Why should I go on?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by nonamee, Jan 27, 2013.

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  1. nonamee

    nonamee New Member

    I've been suicidal for 4 years and each year I decide to work things and make my life better. But each year that passes everything becomes worse and I look back and see how things were better last year and then I start to wonder why I didn't do it last year? Why I didn't do it the year before? The way things are going for me my life is just gonna get worse and worse and I have nothing to go on for. I don't have any dreams anymore. I don't think I will ever be happy in the rest of my life. No one is dependent on me, and nobody will miss me if I'm gone. I don't have any friends. The only people I have are my parents and they hate me more and more each year.

    Last year I was cutting myself and I accidentally <edit mod total eclilpse method> and I almost died and that's when they found out I was suicidal and ever since they've become worse and worse. Blaming me for ruining their life. My father is always annoyed by me and thinks I'm a pussy. My mother says that I have made her life miserable and she can't sleep because of me. They say they love me, but how can you call something like that love? They way I see it I'm only a cause of pain for them and they hate me for it. And I can't do anything about it. I can't just magically become all well one day so they wouldn't feel hurt, but that's what they expect of me. This has led me to live a fake everyday life so they would think I'm all well while I'm actually hurting inside. This means I can never talk to them when I feel I need someone to talk to because they just get annoyed and make me hurt even more. I think I need someone who would support me, and my parents expect me to support them. They want me to live a life that would make them happy even if it would make myself miserable. I've given up on them.

    There isn't anybody else besides my parents in my life. So when I die nobody will care or even notice and my parents will only be released of their pain. I don't think there is any other way that could end things. I will always hurt as long as I live and there isn't anything I can do about that so if they are annoyed by my pain and misery they should be ok with me dying.
    Last year I really wanted to finally do it but I was afraid of going alone. I wanted someone to be there while I was dying. I've always been lonely in my entire life so I thought maybe if someone was there when I was dying I could at least not think about that while dying. So I asked the girl I loved.

    Perhaps I should tell a bit about her so things would make a bit more sense:

    This girl was my cousin. (I know love between cousins are taboo in some countries but it's pretty common where I live) She is 3 years older than me. I've loved her for as long as I can remember. I think when things got really emotional was when I was 8 and I was living in the same city as her. I have lived in a different city from the rest of my family for my entire life except for two years when I was 8-9. At that time I would visit her quite often and she was a very good friend of mine. But I remember that even back then, she was someone special to me. I cared about her more than other people in my life. I felt differently towards her than other people, but I just didn't know what that feeling was called, because 8 year olds are expected to love everyone, but I loved her differently. Of course I told her multiple times that I loved her, but I guess it didn't mean anything to her coming from an 8 year old kid.

    Anyways after those two years I moved again and I wouldn't see her more than a couple of times each year, but I still loved her and tried to make the best of every time I had with her. At that time she was completely fine with it. However as I grow older and went into puberty she just suddenly started treating me completely differently. Like we were mere acquaintances instead of best friends. This made me feel bad and I asked her why she is treating me coldly lately and she said it's because something I've done, but wouldn't tell me what. To this day I have no idea what she meant by that, but that hurt me quite a lot and I would always think of what I could have possibly done wrong and why she hated me. As I said before I was lonely kid and she was one of my very few friends so losing her like that meant a great deal to me. Specially given the fact that I loved her more than my other friends. This was a time in my highschool and all my classmates were finding girlfriends for themselves. So I began to think that maybe I should have had been more supporting for her. She was from a relatively poor family and her parents would fight from time to time and she would tell me about it from time to time.

    But as I tried to pay more attention to her she hated me more and more, and thing went to a point where she would come to our house but would avoid talking to me or being alone with me in private. I wrote a letter to her and explained how I felt about her and told her I would do anything for her to make her happy. I asked my younger brother to give the letter to her since she wouldn't be alone with me I couldn't give it to her, and I went out of my home so she would have some time to think. When I came back after a few hours she wouldn't even reply to my greeting. She had teared down the letter and on the back of a part of it she had written that she is really upset about all this and would tell my parents. After that she completely stopped talking to me for two years. This made me more and more miserable and that was a quite stressing time since my parents expected me to accepted into the best university in the country and forced me to do nothing but study. I still have nightmares about that time. As a matter of fact I had a nightmare about it last night. I spent one full year being stressed out ever single moment of it.

    After two years I began to think that maybe I had overreacted about that situation and maybe it's normal for girls to be freaked out about something like that. That maybe if she would get to know me a little bit more she would think differently of me. Unfortunately at that time I was naive and had this belief that if you truly love someone from the bottom of your heart they will eventually understand that and you would at the end be happy. If I had known how the world works then perhaps I would have killed myself and saved myself all the trouble I went through the following years. Anyways since she wouldn't talk to me I decided to get her a present as a sort of apology so she would at least talk to me.

    I'm sorry I feel like I've ranted to much about something trivial and strayed out of the main point. To sum it up I loved her and she hated me and things become worse and worse each year. She found herself a boyfriend. And she told me she would never love me even if there wasn't any one else in the world but me. All this time I've kept asking her what I can do to make her feel different? If there is anything wrong with me. That I'm willing to change if there's something about me that she doesn't like. But she always would say that she simply didn't love me and she never would. This made me more miserable. I had always been a guy who wouldn't give up and who would fight for dreams till the end. Yet the most important person in my life was taken away from me and no matter how hard I tried to change things everything would only get worse.

    I had loved her since childhood and she was a big part of my life. Probably all the things I wanted in my life was partly because of her. I wanted to get into a good university and get a good job so I could provide for her. I wanted to travel and live abroad because she wanted to. Perhaps the most important thing in my life was her to be happy. And I always thought that her happiness will bring me happiness as well. All I wanted in my life was to have good family with her and have children whom I could love. Yet it seemed from her eyes I was this disgusting creature who wasn't worth living. Everything I did for her made her more unhappy. It seemed she just hated me and wanted me to simply be out of her life so she could be happy. Her happiness was in not having me around. She was pretty fine if I just wasn't there. Just like everybody else. All my life everybody has hated me. I was always friendly towards everyone. I wanted everyone I knew to be happy. Yet everyone I know just want me to go away. To not be there. I am not needed. I'm not welcomed anywhere. This has been going on through my whole life, but I had been able to cope with it because I loved her. Because I thought she would be enough for me to live. She was enough reason for me to live.

    But in the end she was the same as everybody else. She just wants me to be gone. She doesn't want me, no one does. Everybody is happy as long as I'm not there. She kept telling me that she loved me as younger brother. I asked her to stop saying such nonsense and tell me her real feelings. I asked her to be upright and tell me she hates me if she does. But she insisted that I am truly someone special in her life and she couldn't possibly want me dead. I explained to her that she was my reason to live, and if we couldn't be together there was no point in living for me. She seemed understanding at the moment, and specifically asked me to not commit suicide. She told me that it's okay that she
    I just had a breakdown, I'll post the rest later.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 27, 2013
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