Why now????

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Crazy Cat, Oct 4, 2016.

  1. Crazy Cat

    Crazy Cat Member

    I was 10 years old when I witnessed my oldest brother murder my dad and attempt to murder my mum. It was a horrific attack. Prior to that I was sexually abused by my other brother. I became a Christian and found hope in Jesus. I got married, had 2 beautiful children who I've watched grow up and fall in love themselves. I had a book published about how I overcame my past and am about to celebrate 25 years of marriage.

    Everything in my life looks amazing...the only problem is I don't want to live it any more. I don't know why this is happening now after all the battles I've fought & won?? I guess I'm just tired & I don't want to have to fight any more. I want out but I don't want to hurt anyone else in the process. Imy feeling confused.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 4, 2016
  2. sahel

    sahel SF Supporter

    I am impressed and happy about how you handled your situation.

    I don't know what the reason is, I just wish you find it, and solve it. It's the time to enjoy your success, please don't give up and ask for help. hugs
  3. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    It's inspirational how you've overcome everything. Sometimes our past just has a way of catching up with us. I don't feel that I'll ever be "cured" of depression and the cause of my PTSD. I'm able to manage it, but I've accepted it's lifelong and sometimes I need more help to get it back to the manageable stage. Are you able to see a counselor or therapist to help you sort all of these feelings out?
  4. Crazy Cat

    Crazy Cat Member

    Thanks for y
  5. Crazy Cat

    Crazy Cat Member

    Thanks Sahel, your encouragement means a lot.
  6. Crazy Cat

    Crazy Cat Member

    Thanks Frances M. Yes, I've been seeing a psychologist for 5 months which i 'think' is helpful, even though i dont 'feel' like it is.

    It's been suggested I go on medication but I've heard lots of negative experiences which I'm obviously trying to avoid.

    Going to eternity just seems so appealing.
    Frances M likes this.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum @Crazy Cat I am so deeply sorry for all you have been through. I know you have heard many bad things about medicines, side effects, withdrawals but in my experience medication helps an awful lot, it doesn't fix everything but helps you get where you want to get mentally. Please keep reaching out for help, you deserve the best care there is.
    Crazy Cat likes this.
  8. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    I felt the same way, I was never sure if seeing a therapist helped or not. But in hindsight, it did. My view is that time+talk is very healing. If you need meds to help you cope in the meantime, there are small doses of anti-d's you can try that might help; but if you don't want the risk, I get that. There are natural remedies to help with overall anxiety. I take passionflower in the form of a tincture twice a day, it helps to calm me and keep anxiety away.
    Crazy Cat likes this.
  9. Crazy Cat

    Crazy Cat Member

    Thank you for your tips and for reaching out. I'll look into some natural remedies & see how they go.
    Frances M likes this.
  10. mgo

    mgo Member

    Hi Crazy Cat — from what I've read you have overcome a lot of obstacles. Have faith in yourself that if you got through it before, you can do it again. Think about all of the difficulties you've ever faced and how you got yourself through it. Try to use the same tactics as before. If it doesn't work, there are always new things to try. I know you'll be able to do it. I am so proud of you.
    Crazy Cat likes this.
  11. Crazy Cat

    Crazy Cat Member

    Thanks Mgo. It's nice having a forum to go to for encouragement. It surprisingly means a lot coming from strangers.
    mgo likes this.
  12. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member


    You mention that you are tired and don't want to fight anymore. Is there something in particular that is most responsible for your feeling tired lately? What do you feel you are fighting these days? If you feel comfortable elaborating on that, this community may be able to offer more detailed advice for your situation. Best wishes.
  13. Crazy Cat

    Crazy Cat Member

    Hi BarryW, I had 3 specific events earlier in the year that triggered my PTSD. Since then I've been trying to stop my entire life from unravelling but it's exhausting. My GP asked me what my average day looks like & this is what I boiled it down to...

    1. I get on average 6-7 hours sleep a night (for which I'm immensely grateful for.)

    2. I wake up & go about my daily business... I laugh, interact, have fun and do my job well.

    3. And then..out of the blue, I'm flooded with this overwhelming sense that somethings wrong...that I'm broken... too hard to fix.

    4. I feel overwhelmed thinking about everything: my dad, the attack, my mum, my brothers, the abuse, what I've processed, what I haven't, WHAT AND WHO I've lost as a result of all of these events.

    5. I feel like someone has shattered my life into a million pieces & I'm left desperately trying to pick up the pieces and make them whole again.

    5. But its impossible. Im fighting a losing battle. No-one understands. I feel alone, hopeless.

    6. I want to escape the feelings but know I can't.

    7. I feel sorry for myself (I'm the Queen of pity parties!)

    8. I think about all the different ways I can escape.

    9. Death feels appealing. I could do it in a nice way and write to my loved ones explaining its not they're fault..blah blah blah.

    10. I know they'd be devastated & I tell myself I'm being stupid.

    11. I steal some time alone to gather my thoughts.

    12. I talk to God & listen to music to find solace.

    13. I start thinking about all of the positives things in my life (of which they're are many) and tell myself to harden up..after all..everyone has issues. I just need to suck it up.

    14. I pick myself up, dust myself off and get back to doing what I was doing..

    15. It takes everything within me, but I succeed... albeit feeling exhausted.

    16. This happens several times a day.

    17. I go to bed, wake up & repeat.

    I'm open to any suggestions anyone has on what I can do differently...
  14. BarryW

    BarryW Well-Known Member

    CrazyCat, thank you for that great detail. I'm glad that you are not having trouble at work! I don't have suggestions regarding specifically PTSD but I imagine there are some good articles or forum threads on it here. If I am reading correctly it sounds like you only start to feel overwhelmed some time after work? Does it start when you reach home or on the commute? I'm wondering whether there is a certain trigger such as a location or the people around you.

    Everyone's body is different but it might help to try a small increase in your sleep at night if possible. Feeling mentally tired or overwhelmed can come more easily if you don't have sufficient sleep. Perhaps try 7.5 hours a night which it sounds you are pretty close to.

    I'm sorry to hear you are repeating this process multiple times a day. I can relate to finding death appealing and getting stuck into the same loops of negative thought, but as I spend more time on this site I am spending less time on those thoughts. I hope you can find something that works for you.
    Crazy Cat likes this.
  15. Brian777

    Brian777 Safety and Support Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Hello Crazy Cat, I've heard of this therapy called EMDR for PTSD, I believe it's quite new but some therapists are using it with a lot of success. I found an article on it and will post the link, hopefully it may give you another option.
    Take care
  16. Crazy Cat

    Crazy Cat Member

    Thanks Barry. I think there is a trigger at work. I love my job, the people I work with & the vision & mission of the organisation BUT, 6 months ago my husband stepped down as being the CEO. It triggered my PTSD as I was confronted with the 'loss' of him at work, which triggered the enormous losses I've faced in my life. Leaving is of course an option however this would bring about even more loss. I'm sure I'll find a way through it, but until then I just have to fumble my way through.