Why not tonight?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lost2, Jun 20, 2011.

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  1. Lost2

    Lost2 Well-Known Member

    Really struggling tonight and my head is spinning
    I have it all planned out in my head and deep down I know it is the right thing to do
    Noone came to see me when I was in hospital for 2 months so noone will miss me
    My son is home for good from uni and everything is tidy and in place
    Finances are ok and I'm ready
    So why do I see my children's faces?
     
  2. Lost2

    Lost2 Well-Known Member

    They would be better off without me
    Do I want to end my whole life or just all my pain?
    No more pain would be so good - no hurt inside - but that will never happen until I am not here any more
    It all leads to the same place
     
  3. oxygenidia

    oxygenidia Well-Known Member

    I think you want the pain to go away, and I understand that feeling. But I do think that you would want to live if there was a chance you could live without pain?
    If you're alive you can work at your problems... things in your life can improve, but it could take time. If you die you can never have a chance at life again. Please don't kill yourself. You're in a dark, bad place now, but please believe that things might not always look so dark. One day you can even be happy and thankful that you did not kill yourself.

    I'm sure people would not be better off without you, they likely care more than you think.
    I don't know much about your situation, or what is going on with you. You said nobody visited you in the hospital, but that doesn't mean there aren't people in this world that care about you. People here on this forum for instance, you can find great support here. Please stay on here tonight instead of killing yourself. Wait and see, things can always improve as long as you're alive. I'm here if you need to talk.
     
  4. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    First, welcome to the forum!

    You know that they are just some thoughts under the influence of your pain...

    You know it's not really true that "They would be better off without you"...

    You know you do not really want to end your whole life...

    We cannot know what the future holds. Lots of things we have no way of knowing may happen in time...even miracles may happen...

    We cannot really know if "It all leads to the same place"...

    Please hang in there!!

    With loving wishes and hugs :hug:
     
  5. Lost2

    Lost2 Well-Known Member

    Last night was a long hard night but I made it
    Went out in my car for a few hours to sit in my place by the river
    Today is another day....
     
  6. kote

    kote Account Closed

    im glad you made it through the night!!!
    i know it must have been a long hard lonely night for you.
    please always know that this forums community is always here for you 24hrs a day everyday!!!
    i recently commited and what i learnt was that leading up to it i was in a very strange place in my head and couldnt shake it off. also i felt emotionless and void to everyone around me. i just felt the burden i am and have been for 6 years.
    it took a week after the huge drama that it soaked in the pain ive caused everyone and that i will never gain their trust back. they now pity me. the people who were with me had to sit in the ER for hours not knowing whether i will make it or not. that pain i believe must have been unbelievable for them.
    i have my own pains but its really better for everyone that im stable in bed rather than dead.
    stay here and share your pains with us and we will help you through the tough times.
     
  7. foolnomore

    foolnomore Well-Known Member

    I am not in a good place to offer advice at the momentbut please take notice of what people here say ,they talk sense. I know it is hard so try and listen to what the people here say,they are so supportive and encouraging ,listen to them and not what your own thoughts are saying.That is what I am doing and it is helping
     
  8. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    Hello,

    I am happy to hear that you've gone through the night - suicide is difficult no doubt about that but you can win it.

    I've read through your previous posts and can see that you feel rejected from what you wrote "Noone came to see me when I was in hospital for 2 months so noone will miss me" - did your family/friends knew you were in hospital for 2 months? Even if they didn't come they will still miss you, your son just came back from university - he'll soon need help to find a job and build his life and he'll need your help to do this.
     
  9. Lost2

    Lost2 Well-Known Member

    How to get through tonight when my head is full of mischief?
     
  10. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    You can make through it again tonight the way you made through last night…

    Please ignore the negative thoughts…you know how you feel will change…whatever you are experiencing now will pass…

    Please give yourself more time…there is light at the end of the tunnel...
     
  11. Lost2

    Lost2 Well-Known Member

    There is a light at the end of the tunnel and it looks so peaceful and inviting
    Lightness and no more pain
    The night is dragging on and the flashbacks have started so my skin crawls and I feel ashamed
    Why won't my head be still?
     
  12. Lost2

    Lost2 Well-Known Member

    I hate the night, the dark, the quiet and the stillness
    My head is just waiting for him to pounce - he is always here
    Am so tired that I can't do this any more and my tablets arnt working tonight
    Maybe I should take another one and try to sleep
     
  13. Pickett

    Pickett Well-Known Member

    I am sorry your children haven't been spending time with you. Don't they call you at all? Have you tried calling them?

    I'm only 23 but one thing I have noticed is that families often or eventually separate and have lives of their own. Your children may be stressed out about what is bothering them in their lives and too absorbed in it to notice you need attention. I'm sure you more than capable of understanding this so I won't go on too long.

    I bet they would be happy for you to initiate a conversation with them. Don't wait for them to make the first move. Let them know they still have a mother who loves and thinks about them.
     
  14. foolnomore

    foolnomore Well-Known Member

    I can only tell you to hang on in there,it is what i am doing.If you feel you are not getting support from those around you it could be because they don't know what to do or say not because they don't care. Unless you have been there it is hard to understand so let the people here be your support for now,they all understand and will help you/us get through it.Just keep hanging on.
     
  15. Constantinos

    Constantinos Well-Known Member

    Hello,

    You mention "he is always here", who is this "he"?

    Regarding medication, i recommend taking the dosage your doctor was prescribed to you, if you see that its not working then i recommend you call your doctor as quickly as possible.
     
  16. Lost2

    Lost2 Well-Known Member

    He is my children's Dad. 10 years ago he violently raped me the night as he was leaving me to go and live in Thailand. He left me lying in a pool of blood in the bedroom next to where my 12 year old son and 9 and 5 year old daughters were asleep.
    Most nights I relive that night and am haunted by the fact that I did not say no but I think I realised that he had reached a point of danger and I was frightened for the safety of my children.
    My children are 10 years older now and I am so proud of them. My son has just graduated from university, my eldest daughter has passed her first year exams at university and my youngest daughter is doing her GCSE's. They are wonderful, bright young adults and I have a very close relationship with them. Without them I would definately not be here now.
    I want them to have their own lives, go on holiday with friends and not worry about me so they don't know what happened and how much I struggle. They don't know how suicidal I am feeling or where my head is right now.
    A few days ago I took too many tablets and knocked myself out - when I saw my cpn I was completely white and disorientated - she just told me to go to bed and didn't ask if I had taken anything.
    I know I need some help and am shouting for it but there is no funding available for the therapy I need, even though there is a national trauma centre in the town where I live. I am seeing my psych in August!!!
    I'm just very alone with it all and trying to put on a brave face and carry on at work - but it is so hard
     
  17. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    Ye, money is not the problem(But, hugs are FREE! also HUMAN RIGHTS)

    I am also scared.. I know what suffering really is about. Because they thought they really did knew the answers..?So...Tell me!

    No one is going to miss me either...I dont have any family! BECAUSE, they dont care, they say im a lier(Im telling truth), it has gone too far I wont talk to people anymore cause I hear them saying 'she can't', 'She's psychotic'.... 'she's helpless', She's lying, lying, lying...

    Even nurses from psych ward have told me; Forever and ever. (My second-first home)...Once you coming theres no going back.

    But listen, kids will be kids, even ~~After~~ and this is the most toughest for you, I know. I am going to Go THIS WEEK, I have all 'tools' ready then and everything.. I KNOW what is feels like, I know its like NO ONE IS there EVER!!! For me though its real, but think again... you have kids, please give them love, first.. they deserves it, dont let them have a life like another, it is killing and painful....

    I am tired, very, very
    :Leiaha::Leiaha::Leiaha::Leiaha::Leiaha::Leiaha:
     
  18. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    You are so strong. You have made it through for over 10 years while your children were so young…wow...

    Your children are doing really well now. You have done such a wonderful job to bring them where they are now…

    It was one night and you relived it countless times…it must be horrible…I hope you can get help to help you get out of that nightmare and move on to live in the present, where the true reality is…
     
  19. Lost2

    Lost2 Well-Known Member

    I'm not feeling strong atm - just really tired and low but thanks for your replies x
     
  20. Lost2

    Lost2 Well-Known Member

    I am battling strong suicidal thoughts tonight - where do they come from? I wish my head would shut up
     
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