Why...Now...Should I...?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by AthenaSyphier, Dec 27, 2008.

  1. AthenaSyphier

    AthenaSyphier Active Member

    Life is really sucking right now.

    My dad moved, thinking me and my mom were going to move with him. But my mom left him. At first, everything was fine on my part. It didnt really bother me. After all, my mom and dad were having issues thru-out their whole marriage. And I think it all started when I was like 6 and my mom threatened to leave, and my dad said we (me and my two bro's) were the reason she was leaving. I dont remember that, but my older bro does. I really never forgave my dad for saying that, and I wish I had the last time I saw him.

    Anyway, when mom told me she was going to get a separation from dad, I was ok with it. It never really bothered me. Then, my mom started to "date" this guy from work. He was married. He has a 5 year old daughter. My mom is technically still married. So was this man. Yet they started dated. Granted the man was going thru shit with his wife, and now she is leaving him, but still, to me it wasnt right. I think once I saw how much my mom loved him (which was more then I could ever say about her loving dad) it dawned on me that my mom and dad would NEVER have a chance to be together again. We werent the happy family in the pictures...but we WERE a family. Now, we arent. When my boyfriend came into my life, he made everything bearable. Easy, if you will. I was able to cry to him about my dad, my mom, my brother's and the fact that his ex is dishing out bullshit that doesnt need to be.

    My best friend in the world is going thru some shit, and she IS my family. I would die for her. I would give my life if it would make her's better. I cant stand to see what she is going thru, what I am going thru, and what is being dished to me and my boyfriend. Why cant life get better? Why cant people just leave better enough alone? Why cant my mom see that I am happy with him?

    She sent him back to his parent's cause she thought I needed to get things straight. She sent him 2 days before X-Mas. I will never be able to sit there and forgive her for sending him away on the time that I needed him the most. I had to go thru X-Mas without my father (who she knows I miss dearly), and yet she still sent him. One X-Mas day she looked at me and said "I'm sorry I didnt get you anything for Christmas." All I could do was look at her and say "you could have sent him AFTER X-Mas." And she looked down, nodded and said "I know." She knows yet didnt do it???

    I have started smoking cause I dont want to cut cause my friend and BF dont want me to do it. Yet everyday I sit there and look at my wrist, and wonder, would it be easier to just end it? To leave this life, leave my bf so his EX will leave him alone. To leave my mom cause she seems to need her "boy toy." Leave my brother cause his life seems so much worse then mine. (His wife leaving 2 years ago, he smokes, eat, sleeps, play WoW and thats it) Maybe I should just leave this life....I am sick and tired of all this bullshit that keeps being dished to me for no reason. I didnt do anything to her. I was trying to be her friend, to help her, and she gives me this bullshit. What did I DO!? I just want my mom!! I want my friend's life to get better!! I want HIM BACK HERE TO HOLD ME NOW WHILE I CRY!!!!!!

    I'm Sorry Everyone!
     
  2. LunaCerdiwan

    LunaCerdiwan Active Member

    You have nothing to be sorry for. Yes, I would not like to see you cry, cut, smoke, or be even remotely sad but we are trying to make things better. We just have to block everything bad out that we can or take it with a smile on our faces. It would never be better or easier to end your life. NEVER!!!! There would be countless people that would be devistated. Death never solves anything it just tends to make it worse. I know how hard things are for you right now, for us right now....but it will get better. Soon, Pern will be back, we will have our own place, and all we will have to worry about is working, and ourselves. That is all. We will be in our own little sancuary leaning on each other. I love you. I NEVER want to see anything bad happen to you. Me and Pern are trying to make it a little more bearable. I know that he isn't here right now but AS SOON as we get settled I will be splitting that ticket with you and he will have a one way trip down here to live with us. Mainly, to live with you. I am trying my hardest to make things better for you and for me. And don't tell me you are sorry because I want to help you, I want to know everything that is happening in your life. I am your best friend, your sister, and your family. I am here for you to talk to, to scream at, to cry to, to hug, to laugh with, or anything else in that matter. I love you sweetie. I really do. Pern loves you too. We wouldn't have that any other way. We will never leave you. Don't give up hope, hope is what makes us strong, what makes us hold tight to our dreams, and keep moving forward.


    I love you. Always have, always will.