guess I am tired of trying and too aware to lie to myself or fool myself by inventing reasons and trying to believe in something... when I know better.

    ---------- Post added at 08:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 08:09 PM ----------

    Unknown12, I haven't read what you said originally, pm me if you ever want to talk.
  11. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I think the first paragraphs of your post sound like you've a good grasp on life in general, and your life in particular.

    Depression can be crippling, and can distort the way you see and react to things.

    You're welcome here, and you can draw on us for support and encouragement.

    Please take care of yourself, you are important
  12. Sais

    Sais Well-Known Member

    hey, Morgana, there were some stuff that made want to reply:
    1. - Nothing wrong about death, it's the most natural thing in the world. There was this quote - "We all know we are going to die, but we don't believe it."
    2. - We do have a choice concerning the way we process and react to all the crap served to us. The way we choose to take it in.
    3. - A therapist can put you in front of some questions you can't conceive to ask yourself. And something can't be fixed only by reason, but by practice, step by step. But someone must tell you the steps you're suppose to make.
    4. - the usual, I think rather nice cliche - It's harder to live for something then to die for it.
    Hope you can try to get to a therapist, at least then you can tell yourself you tried everything.

    P.S. - I get a bit paranoid on this forum, these are just my opinions, I'm not agressive, don't want to hurt anyone, just some personal opinions.
  13. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    There is nothing wrong about death, its simply unknown. I don't know if I will continue existing in any way (if there is a soul or anything) or if life was simply something that happens, one of many possibilities of what can exist.

    All I really know is who I am now and what life is. I still think there can be something as a good life, which is to try to get a maximum from it. Maximum is whatever we chose it is, but for me it would be personal growth, knowledge, the most I can get of it, and joy, whatever it is that brings it to you as long as it doesn't cause harm to others and affects their freedom to find their joy.

    So even despite the whole existential uncertainty and pointlessness I can see the charm of life. But what when it stops being accessible to us, whatever the reason is?

    No, there is nothing wrong about death, death is an option, an exit. But (as far as we know) this life at least will then be closed from me forever. Do I want that, will I leave too soon? These are the feelings when I am most optimistic, it varies a lot. Most types of life are worse then death unfortunately. Life is this weird stage where were mostly helpless and absolutely clueless as to what is happening and why. Its also the only thing I have and saying goodby to it means saying goodby to myself. Which may not be a bad thing.

    You're right about how we chose to take it in, but even that has its limits. People have to invent all kinds of reasons to give meaning to their suffering, and we as humans seem to be very creative when it comes to that. Well, maybe some of us can't. I really can't say this shit happened to me or you for some higher purpose when looking at the world, it really escapes me. I can't say who should be able to deal with what. I can't say lets smile and close our eyes to things, or push on just for the sake of staying alive. Maybe sth great does happen and a miracle saves us, I believe there is chance for that, just as there is a chance for everything. Its a random lottery.

    Good attitude and thinking about what is going on and how to react to it is essential, but not all powerful. At the point where to have a good attitude you're forced to delude yourself instead of truly understand and perceive there is a problem, and I simply can't do that. Even when the problem is within us, we are still so helpless. If we see we can't even have full control (far far from it) over our own selves we realize the position we are in on this planet.
    As long as there are choices, keep choosing. But what when you cant? IT seems to me its all gamble, it's all luck. When it's on our side we think we are winning, doing things right, having control over our destinies and can't get enough. When it isn't we realize how hard it is to explain to the one who still have it that no, its not just a frame of mind.

    I haven't tried a therapist therefore I can't say what they can or can't do. But just looking at the idea of someone who is supposed to be helping people charging 250 per hour doesn't make me feel its someone I can trust myself with. Don't get me wrong, I admire the profession, I even had the idea of studying psychology later, but that just turns me off. Either way, I do think having someone to help with the steps and affect the actual behavior patters does make sense and I am willing to give it a try.

    At the same time, I wonder what is the choice for all those people who can't afford so much money for one hour of therapy or who will need financial help for it from someone who might hold it over their heads and have unrealistic expectations.

    Sais, don't worry, you weren't aggressive and I enjoy exchanging thoughts- it can only be beneficial to hear different views and talk about them.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 16, 2011
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