Im actually getting annoyed at people around me at this point for being so dumb and not helping me when there still was a chance- 3 years ago lets say. I know better though, its no ones fault but mine etc etc. I'm just so sick of being alive. At this point, I have a minor inconvenience and it pulls me down instantly, then something ok happens and I stick around. Life is completely out of my control by now. Only reason to be alive was that it would mess up my mom and brother, but now Im so far from that story anyway. I'm not gonna do it, I'm definitely not there yet, to have the courage, but in my mind I see no reason to fight for life that took away all the other options. Why the hell not? At least I have some pride left and Id rather go my way then live like the shadow of the person I could have been. Whats so bad about death anyways? I used to be terrified of it and it would happen anyway, regardless of how we feel about it. So why can't I at least use it the way I want to and chose at least one damn thing in my life. And the biggest joke is the idea we had a choice. Nothing that happened to us was a choice. We make little decisions and feel it means we write our own stories, but we have no idea what it will all bring. When I look at what is considered "life" in this society I feel sick. When I look at my alternative Ill become insane. And the worst is how dumb I feel in all of this. Even this now that I'm writing. I'm aware it sounds like an immature rant of a spoiled person. Im just so tired of trying to act perfect and be perfect, I don't want to care. If I had the guts to stop and change who I am inside radically and go for the life I want Id hurt people. I wish I had no conscience. Oh and the best thing is I'm actually becoming so numb I really am stupid. Its hard to follow a simple instruction at this point. TO stay focused and understand the meaning of the words exhausts. I feel like the weirdest person in the world, I don't even know how to talk to people my own age anymore. Or anyone actually. If I went to a damn therapy what would it do? I can analyze whats happening myself, I am completely aware of all my options and my indecisiveness and lack of ability to act can't be fixed by reason. I don't want to pay so much for some idiot to pretend they listen to me for an hour and then move on to the next, and so on until I can only say "it feels nice to talk to someone". Who ever said people who commit suicide are cowards knows shit. I'm a coward. It still takes courage to do, more than to hang on in this completely absurd life.