Why not me? envy of the dead

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by DrownedFishOnFire, Jan 12, 2014.

  1. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    I get jealous its not ME that is dead of a heart attack when I first hear someone I know of who's close to my age that has recently passed away. I get angry it wasn't me who had the heart attack instead and died. I felt this same when a classmate of mine was murdered last fall. I wished I was the murdered victim and wished it was me taking eternal sleep in that casket rising to the ground. :fireworks:
     
  2. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I react the same way, DrownedFish. It should have been me. The world would have been better off if it had been me. And when I have friends fighting for their lives because of cancer, or some other illness, I don't understand why they want to fight; why they don't just let go.
     
  3. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    DrownedFish - and indeed She Bear - I am sorry that you are both in so much pain that you envy the death of others. I wish I had something to say that would make it better but I don't. I have, however, talked to both of you and I do know that the world would not "be a better place" for your deaths.

    I understand the desire for the pain to be over and I understand the appeal of oblivion; I would not wish that on anyone and I am sorry I do not have the words to offer any comfort :hug:
     
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am not you and do not know you so I cannot say you are wrong in saying you wish you were dead - but i suspect it is far more likely (since it is in fact the case for 98%) that it is less a case of wishing you were dead and far more a case of wishing it were yourself that was being talked of and discussed and hearing everybody say the nice stuff (very often pure crap) about. That is the typical reaction - wishing you were the center of that and nobody talking bad and no more stress .... and nothing to do with dead - which is actually just absolutely nothing - they do not hear or get to feel any of that - they are just being carted around to be put in the ground to rot. I cannot speak of your motivations - but the motivation is usually for the feelings from people, attention, and sympathy, and being dead makes that a moot point as you are not here for any of that regardless of religious belief or disbelief.

    The fact that attracts you is more of a sign of deep depression since the only thing that follows a death is lots of sadness and tears and that is what you have learned to associate with in your depressed state.
     
  5. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    No. I don't desire to be the center of attention, or talked about by people. But I do want things to be different. To be a success, to be contributing, to have something to get up for in the morning. To look in the mirror and smile at the person I see there.
     
  6. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    While my reply was not directed at you at all I am glad that you have things that you want and clearly none of the things you want will happen if dead so it is a matter of going to try to get what you want ... none of us will ever get everything we want but I sincerely hope you get some of the things you want.
     
  7. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Thanks for your replies, I do not want the attention. I actually am in middle of revising the will to be implicit there is no wake or funeral. I do not want an obituary either upon my death. Just to disappear without notice or mention like the Cheshire Cat. Which is easier now than in the past.

    I do not want my name mentioned ever again like the aboriginal believe in, no photos to remember me by. I've already destroyed as many photos I had, I have nothing no mementos nothing I am trying to eliminate as much footprints I've left behind so I've never had existed once I am gone. I'll just be part of the dust swirling into the wind and ending up wherever scattered about.

    Attention or talked about never has been the bane of my existence I've always wanted to blend in and not stand out.
     
  8. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    cant stop ppl from remembering you... i know you will be missed here, and we've no pics of you at all here...