Is the reliving of that one night of nightmare still the (main) cause of pain? Is it possible to let it go given that it was 10 years ago? I know it must have been hard but maybe it is possible? You know there is nothing you need to be ashamed of… Don’t allow him to abuse you any more through the mind… Or get the help you need…you can do this and live…
How are your children? You know you love them and would enjoy things in life with them. Your daughter would love to know you more...
A few years later, you may even have grandchildren. You’d probably love to spend time with them, too…
You do not want to end your whole life. You just want to end your pain…
I really try hard to let that night go and to not think about it
The flashbacks have just been really bad lately and I can't control them
It makes me feel dirty and ashamed and really stupid that 10 years on and he is still hurting me
I am pathetic
You are not pathetic, hon. It must be extremely hard…
The mind can be conditioned in so many ways. You can be aware of what the conditioning is doing to you now. With the awareness, you can deal with it. It’s the conditioning that makes you feel dirty and ashamed. You know better now - there is no need to feel dirty or ashamed or stupid, no matter what or how it happened at the time or what’s happening in the mind now…You are NOT the mind or what it thinks...
Try to move yourself into the NOW, which is the only moment where the reality IS. Here is a little exercise for helping moving into the now:
“Use your senses fully.
Be where you are.
Just look, don’t interpret.
See the light, shapes, colors, textures.
Be aware of the silent presence of each thing.
Be aware of the space that allows everything to be.
Listen to the sounds; don’t judge them.
Listen to the silence underneath the sounds.
Touch something - anything -
and feel and acknowledge its Being.
Observe the rhythm of your breathing;
feel the air flowing in and out,
feel the life energy inside your body.
Allow everything to be, within and without.
Allow the “isness” of all things.
We probably listened to the birds together.
Keep fighting, I know it is a struggle but you can do it ,we can all fight together and encourage each other. We are strong with moments of weakness but you have so much to live for so please don't give up.