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Why should I keep on living?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by esapekka, Jun 30, 2014.

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  1. esapekka

    esapekka New Member

    I shortly graduated from college and was happy to find a job. But the job I got is nothing like I thought. I work 10+ hours everyday and have to be reached on weekends. But get similar salary as cleaning lady. This is fairly typical, everything I do will backfire. I never got myself any expertise while in college, so actual jobs are out of my reach. I’m an idiot, there is no other way to describe myself. I constantly make stupid mistakes. Like last week when I took a wrong road and had to drive extra 300km. My days are filled with these mistakes. One of our lecturers at college on the week I graduated told me “with these skills you can maybe become a clerk, but never an engineer.”

    I don’t really feel like doing anything outside of work and my house is in quite horrible shape, I just don’t find anything pleasant anymore. And of course I have an alcoholic neighbor who keeps begging me for ride to store, money, beer etc.

    Problem is I could not become a clerk, and even in that job I would keep making similar mistakes.

    Neither am I a great social magnet, on the contrary I have never kissed a woman, and I am 24.
    But I couldn’t live in a relationship anyway, it would be way too awkward for me. And I have unpleasant personality. I’m short (height, and length ;)) and have an ugly face.

    I am not athletic, I was always the guy to be picked last. When I was conscripted I trained for three years, running 8-10km, lifting weights, and still was on the bottom percentile and had to be helped by my peers which of course made me feel really ashamed of myself.

    Suicide has been on my mind ever since elementary on occasions. It’s great to know there is a way out. Only reason I have not done so is my family, I don’t wish to cause them additional pain. I have wished for terminal illness but I have not been blessed with such an honorable way out.

    But recently It has started to bug me, why should I keep on this life just to please others? Do I really have to keep on living for the next 30+ years until my parents die, when my life is going to be spent single, on unproductive jobs with no joy for myself while people even like my alcoholic neighbor look down on me?

    I’m always going to be:

    - stupid
    - unattractive
    - cowardly
    - unathletic

    So why should I keep on going as my life is always going to be grim and grey?
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    People make mistakes,all the time, all of us. We make wrong decisions.Choose unsuitable partners. We allow ourselves to be open to criticism and abuse. That's human nature. I don't believe people are ugly, only attitudes are ugly. As for calling yourself stupid, einstein fluncked most of his exams in early life. But still nowadays we refer to clever people as einstein.

    I really do know what it feels like to be left at the back of the queue all your life. It's a horrible feeling. When you look back, you look back with regret,fear,rejection.

    Don't beat yourself up over a few bad decisions, or even worse end your life because of it.

    You need to get help, professional help, to help you cope, heal and to move on and you could go on to further education if you wish(I assume).

    We are here for you, I hope talking about what's going on for you had helped :) I wish you all the best :)
  3. scareddude

    scareddude Well-Known Member

    I read your post and I'm hoping for you. If you want a chat I'm here.
  4. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    everyone makes these mistakes.

    oh, and about your teacher who said you can't become an engineer. I just got this from the internet:

    'Thomas Edison’s teachers told him he was “too stupid to learn anything.” Edison also famously invented 1,000 light bulbs before creating one that worked.'
  5. mare2192

    mare2192 Member

    Everybody makes mistakes. The wrong turn yeah i know the feeling. Last night i got drunk got on the wrong bus. Got to the end of the city didn't know where i was, walked 25km found my way home(somehow).
    The attractive part that is kinda stupid. I mean for me it is always better to find a good person for a friend or relationship than a beautiful one, who is a bad person. And beauty is a thing of the eye. What you consider nice i maybe won't.
    Belive me relationships are overrated. Yes it is nice to have someone by your side but it can bring too much stress and pain.
    Give yourself a goal. Do your job so you can earn money to go around the world see the world other cultures. My advice is probably the worst if it were any good i wouldn't be here, but if you need someone to talk to just send me a message or however this site works :)
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