Why numb?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mandyj101, Aug 20, 2009.

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  1. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi SD..
    firstly im really sorry ur feeling like this.. :hug:
    your post is a really powerful peice of writing.. u describe how ur feeling very well.. i can relate 2 it all unfortunately.. have u tried writing poetry? it could help and i think u would be really good at it..
    have u tried seeking some support through ur doctor? there are things they can point u in the direction of that can really help..
    take care.. u can pm me if u ever want 2 talk.. x
     
  2. sd-239192

    sd-239192 Well-Known Member

    I sit here tonight just pondering the world as it passes slowly and methodically in front of me, and i come to wonder why exactly is the lack of interest my plague? now i am not saying i'm not interested but the world is almost of a muted pallet now. i always found things intriguing, but now things i used to enjoy with awe and wonder just seem like part of the background, nothing special, that "magic" is gone now and i have sought to find where that magic is hiding.

    once i could sit and watch the sunset and just marvel in awe at the brilliance of the soon to be night sky. but now that show of color is bland and uneventful.

    i aspire to be an engineer and things of a technical nature used to fascinate me, the complex workings of a clock ticking in perfect time would pique my interest. now its just a timepiece that's running a few seconds too slow and getting slower by a second each hour.

    at one time i could see something and wish to construct it, make it better make it my own brain child. but now those things never come to fruition. even now i have countless unfinished works on my workbench but none give me any desire to finish them, and like me they will forever be incomplete.

    and now not even the prospect of killing myself seems worth the effort. like my projects i have expended too much energy in trying to finish this one, and most critical, plan. but now... it seems i cant muster the energy to go forward, i'm not quite worth the energy to do it. i survive too easily and only something beyond my control can do the job, something that requires only a small amount of input. i have found myself more willing to go into harms way to do small tasks. maybe someone will finish this last project for me? maybe, maybe not. personally i don't care anymore.

    but in the end its the fact that i don't feel anymore that is the sapping force. not even pain anymore, i don't hurt, although i can become tired its only when exerting myself. i don't sleep and me sitting here writing this overly long message is a testament to that. its 1.32 am as of this point. there is only one question on my mind at this point. is it worth the energy to finish this page, and right now i say... no
     
  3. sd-239192

    sd-239192 Well-Known Member

    yes, i am i poet of sorts although i find my work to be little to nothing in terms beauty. I only seem to have this dramatic writing when i feel poorly about myself, my works are grim and cold, all be it collected. as for doctors i find no real want or need in them. people driven by a common greed going about posing as people there to help you? i find no reason to be helped by someone with the likes of them. i have seen psychiatrists, they prove useless. one says i'm fine, when another wants me in containment.

    im being cut short here i have another engagement to attend to as of now.
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    While some professionals can seem heartless there are those that care deeply
    you have to search for the one that fits you takes time but that person is out there that will help you if you let them.
     
  5. sd-239192

    sd-239192 Well-Known Member

    although im sure that there may be some good people out there, it wont matter for me much longer. i don't have much time to finish this so ill leave you with this,
    sanity is nothing more then a figment of a twisted mind.

    good night
     
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