this is a clean up off anouther topic i made earlier. i was very tierd and pissed off that, yet again i fail to kill myself. and making a rather big mess of it. hope u dont mind im doing it again. dont really know how to start so ill start with the reasons why i try killing myself... i have no friends. i mean none. dont socialize unless on high demand. avoid communication in real life at all costs. turned ugly as fuck when i was 12 (14 now) naturaly aggresive. treat everybody i dont know as if they are trying to kill me. treat people like shit and piss em off even when i dont intend to. once i turned 12. i ignored all school. all school work. altho i was doing VERY well (got above average in everything) cant do a days work for my life and if that wernt bad enough. the only 4things that enters my sedated brain is "video games. killing myself. death of myself or family. girls" thats it. and in the order of most perferd. i mean thats all i care about. not school not my future. nothing. i have no future basicly. i cant socialize. meaning no jobs that involves a good amount of communication. wont be able to get a wife / girlfriend. and cant get a job because i dont give a crpa about school and now way below average in everything apart from history (thank u world of warcraft) and cant do a days work. i mean what am i ment to do? i cant live at my mums forever. shud i just be a tramp and live off the pity of others? or just lie in bed till i die? i wont be able to get any friends. even if i do get a job. thats still enough to commit suicide on. altho i do get the piss taken out of me at school. alot. it dont bother me. but wherever u seem to go. whatever you seem to do. u got the world saying your a waste of food. water. oxygen. the test tube i was made in. sperm. eventualy it sinks in. ive tryed commiting suicide several times. ive tryed hanging myself with my school tie. the tie got lose and i fell to a rather smack on the tailbone. ive tryed headbuting a wall and hoping to impale my brain with my skull. then i was sent to a psycyatrist (omg worst spelling evar!!) what alot of good that was. it kept me calm and happy. until i fell asleep then it was worthless. then i tryed overdosing on sleeping and calm tablets (only tablets i knew the location of) i took the box. i just fell asleep and woke up 4hours later with puke all over me. then the closest i got. stabing myself in the head with 1 of them nasty cleaver things u find in the kitchen on them funny wooden things on the counter. went to stab but stoped a few inches from my head just thinking of what wud happen to my mum. she would probly kill herself as im the only family shes got. so i stoped. altho knowing the rest of the world would be better off. yet even then i treat my mum like shit so even then i think she would be better off to. i have tryed killing myself more times than that. but all faild patheticly. plastic bags and shoelase, punching myself to death (wouldnt work at all) strangling myself (also wouldnt work) so what hope do i have of ever doing well in life?