I'm so very tired of life. I'm told repeatedly that things will get better. But I know that this pain will continue to return. Over and over for the rest of my life. What kind of life is that to look forward to? I'm tired of this pain. I don't want to go to sleep. I don't want to wake up. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything. I'm tired of the very process of life. I keep wondering why people try so hard to keep me alive. Why anyone would want someone to be trapped in this eternal torment and suffering is beyond me. And that saying that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem just pisses me off. This state of existence is not temporary for me. It's a life sentence. I can't stand this hurt. It crushes my chest and makes it hard to breathe. I can't function anymore. I can't think. Why should I have to suffer this anymore? I've felt this way for close to 20 years and if I live to old age, probably another 50 years of this. Why would I want that?? If I could live my life and not feel this terrible despair for the majority of it, then I wouldn't even consider ending it. There are things I love. But I can't see any other way out of this hell. And the things and people I love just don't offset the pain anymore. I don't want to hurt them, but I don't know what else to do. I just want the pain to stop.