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Why not?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Aztecsfan, Jan 17, 2013.

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  1. Aztecsfan

    Aztecsfan New Member

    I'm new to this forum. I guess the reason I signed up is there's still probably the one last shred of me that doubts killing myself is the answer. I probably write a different suicide note each week. It's generally the same theme but the wording is always slightly different.

    The "why do I want to kill myself?" is simple: I just do not fucking care anymore. I'm 38 year old married father of two boys. My wife and kids take me for granted, I'm at a dead end in my career, I'm up to my ears in debt, I have absolutely no self esteem, and every day is just miserable. I've spent my whole life trying to make others happy and never once doing anything that ever made me happy. I just feel I'm a broken miserable person that won't ever find any enjoyment in life. I had yet another carrot dangled in front of me by my employer that was once again yanked away. I just can't win. And don't say just find a new job. I've already tried that and it's never that easy of a solution.

    I have a <edit moderator total eclipse method> I'll probably fuck that up to and end up as a vegetable for the rest of my life. But that fear is decreasing every single day.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 17, 2013
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Aztecsfan your kids hun are being kids ok and you have to set boundaries for them that is how they learn I think they love you very much hun as you love them I do hope you do talk to someone and do start doing things that bring YOU joy ok Even if it is just small things. I had to delete your method hun please read rules ok no methods are to be posted
    I think you do care hun that is why you are reaching out here for support Keep talking to us ok Keep venting here it helps hugs
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Is there anything you could do that would be just for you, something that would bring some enjoyment into your life? You deserve to be happy, and you shouldn't have to always do everything for other people and nothing for yourself.
  4. NottiShark

    NottiShark Member

    Sorry mate, if you have kids (esp younger ones) a suicide is really NOT one of your options, sorry. I know is tough but thats how it is. Just look at your kids and answer one really simple question, do you really wanna fucked up their life ? Maybe because of your suicide 10yrs from now they also will be in the similar shithole as you are right now. It's not only some emotional bullshit taken from some shitty suicide prevention book cause I know really well how it feels to loose dad to suicide. Believe me, you really don't want that hell for your kids.

    I know is rough but you must try to survive as long as you can, preferably wait till your kids will get their own families. Then your mission is done, you're free to go.

    In the meantime, you sound like a typical depression case. Have you tried therapy ? Are you taking any antidepressants ? Actually the thing which worked wonders for me was mindfulness meditation. Just google it.

    If you feel your family isn't fair to you, pls try talk about your suicide feelings and your struggle with your wife and see if her behavior will change. I know it takes MAAASSIVE balls to actually admit to someone that you are strongly consider suicide but find that courage.
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