I am sure there are a many that come here wondering the same thing. Why not commit suicide? I'm not really sure if I understand why living is so important other than the body's natural instinct to survive and procreate. Shouldn't a person have the right to die? Shouldn't I have the right to kill myself when I have had enough of the filthy truncheon of monotony? I have, to the best of my ability, objectively looked at myself and my life to see if I'm just having a bad stroke of luck, or that somehow I am punishing myself out of some kind of twisted self righteousness. Am I ready for this? For the sake of breivity I shall put it as blunt as I can. I am thirty years old. I had a very rough childhood and adolesenence. I got into drugs and did not graduate highschool. My brain is still damaged from all the lsd and pot that I consumed, in other words I still see halucinations. I have plunged myself into over 60,000 in debt. I have recently been divorced. Since that time I am afraid to go to sleep because I think too much. And when I finally do fall asleep, I am afraid to wake up. Therefore I drink at night time to make it easier to go to sleep. I don't want to cry anymore. But I wake up feeling like total crap. I can't seem to control myself anymore. I smoke like a chimney and while I hate it, I can't seem to pull myself away from it anymore than I can stop thinking about suicide almost every hour of every day. I have other health problems like chronic migraines...I cannot concentrate on my university course work, and my ability to pay for school has been capped out-I will be 70,000 in debt at the end of this semester and I HAVE NO DEGREE! I am two years from completion. My resume absolutely sucks as it reflects that of someone who doesn't have a clue on how to live life. And on top of all this, the place I work for lost their contract- So what little I can afford is going to slip away even farther. The last couple of days, I have stopped being depressed. I have almost quietly accepted my fate. I have already decided how and when I will kill myself. I considered walking into the mountains and never coming back out again. But I am caught by a closure issue. I don't want to leave this to becoming a missing persons case. However, on the other hand my mother would be completely devastated by a suicide. I guess it doesn't really matter because the loss is the same I just wish I could lessen its blow. I am going to go to sleep and never wake up to horrid ruins that is my life. I don't want to die alone, but I have no other choice. Ironic that the only thing I will be successful at is killing myself. I will not screw this up. I consider this an honerable death. Why deteriorate into a degenerate homeless bum or somone with a career working at the corner store as a cashier until I'm 80. I hate this society. I do not want to be apart of it. I hate being driven by the biology of procreation. I hate being manipulated by the standards that society holds. I hate gas. I hate driving. I hate going to the bathroom. I hate eating. I hate clipping my nails. I hate myself. I cannot stand just about everything. I feel completely imobilized. My motivation is gone, because I know that my efforts to imrove my life will ultimately end up in ruins. There is something fundamentally wrong with my brain and my behavior. And I have looked at it the best I could to make it better. I have given a lot. I have been generous with others. I have a lot of friends. I am polite and courteous and helpful. I am thankful. But no good deed goes unpunished. Often when its the hardest to go to sleep, I say over and over again In my head, "May the peace of God's holy spirit fall upon this room" I thank God for everything that I do have. So I am not a self centered bastered who hates his life just because he's a decrepit person. Quite the contrary. I just can't take screwing up anymore. I screwed up my life from 15-27 with drugs. I screwed up my college career. I screwed up my military career. I screwed up my marriage. I screwed up my financial health. I don't think anyone is going to understand how totally screwed up I really am. The above is just the icing on the cake. My mom says, "hey don't worry. Just go forward and pay for school as you go, and you'll figure a way to get out of debt." NO! I'll be almost 36 by the time I am degreed on this route. I have come late to everything, its like I'm always 10 years behind everyone else. Perhaps that's the way people want to live, paying and paying and paying. Going home, going to sleep, going to work, going home.... I hate money. The way society is in general is so repulsive to me. I suck at life. So why not? If you don't fit in and you don't even really want to fit in why stick around and die slowly one day at a time? Why? Why do I owe not killing myself to those around me? So their sensibilities about the finite aren't offended? So they can watch me deteriorate and eventually reject me anyway? What the fuck do you people want from me! Can't you understand that my pain and the utter embarassment that is my life is just getting worse by the day and I am powerless to stop it! All I can say is that I am very sorry that you will miss me. But if you could be me for a day and live with all my ghosts you would understand that this is an act of mercy. Why not? Why am I even asking this question? Because some little tiny part of me wants to live? Is that it? Not really. I guess perhaps because I have thought of this too long, I wonder if anyone is going to tell me something that I haven't thought of. I will receive it with an open mind for the sake of being objective.