Why should I go on when life does NOT get any better? (LONG)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alliance, Nov 3, 2010.

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  1. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    LIES! I'm not 14 anymore, I'm 31 and I still want to kill my ****ing self. It gets much worse with age. After 17 years of contemplating killing myself, haven't I thought it through enough for the right to?

    I mean if I don't kill myself:

    1) Are you going to pay for me to live? You know, pay my rent, buy me a car and pay for all my necessities?

    - I had a 2nd job interview today for a full time job with benefits, but I don't think I'll get it. The recession is hurting me and I've been desperate for work. 31 years old and living with my parents in a small redneck town. How sad am I? Driving my parents' car (mom & stepdad) and cannot afford my own with only $800-900 to my name left.

    Finished school at a University, but I owe $1000 until I can get my degree (BA Liberal Studies). I was going to use my degree to try and teach English in Japan so that I could marry my now-ex-Japanese-girlfriend. Even if I was accepted to teach as an ALT over there, what good would my dream be if she wasn't in it?

    2) Are you going to provide for me a lovely, caring woman (WHO IS NOT BI-POLAR!) who can complete me? My last girlfriend is VERY bi-polar and after 8 months being with her I am convinced she is Satan, although I'm atheist.

    - Even if I hooked up with the best and most attractive woman, it wouldn't make me any less heartbroken about my Japanese ex from 7 years ago (not bi-polar ex), who I try not to think about, but I still dream about her often.

    3) Are you going to bring back my dad and grandmother?

    - I still dream about them a lot, and it hurts so bad to wake up and realize that they are gone forever and you're stuck in this world you don't want to be in. My Japanese ex, father and grandmother were the most important people to me. I'll never hear from them again. WTF ?

    4) Are you going to make sure I don't grow old? Are you going to prevent me from a long painful process of dying? Cure cancer if I ever get it? Are you going to prevent me from being lonely?

    5) Are you going to stop me from hating people and hating the ****ed up way the world is?

    - There is so much ****ed up things in this world, and almost all people make me sick. I'd rather isolate myself than hang out with most people. I go to the store, and most everyone I see in there just makes me sad to be human. I hate humanity and I hate myself for being human. I frown a little more each day, life isn't worthwhile, I have very low self esteem and confidence

    - What in life is worth living for? The only thing in life I want is my ex whom I haven't heard from in 7 years. It still hurts so much even though I'm usually pretty good with not thinking about her. However, it's still there digging into my heart and IT NEVER STOPS! NEVER ****ING STOPS!

    WTF am I living for? Nothing in this terrible world makes me happy. I try and try and try so hard, but that doesn't make life any less awful.

    I cried on the freeway and I started tearing up so much right now as I write this. I usually don't cry anymore, not for years, since I cried almost every night for a few years after my ex broke up with me. I go on and on and on when the thing I want the most I can never have. All girls since then I haven't really cared about much, and my last girlfriend is Satan, and don't want another girlfriend after her. She makes me hate people even more (long story, won't go into)

    (and please leave God, Jesus and religion out of this discussion since I don't believe in anything, thanks in advance)
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    you don't know really you might meet the person of your dreams tomorrow i am sorry you met the she devil but now you know who not to get involved with
    we all go through break ups that are painful we learn from them and try to move on the pain is a reminder to be more then careful next time.
    i hope you do get that job it would be a ray of hope for you but if not apply to another hundred jobs until you got one.
    you are not the only adult that has had to move back in with their parents to survive so many have had to.
    I am glad you parents are there for you and helping in any way they can as they love you
    31 still young still have time to obtain you dreams who knows it could be tomorrow everthing comes together don't give up yet okay in my books you are still very young. i had not met my husband until much later in life and it was worth the wait.
  3. LogDork

    LogDork Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Fuck man, I hear ya. I'm 45 and can say it will get worse. S'what my old work buddy says, who's 62 now and he's having PARTS lopped off.
    I've got more places on my body that hurt than those that dont.
    Oh fuck, lets not start with the women, jfk, all bad there too.
  4. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    I don't know actually. My stepdad abused me physically and mentally growing up, and I've always hated my mom for being a psycho *****, and I honestly think I hate her. I at least resent her. It makes me sad to think I come from her. She cheated on my dad when I was young, and she's always been so violent; physically and mentally. Very cold.

    Anyhow, recently she took too much muscle relaxers and was falling down all over the house. I couldn't help but feel pity and think of her as pathetic. I know, it makes me sound evil for saying that, but maybe I also hate her because I blame her for my life.
    I don't want this life, it wasn't my decision, so it should be my choice whether I live or don't have to.

    Yeah, what happens if that ever happened to me, Violet? Can I then say that I would be better off if I ended my life 40 years prior? This suicide thing isn't new that I've just now thought about. I've dwelt on it for thousands of hours throughout my life, very deeply.

    I cause more harm than good in this world. I don't want to fight to live anymore. I hate society and I hate being this organic decaying matter.

    After creating this thread I have spoken to my brother in Hawaii, who actually does suffer from bad depression, heartache with ex, and social anxiety. He takes medication for them, but medication won't work for me until they make a medication that makes the world go away.

    He also said that I could go live with him in Hawaii, but I visited him there last year and didn't really care for it. Too boring and slow. It's also too expensive and I just don't feel like I can earn a living over there, or anywhere for that matter. I'm sick of being a burden to others.

    Also, I can't ever find anyone that could make me feel the same way that I did about my first love. Nothing and no one will ever be the same. I'll find someone new and then will make the mistake about talking about my ex and then they'd get jealous, like my last ex did.

    I think I'm attractive, and although 31, people usually think I'm low to mid 20's. I often notice girls checking me out and flirting. However, I don't give a ****. No one, no love, nothing can make my pain and world go away.
  5. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    I spoke to my brother about this for about an hour and a half on the phone today. He understands since he feels the same way about the world, yet has the meds for it. Meds still don't make the world any better of a place.

    Anyhow, I spent at least half an hour with my webcam practicing what I would like to say to friends and family if I do decide to go through with it. It just dawned on me that recording myself stating all my reasons and farewells would be much much better than a note, and they could see my pain.

    Although I wasn't recording, I was still crying my eyes out, and wow I look possessed by demons, I was crying so much. I'm just afraid I might forget someone important and not say the right things. The full video will be like an hour to two hours, because I love to ramble on and on about my philosophies, religion, etc. and not leave out anything important if I can help it.
  6. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Dude. No one pays me to live either. Are you asking for something which NO ONE else gets? Being paid to live?

    Sure you did not get a jobs. What about hundreds of thousands of other job hopefuls? THEY DID NOT GET A JOB EITHER. Do you really believe that YOU DESERVE SPECIAL TREATMENT which other people do not get?

    Dude, no one provides me with a lovely caring woman. But you expect someone else to provide you with one? Why?

    No one on earth can bring back dead people. Not for any amount of money. What you are asking for is irrational. Or do you believe that you are so important that other people should bring back dead people for you? What about the parents of all the dead US soldiers who died in Iraq. Do you think that they don't want to bring their sons back from the dead either?

    Now you are ridiculously irrational. Every single human being grows old. All the happy people grows old.

    No one can stop you from hating people.

    Hey at least you have been to Japan. Don't you know that Japanese people don't have it easy either.

    As for why you should go on living? There is no universal answer. The best answer I can think of is "to die tomorrow instead of today".

    If you really have NOTHING to live for, then why not go camping? If you are not afraid of death, then why are you afraid of losing all your physical possessions. The fact you are hanging to to them means you still have some material attachments to this world.

    Steven Siew
  7. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    You're missing my point though, Steven.

    I'm mainly talking to the people on this thread who always say, "life will get better", or "life is worth living", "don't do it", "hang on". Also, those are things in life that I hate that people can't make go away. I am a very sarcastic person.

    LOL @ hang on. Hang onto being depressed the next day and then the next and the next day more depression. Next year more depression, but "hang on". Five years more depression, "but hang on". Two years later, terminal cancer, but "hang on, DON'T DO IT!" You've been so unhappy the last 15 years, but there's a chance that life will be worth living someday even though it hasn't been so far.

    Hang onto the next day having dreams about the people you loved the most and waking up to the disappointment they are gone forever.

    Anyhow, I can't sleep. Thinking about my last bipolar ex is severely pissing me off and I can't sleep. I'm not sad, I'm furious and confused on why I have been treated so severely by her. Back to trying to sleep.
  8. ride26

    ride26 Member

    I feel the same way as you and I'm 22. I don't want to go on another 20yrs feeling like this. I've done lots of things to try and change, moved twice, went to school, worked different jobs etc, but nothing is helping so far. I'm starting to believe that it does get worse with age. Men 65 and older are at highest risk for suicide.

    I'm sorry you've felt like this for years. I know you think you can end a lifetime of depression by offing yourself today. I think about it all the time too.
  9. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    Hmm, not sure I knew that.

    yeah, to all the people who say to everyone to hang on and you're worth it, what if I feel the same way at 65 and wish I had done it? What if I'm on this forum at age 65 and still want to off myself?

    What if I get terminal cancer and have 1 month to live? Should I off myself, or am I worth it and need to hang on that it will get better?

    At least you're only 22. That's only 9 years younger than me, but you still have time on your side at least. Hopefully you'll make the right choices that I didn't.
  10. ride26

    ride26 Member

    Age doesn't really matter and neither does right or wrong choices. Depression is like cancer just like you said. Do you think cancer can be treated by getting a girlfriend, a job or even a million bucks? Neither can depression. A good example would be that nfl player who killed himself last month. Even Theodore Roosevelt struggled with depression. Depression is an illness that can affect anybody.

    You said you've been suffering with this for 17 years, not the usual case of the blues. Its probably time to go get some treatment which may or not work, but look at the alternative. I'm planning on getting help soon, I hope you do the same.
  11. Alliance

    Alliance Well-Known Member

    I saw a therapist for a year and it only made me more depressed since my problems were brought more to my attention. The welbutrin XL made me feel like crap too.

    There is no medicine to bring my ex girlfriend back in my life. There is no medicine to make this crappy world go away. No medicine can mask those things. I told this to my brother too, who wants me to move to Hawaii with him now. But I dunno if I really want to.

    Anyhow, the alternative is better. If I were dead I would no longer have anything to worry about and I would no longer have to worry about being lonely and dying someday.

    I DON'T WANT TO GROW OLD! I'd rather be dead than old. I don't want to suffer and after death there is no more suffering. So then, what could be better than death? Why should I hold on and don't do it if death is the ultimate release?

    Nothingness is what I want more than anything. If so then why is that a bad thing?
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    no more suffering for you maybe but what about the people you leave behind!
    your brother is already suffering depression but he's seeking help to stay alive..If you go kill yourself you can pretty well guarantee he'll follow you..

    I always say if you want to die anyway go get more help first..what have you got to lose?
    maybe you'll get the right meds and a better therapist this time ...why not go live with your brother for a while and give it a try..maybe he needs you more than you realize..
    you have that choice...so there is still hope..
    as I said what have you got to lose?
    I hope you'll give 'life' another chance
  13. Kate777

    Kate777 Well-Known Member

    Hey Alliance,

    Just read through your thread and I really feel for you. The fact that you have been suffering with these feelings for so long must make you feel incredibly frustrated and angry. Perhaps moreso when people have told you to 'hang on' or things will get better because for you, up til now, they haven't.

    In your last post you mentioned that you had tried to get help before but didn't find it beneficial - would you consider trying another form of help or another therapist? I get that right now you don't think anything could help and nothing could change the irrevocable things that have happened. And to be honest, there are things in everyones life that can't be changed - experiences we've gone through, people we've lost, the people we've hurt - it's happened and you can't change it but with the right methods it is possible to change how you feel about these things and how you view them and the effect they have on you.

    In a previous post you questioned why people told you to 'hang on' when it seems to you what it means is 'hang on to being depressed' because it never gets better. Even though it feels like that, by re-iterating it to yourself you're basically making sure it won't ever get better, what has actually happened is that is hasn't got better yet. I'm can't guarantee to you that it will get better, but you're guaranteeing that it won't. It is a fact that various forms of therapies work for different people - some might work for you, some might not - but is it worth keeping an open mind and trying them?
  14. lachrymose27

    lachrymose27 Well-Known Member

    life isn't worth living, and there is nothing to hang on to, unless you make it so. i'm 25 and have been depressed and thinking about suicide since 18. i'll probably end up like you, although i'm in a better situation, that doesn't make me happy.

    who cares about your ex-japanese girlfriend though, there are plenty of fishes out there in the world. i say that, even though i don't have a fish myself, but its a true statement i guess. at this point in my life, getting happy endings sound more meaningful. so many shallow people in this world who won't give me a chance because i don't have the confidence of most men, i don't give a fuck anymore either..
  15. LillMy8989

    LillMy8989 Well-Known Member

    You are exactly ME! (though I still can't admit it for myself). Humanity IS a sin who disgusts me but still... I don't know, I am lost for words, what do I really want I don't know and it sucks! Do I want to be a human if I'm ashamed living..? It's like I don't belong with these "animals", I am another race from another planet sometimes, why... i don't know, it's just... hard..! Just because I am mentally off it doesn't mean anything of my thinking which makes me sad when people views themselves as friendly, first, then "bye-bye you are wacko" leaving and it starts all over again, depression sets in... that's why I don't trust people, I(!) rather help people then being helped cause they can't anymore, I am too close I know now, you're right, humanity sucks by just going out 5 meters looking... gotta understand why it's blood all over my shirt, taking my life will maybe not change anything but who cares, family will but the world shall be the same for eternity...
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