You are not pathetic, hon. It must be extremely hard…
The mind can be conditioned in so many ways. You can be aware of what the conditioning is doing to you now. With the awareness, you can deal with it. It’s the conditioning that makes you feel dirty and ashamed. You know better now - there is no need to feel dirty or ashamed or stupid, no matter what or how it happened at the time or what’s happening in the mind now…You are
NOT the mind or what it thinks...
Try to move yourself into the
NOW, which is the only moment where the
reality IS. Here is a little exercise for helping moving into the now:
“Use your senses fully.
Be where you are.
Look around.
Just look, don’t interpret.
See the light, shapes, colors, textures.
Be aware of the silent presence of each thing.
Be aware of the space that allows everything to be.
Listen to the sounds; don’t judge them.
Listen to the silence underneath the sounds.
Touch something - anything -
and feel and acknowledge its Being.
Observe the rhythm of your breathing;
feel the air flowing in and out,
feel the life energy inside your body.
Allow everything to be, within and without.
Allow the “isness” of all things.
Move deeply into the Now.”
~ from the book “Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle
I also suggest that you look at your children’s recent pictures and/or things…
Please stay strong…hang in there…