I am at the end of the road. Been close to here before, but this time it's acceptance. I just can't go on living like this. I suck. This weekend - I go home, fly 1000km to my home town. A girl from home has been txting me and keeping in contact with me regularly. Tells me she wants to see me. Wants to catch up. We've hooked up before, and I enjoyed it so much. But I am really nervous going back to my home town, because every time I do, I feel so lonely, and have massive anxiety attacks because I am constantly reminded of bad memories, and how much of a loser I am. I really don't want to go back home. Despite this, I play along. I get really optimistic. I text her back telling her I miss her like crazy as well. This goes on for two weeks, until I arrive back home. Then, something changes. Her attitude changes. we catch up, I get affectionate, not much in return. There's this weirdness there. Ignoring texts and leaving them a long time to be answered. Texts which she said I could send, or stated that we could do it. Excuses given, which I know aren't the case. Somethings up. I let out my feelings. I apologize for a number of things which my brain thinks it's doing. I try to get inside her head. But I feel pushy and bad for doing it. Above all else, I feel pathetic for klinging on to something that clearly isn't there. I care really deeply. I just don't want to hurt her, or make her feel uncomfortable. I can't stand these games. This is the second time it's happened. I feel like shit. It won't be getting better. This isnt' the only reason, I guess it just encapulates a false positivity and naiiveity that has been the only thing that's kept me going to this point. It's time to give up. I feel comfortable finally. I have my plans. This is the end.