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Why should I carry on?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Regenesis, Dec 29, 2008.

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  1. Regenesis

    Regenesis Well-Known Member

    I had some threads on which I said I want to die because of various reasons,like the fact that I am shy,that no one will ever like me,that I am unloveable and that I am worthless and not capable of doing anything.
    But the fact is that I simply don't se why I should live.In the last years I was worse and worse.I stoped learning at school and now I might not making to the next year.I isolated myself a lot.Until a few years ago I was fat and I was isolated from the world,but I had a few friends.Now I lost weight and I look ok,but I just became more isolated.All I do is to stay in front of my pc.I want to start studying again,and to start making my life worth something,but I just don't have the energy.In the past,even if I was shy and didnt had many friends,I was still spending some time with those that I had.And I was happy sometimes.But in the last years,I closed myself from the exterior world,and I even forgot how is to be happy.I miss those days on which I was enjoing that holliday has come,or any other litle joys.Nothing makes me happy.I play lots of games at at pc,but that only distracts me.It does not make me happy.
    I really don't know what is wrong with me.I tried to find reasons,si I was thinking that maybe because of my issues with sex,or because I am so shy,but I just don;t know.Sometimes(like today) I really am not bothered that I'll nevr have sex or that I'll be alone.Maybe I just want to believe I am upset on those things,but the fatc is that I dont know whats going on with me.I dont even talk to my parents anymore.Yeah,we had a fight a few days ago,but they are not bad peoples.I only talk to them if I ask them to give me money,or other stuff like that.I just dont talk to anyone.Even teachers from school called my parents and told them they worry about me and that I changed a lot.
    When I started to lose weight,I did it because I was starting to become like I am now.And I thought that by loosing weight I will change.But now I am just worse then ever.I cannot be happy even if i don't have any reasons to be upset.And I lost all my will to live.I said in a few threads that is up to me to make my life worth something.But right now I am not capable of anything.
    At school,until about 3years ago(almost 4)I was in the first 4-4 children at study.Now I am the last in my class,and probably wont make to next year.
    Right now others noticed that I amvery bad at studies,but I am bad at everything now.When other things will come,I will be bad at those also.
    I know that because I just dont do anything.I just stay in front of my PC,and I am isolated from peoples around me.
  2. innocencexisxlove

    innocencexisxlove Well-Known Member

    :hug: hun.. i'm sorry to hear all this..
    i think you should try to get yourself out there
    be more social.. i know you're shy, but
    as soon as you start talking to people
    things will brighten up.


    PM me anytime dear
  3. hellwithhugewounds

    hellwithhugewounds Well-Known Member

    I know exactly how you feel. It seems that loneliness is the worst of poisons. It feels that if we have companionship, then we can have something to look forward to, something to keep us going. We are social creatures, maybe our inherent need to be social is a flaw for people like us....

    I know this holiday sadness well. It's the knowledge that during the holidays, almost every normal person will be sharing their joy of the season with friends, family, people who like them and like to spend time with them. But there is no such person for us. During the holidays we are most reminded that we are truly alone, and that's a horrible thought. No matter how much we deny it, humans inherently don't want to be alone. It's truly destructive.

    I'm amazed that your teachers either care so much or are so good at seeing the changes in people. No such thing at my school.

    We lose the will to be happy because we do not see any hope in the future. Oftentimes we have suicidal thoughts not because our current predicament is so horribly unbearable, but the thought of the patheticness of our futures entrenches us in mental anguish... That's something that is hard to overcome. Even when everyone says to change the way you live so you won't have to commit suicide, it's really hard, when not being able to change to make your future better is why many of us are suicidal in the first place. I really don't see a way around this.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hi Regenisis,
    I know exactly how you feel about school. I ended up dropping out because I was self medicating myself with pot. It helped me ignore the hatred I had for my parents. They made me up and move when I was in tenth grade. I had friends, a GF, and life was good. Then they moved me clear across the country. So I chose to stay stoned all the time and they kicked me out when I was seventeen. So I hitch hiked around the country for a year (back then it was fairly safe to do that) now adays there are to many weirdos that will pick you up.
    I had to lie to employers about my schooling to get a job. Luckily they never checked my story. I guess what I am trying to get across is finish school and maybe Uni. When you get to feeling a little better and try to work you will need those papers. It is very important to employers now adays. Myself I don't work anymore and I am on SSI because of several reasons.
    I hope you are seeking help thru a therapist!! They can help you to cope with life. The first thing my therapist told me when I started seeing her was I have given up on life, and that I don't care about myself. I have been doing alot of thinking here lately and have deduced that I still feel that way. She has helped me make some progress in other areas. The forum has also been good therapy for me. It gives me the courage to open up and talk to everyone. In the real world I don't speak to anyone except my sister I live with (very few words with her) and my therapist. I don't even say much to my shrink he does all the talking and cuts you off when you try to speak, so I just sit there and shake my head.
    The help is out there and I understand it is not easy just to drag you butt out of bed. For the past month I have fallen back into not wanting to get up and do something. I get up to let the dog out to do his buis., to get something to eat, and to smoke. I cant smoke in my sisters house. I really hope you will at least see a therapist, and realize it takes time to trust her/him enough to spill your guts. I have been with mine for three years and she still doesn't know everything. Good Luck To You!!~Joseph~
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