Why should I continue to suffer?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bipolarkitty, Nov 7, 2006.

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  1. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I'm so very tired of life. I'm told repeatedly that things will get better. But I know that this pain will continue to return. Over and over for the rest of my life. What kind of life is that to look forward to?

    I'm tired of this pain. I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything. I'm tired of the very process of life.

    I keep wondering why people try so hard to keep me alive. Why anyone would want someone to be trapped in this eternal torment and suffering is beyond me. And that saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem just pisses me off. This state of existence is not temporary for me. It's a life sentence.

    I can't stand this hurt. It crushes my chest and makes it hard to breathe. I can't function anymore. I can't think. Why should I have to suffer this anymore? I've felt this way for close to 20 years and if I live to old age, probably another 50 years of this. Why would I want that??

    If I could live my life and not feel this terrible despair for the majority of it, then I wouldn't even consider ending it. There are things I love. But I can't see any other way out of this hell. And the things and people I love just don't offset the pain anymore. I don't want to hurt them, but I don't know what else to do.

    I just want the pain to stop.
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    http://www.near-death.com/andreason.html <mod edit: bunny - please note this link contains religious material>

    maybe i don't feel, but i certainly understand how you are feeling. I was feeling the same way too; however, i went onto searching for answers allover. library, bookstores, the net. e.t.c
    I would really appreciate if you could p.m me and tell me what exaclty is bothering you at this point in your earthly temporary life.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 7, 2006
  3. muslim

    muslim Well-Known Member

    al salam 3alaikom
    how r u bipolarkitty
    if u believe me u r walking in a fully dark road
    but that road will end !!!!!!!!
    do u know how it will be ended
    the sun will appear and ur road will be clear
    u must have ur goals in that life
    u must know y u are here in that world
    this sun is religion
    dont think that my words is meanless
    life without religion is none
    just try u will see
    i will take u to the begining of the road
    but promise me not to leave without giving me ur opinion
    waiting ur reply
  4. ACRon

    ACRon Well-Known Member

    Are you having a laugh? a person follows their own path. Im so happy for you that you have found your faith and you are complete as a person. To recommend others follow you on that basis will only lead to negative feelings towards you. Im an enlightened man of my own spirituality. I know if I am to help another person be happy I have to look at what they want in their heart and soul and help them toward their goals and not make radical suggestions to join a faith they are not familiar with. please can I ask that you consider the person you are talking to without finding fault with them on the basis that they do not adhere to your personal choices in life.

    please continue posting but every person is unique and support should be offered to cater for their own needs. please take care and have peace in yourself.
  5. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I was reaching out for some solace and comfort. I wasn't looking for, or wanting to be preached to about religion. Thank you Sketches for pointing that out.
  6. yoyo_girl

    yoyo_girl Member

    holy crap... I am so sorry kitty. NO ONE should be shoving religion into the face of anyone, much less someone who is hurting so. Dang people... :dry:

    i am bipolar too. I understand exactly what you mean about this not being a temporary problem. If you read my post I am asking some of the same things too. :(

    i don't know why we should try to keep going. i honestly don't.

    i do know though, that as long as I am even asking that question..as you are... then there must be some part of me that wants a good answer. If I didn't care about an answer, I wouldn't ask, right?

    i am hurt. i am angry. I am very very very tired of having it return again and again. Even people who experience depression don't understand that for us even 'happiness' can be an issue.

    i feel cheated.

    but, for today at least, i am going to put one foot in front of the other simply because i am still wanting someone to give me a good reason. I am not wanting to find out that there is no reason. I already feel that way... what I want is to be proven wrong.

    I am sory if I put all of that too much in the first person... I don't know any other way to try to say I can relate to your pain and maybe help you look at it differently.

    i wish you a good moment... a moment is all we have.
  7. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    Hi Kitty, I'm from ok too. Where in ok are U from? I know what you're going through as I've had the same sort of thoughts the last few months as well. But rest assured there is always hope. I still have the thoughts U are going through but now I get therapy and medication. It does help somewhat. Let me know if U need to talk.
  8. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    yoyo girl, that's exactly how I feel. No matter how much better it gets, there's always the knowledge that the pain will come back. I feel cheated too.

    I want a good answer also, because there are things in this life that I do love. It's just that it hurts so bad and it keeps coming back. I don't want to hurt like this anymore, and I certainly didn't sign up for seconds, or thirds...

    Dave, I'm in central oklahoma. I'm in individual therapy, a cognitive behavioral therapy group, and a bipolar group as well. I'm also on medications, but they have never worked very well for me. I'm glad they're working for you.

    You know, that's another way I feel cheated. Why don't the meds work for me? I feel like I'm beyond hope.
  9. AliveAndAwake

    AliveAndAwake Active Member

    Hello everyone, I'm new here. Anyways, just here to say hi and that I hope the best for all of you that are suffering.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 26, 2006
  10. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    HI AliveandAwake. Glad to see U share your story. I know what U mean about not being able to talk frankly to your family about what you're going through. It seems to me U have a lot going for U in life. A good family is definitely something rare these days. U committing suicide will only make them devastated. The meds do help but they only help, they can't cure. U have to seek out professional help if it gets too bad. I also know what U mean about being a different person on the job. I go through the same thing. It's very tough to do. Saps your well being. If U need to talk anytime PM me on rayden921 on yahoo.
  11. AliveAndAwake

    AliveAndAwake Active Member

    Sorry Dave303, I just edited my last post. I regreted what I put on there before, so I changed it.
  12. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    HI Alive, I don't see why U changed it. I totally understood what U meant.
  13. AliveAndAwake

    AliveAndAwake Active Member

    Grieving family due to a suicide VS grieving suicidal person

    Good matchup....
  14. yoyo_girl

    yoyo_girl Member

    i'm very glad i was able to connect with you bipolarkitty. The meds only work well for me if life isn't too chaotic. If things get too stressful they aren't worth a hill of beans.

    you said it perfectly.

    Mental/emotional pain is the worst there is. I think it's a different ballgame when you know you're going to fall down over and over. Right now the thing I focus on is that when I do feel good I know I don't want to die. I just have to find some reasons that make those times worth the rest and I don't know what those reasons are.

    There was a time when I would carry around razor blades with me because I felt better knowing that if I couldn't stand it one more minute I had that option. Those were some of the darkest days of my life.

    I worked hard to get away from that mental place. But I never got far enough. I was never able to completely unshackle myself and run far from it. Now, I find myself circling the pit again.

    I wish you well girl.. I definitely hear you. I hope you find an answer, any answer. Life always has a way out... but no way back in.

    many blessings
  15. AliveAndAwake

    AliveAndAwake Active Member

    " I once read an interesting obituary in the newspaper though. A man had committed suicide at the age of about 40. The man's father didn't call it a tragedy or anything. He said that the poor guy just never was right for this world. Maybe it takes that many years for a parent to finally realize it."

    I took that phrase from somewhere on the internet. Very interesting though.
  16. yoyo_girl

    yoyo_girl Member

    that *is* interesting. I have often wondered whether the burden of feeling so tired of life would be as great if our society's ideas about death were different. What I mean is that we are made to believe that feeling suicidal, even mentioning thinking about it, is so bad... something to be so ashamed of.. People hide it. We're afraid someone might call the police and/or we'll end up locked up. I think that very problem makes people even more tired of life. Tired of hiding it, tired of everything.
  17. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    yoyo girl, I also carried something with me. Sleeping pills. I must have carried them for over a year once. I've also carried razor blades. There was solace in the thought that if it got bad enough, I already had the means with me wherever I was.

    You're right about if there's too much stress the meds don't work. I hope you find an answer as well.

    There is so much stigma associated with what we suffer with. Whether it be mental illness like bipolar or depression, or suicidal thoughts. The fear of rejection can overwhelm the need to ask for help.

    As for that phrase, it struck a chord in me. I've felt that way. That I'm not right for this world. That I don't belong here.
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