I shortly graduated from college and was happy to find a job. But the job I got is nothing like I thought. I work 10+ hours everyday and have to be reached on weekends. But get similar salary as cleaning lady. This is fairly typical, everything I do will backfire. I never got myself any expertise while in college, so actual jobs are out of my reach. I’m an idiot, there is no other way to describe myself. I constantly make stupid mistakes. Like last week when I took a wrong road and had to drive extra 300km. My days are filled with these mistakes. One of our lecturers at college on the week I graduated told me “with these skills you can maybe become a clerk, but never an engineer.” I don’t really feel like doing anything outside of work and my house is in quite horrible shape, I just don’t find anything pleasant anymore. And of course I have an alcoholic neighbor who keeps begging me for ride to store, money, beer etc. Problem is I could not become a clerk, and even in that job I would keep making similar mistakes. Neither am I a great social magnet, on the contrary I have never kissed a woman, and I am 24. But I couldn’t live in a relationship anyway, it would be way too awkward for me. And I have unpleasant personality. I’m short (height, and length ) and have an ugly face. I am not athletic, I was always the guy to be picked last. When I was conscripted I trained for three years, running 8-10km, lifting weights, and still was on the bottom percentile and had to be helped by my peers which of course made me feel really ashamed of myself. Suicide has been on my mind ever since elementary on occasions. It’s great to know there is a way out. Only reason I have not done so is my family, I don’t wish to cause them additional pain. I have wished for terminal illness but I have not been blessed with such an honorable way out. But recently It has started to bug me, why should I keep on this life just to please others? Do I really have to keep on living for the next 30+ years until my parents die, when my life is going to be spent single, on unproductive jobs with no joy for myself while people even like my alcoholic neighbor look down on me? I’m always going to be: - stupid - unattractive - cowardly - unathletic So why should I keep on going as my life is always going to be grim and grey?