Why should i live past the age of 18?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by crash 9000, Dec 22, 2007.

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  1. crash 9000

    crash 9000 Member

    this is a clean up off anouther topic i made earlier. i was very tierd and pissed off that, yet again i fail to kill myself. and making a rather big mess of it. hope u dont mind im doing it again.

    dont really know how to start so ill start with the reasons why i try killing myself...

    i have no friends. i mean none.
    dont socialize unless on high demand.
    avoid communication in real life at all costs.
    turned ugly as fuck when i was 12 (14 now)
    naturaly aggresive.
    treat everybody i dont know as if they are trying to kill me.
    treat people like shit and piss em off even when i dont intend to.
    once i turned 12. i ignored all school. all school work. altho i was doing VERY well (got above average in everything)
    cant do a days work for my life

    and if that wernt bad enough. the only 4things that enters my sedated brain is "video games. killing myself. death of myself or family. girls" thats it. and in the order of most perferd. i mean thats all i care about. not school not my future. nothing.
    i have no future basicly. i cant socialize. meaning no jobs that involves a good amount of communication. wont be able to get a wife / girlfriend.
    and cant get a job because i dont give a crpa about school and now way below average in everything apart from history (thank u world of warcraft)
    and cant do a days work.
    i mean what am i ment to do? i cant live at my mums forever. shud i just be a tramp and live off the pity of others? or just lie in bed till i die? i wont be able to get any friends. even if i do get a job. thats still enough to commit suicide on. altho i do get the piss taken out of me at school. alot. it dont bother me. but wherever u seem to go. whatever you seem to do. u got the world saying your a waste of food. water. oxygen. the test tube i was made in. sperm. eventualy it sinks in.

    ive tryed commiting suicide several times. ive tryed hanging myself with my school tie. the tie got lose and i fell to a rather smack on the tailbone. ive tryed headbuting a wall and hoping to impale my brain with my skull. then i was sent to a psycyatrist (omg worst spelling evar!!) what alot of good that was. it kept me calm and happy. until i fell asleep then it was worthless.
    then i tryed overdosing on sleeping and calm tablets (only tablets i knew the location of) i took the box. i just fell asleep and woke up 4hours later with puke all over me.
    then the closest i got. stabing myself in the head with 1 of them nasty cleaver things u find in the kitchen on them funny wooden things on the counter. went to stab but stoped a few inches from my head just thinking of what wud happen to my mum. she would probly kill herself as im the only family shes got. so i stoped. altho knowing the rest of the world would be better off.
    yet even then i treat my mum like shit so even then i think she would be better off to.

    i have tryed killing myself more times than that. but all faild patheticly. plastic bags and shoelase, punching myself to death (wouldnt work at all)
    strangling myself (also wouldnt work)

    so what hope do i have of ever doing well in life?
  2. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    Hey man... that's a lot to go through.. at such a young age.
    I'm 22 and considered committing(completing) suicide on some occasions.(but won't)
    Instead of the cliche "oh, you've got hope, you're a special person"(although that's true) or giving you fancy quotes, I'm just going to be straight up and brief.

    First of all..
    Be easy on yourself. You're only 14. Don't worry about grades.. yet.
    Only grade 11 and 12 count.. really.
    And even if you don't do too well in grade 12, that's still OK.. you've got university and once you get in, your high school marks don't mean shit. It's a new beginning, pretty much. What if you don't get into university?(poor grades) You can go to college, get a degree quick, or get your degree and possibly transfer to university. You got time.

    You don't have to become a floor-layer. You can CHOOSE not to.

    You think you've hit a wall.. but you'ven't even started yet. Messed up grade 8,9 and 10? Who cares? Most post-secondary school admissions(maybe not Ivy league) focus on your grade 11 and 12 only.

    You don't know what you wanna do? that's perfectly fine. Most people at age 20 are still not quite sure(even if they know) what they want to do for the rest of their long-ass lives.

    Don't worry about the way you look.. you're only 14.(this is not said to belittle you, I'm only saying you've got time)

    You haven't even finished puberty. Your body, your face your soul, all that is you will go through a huge metamorphosis.

    I've seen many guys&gals who were not so good looking in their early teenage years but became total studs/bombshells when they become 20,21 or something..

    And.. are you tall? like six feet? I found out women look at guys' height a lot.. A LOT. People of (your)Swedish decent tend to be tall. You'll likely be tall when you're an adult. Then it's OK if you're ugly.(or so you believe yourself to be ugly)

    The way I'm putting this together sounds extremely immature and childish but I'm speaking from my own experience. Anyway you'll be decently tall and you'll be fine. Do not beat yourself over your looks.

    I mean.. fuck.. you're only 14! What have you got to lose..? Do whatever the hell you want.. pick up an electric guitar.. volunteer at care homes.. go work at Walmart.. join a chess club/debate club at your school..
    So much better things to do than being scared as hell about some keyboard warriors on cyberspace.

    However.. I am worried about your WoW addiction. I'm an addict in some way.(watching too many movies, guitar clips and BBC documentaries..)

    It's OK to play video games, but I assume you're using this as a TOOL to escape from reality to your own little world. I know what it's like and it is going to feel absolutely terrible. The little pleasure you get from WoW do not amount to the joy you get from doing all sorts of activity(sports,schoolwork,games,socializing) in "healthy doses."(not become an addict and controlled by them)

    Your gaming addiction has got to go. There's no other way around, no shortcuts, no bullshit. You've got to quit it. I quit playing video games 2 years ago. I don't know how.. but you have to quit.

    And.. I've been socially inept for 8 years..(started when I was your age) but I've been working my way up.
    I'm still painfully shy but I can carry on casual conversations, laugh with girls and stuff.. basically I've changed. You can do it.

    You might think I'm only one of those miserable retarded fuck.. but I don't care. I just laid out every reason why you should live past 18 and more.

    Imagine how many people would be crying over your casket. Just live.. at least for now. Live until you're 30(I'll too) and see if you still hate yourself. You do not even know yourself yet.

    Sorry about sounding all over the place and disorganized.. I mean.. I don't write my essays like this.. let alone my e-mails.

    I can organize all this writing and present in a professional manner.. but I don't have time.. I'm tired of my own life.. I've to eat lunch now. I've to watch movies and play guitar. No time for editing my pathetic paragraph..

    I don't know.. make your own decision. If I were you, I wouldn't die. I would die to be your age and in your shoes now.

    School ain't nothing but a bad simulation of the real society, real world. Wait till you get older, get out in the REAL world and THEN see if you like this thing called LIFE or..... not.
    Now is not the time.. just work on healing your suicide wounds and have a merry Christmas.
  3. MrA

    MrA Active Member

    Hey my friend... it's never too late! You are 14 years old first, yet nothing is lost, you still got the whole world open for you. You can hang in and try to learn just a little bit for school! No one expects perfect results from you.
    You can have good marks, you can make your mother happy. And whats most important, you will feel a lot better. I've been like that, too, 8th grade (germany), bad marks, and I was just like "whatever". Blah blah, leave me alone. Then I found my way back, my marks were... okay. And today I got a job and earn good money (18 years!).

    About your look you shouldn't worry too much and make yourslef down.. you will work out with the time, it's just the age. Even yet, I don't got a girlfriend aswell though it's really depressing for me, every day.
    Maybe in a few months, maybe in one year you can have one aswell. Who know, in your loved ones you will find a lot of power, courage and life energy. Don't hang up now, cause your time hasn't come yet!

    Go just step by step, try to make one friend, maybe in your neighbourhood. He will have friends, too, and they will have as well. Try to be positive.. "drop your pants!" we use to say in germany. I am sometimes too proud to offer my feelings as well..

    And just for your mother, you should never ever do this

    "went to stab but stoped a few inches from my head just thinking of what wud happen to my mum. she would probly kill herself as im the only family shes got."

    Man, I'm proud of you, you chose wisely. Think about your mum, she's your family, if you destroy your life, you'll destroy hers, too.

    So hang in there buddy.. one day, when you ARE 18, you will thank me.
  4. lostboy

    lostboy Well-Known Member

    Wow man that’s some hardcore stuff. Let me just say that, although you might find this laughable I envy your courage. I’m 22, and I’m just really far too passive, I’ve got all these fucked up feelings and thoughts that I just mask and don’t think about. Whereas you, you think about them and take some pretty gutsy, and in my view misguided decisions.
    I’m not gonna give you all this crap about how young you are, because at your age is pretty much where I threw in the towel and stopped caring, only kept going by watching copious amounts of television. Anyways it sounds to me like you’re a pretty smart kid, your just a little different. Grew up differently got treated differently, was given a hard time by parents family etc. Me too, but if you focus on that and constantly get pissed off about it, it just leaves you with nothing to show for it.
    And as for not having friends, well maybe that’s OK you know. All I wanted when I was your age were friends, but now that I’m older I realise that its alright to be alone some of the time, it really doesn’t matter. I think you’ve quite a lot of energy and courage for life, but its just misdirected.
    And I really agree with what sauyoon chung said about you quitting video games. I don’t know if you’ve heard of a game called unreal but I used to play that non stop round the clock, got up played it, had some food played it. Man it seems like fun when you’re playing it, and it is sometimes, but it’ll mess you right up. It made me HEAPS more anxious around other people and just made me function even less effectively as a human being, when I had to go shopping etc.
    It’s a hard cycle to beat, it didn’t work for me until I went cold turkey. Otherwise you’ll just be like ‘oh is that the time… just 10 more minutes’… 8 hours later ‘fuck why did I do that… man I’m a piece of shit’ That’s how it was for me for about 7 months. But you feel so much better once you’ve done it, it really is very similar to a drug addiction, only more legal.
    So I strongly urge you to put your computer away for a while, or if you need it for school, wipe all the games off and don’t use it for ANYTHING else apart from work etc.
    I got back into reading and playing guitar after I quit, which may seem like the same sort of time wasting as playing games, but it isn’t, after you’ve finished reading / playing guitar you don’t feel dirty, or feel endless static random thoughts bouncing around in your brain.
    Wow I’ve written way to much :p so I’m gonna finish up with some things I think you should do.
    1. Quit computer games cold turkey.
    2. Go to a doctor and tell him/her how you’re feeling and get some advice.
    3. Start an exercise routine, (helped me a lot) particularly when your having an episode. Why not instead of trying to stab yourself in the head… Go for a jog :p – but seriously that’s what I do.
    4. Just chill out, read a book play an instrument, write some stuff down, do some drawing just do something your into.
    5. Maybe read some self help books if you feel like crap.

    Anyways dude I’m sure your sick of reading this long winded post, if you ever get bored or want to chat you can always message me, hang in there bud.
  5. crash 9000

    crash 9000 Member

    ive been playing video games the last 11years i doubt ill stop any time soon
  6. crash 9000

    crash 9000 Member

    video games has been a replacment for my brother. my sister. and my dad. i cant do any exersise. i do a few minites then im nackerd.
    i dont use video games as something to escape from reaility not at all. just it keeps me company. makes time pass.
    and the only other job i would want to do is with something with computers. luckily for me like 50% of the youth are planing that. hurrah. sarcasm turnd on.

    and i doubt i will get average in above in anything at school. as for the past 2years i just lost the will to give a flying fuck about it

    and ive got a guitar (my granddad taught me) but when he died i couldnt play it. and read? lol, i cant read for shit. if its something short thats ok. but if its long. hell no. every 600words i read. i forget the last 600words. so the most story ive ever kept track off in a book was whats happening at that time. no past. i dunno maybe its because i read the words. not the story

    and i cant just get 1 friend and then get his friends. cuz getting that 1 friend is something i need to... take over my impulse self. meaning permanantly be on the ball as to ensure im nice. i am nice. just after a few weeks ill slowly change
  7. lostboy

    lostboy Well-Known Member

    When I first played guitar I was shit, couldn’t play anything, just fumbled around making awkward noises. But that’s not the point, playing just has an effect on you it soothes you. Now whenever I’m in a shit situation, where I’m misplaced and making a general mess of things, I just think I always have my guitar to turn to, instead of thinking wow I’m making a mess of things because I play so much computer games, I’m a miserable turd.
    600 words is more than I can remember man :p, that’s what books are for you follow the story onwards as it flows, you don’t have to memorize every detail like you do school books. If you change your mind Gerald Durrell’s My Family and Other Animals. Is a great book. Plus any of the Harry Potters, it sounds lame but they rock :p. And as for jobs with computers… I really think that the number of jobs using computers is growing rather than shrinking, so I wouldn’t worry about that.
    And exercise really helped for me, not necessarily running, I just started doing weights in my room and push ups n stuff, it makes you feel a lot stronger and a little less crappy about yourself. But 15 minutes that’s alright man as a base especially, the trick with running to start of half jogging / walking then gradually stop walking.
    Maybe if you’re really feeling like your stuck in a rut, you should go live with your dad in Sweden for a while, just to shake things up, get a new outlook. Anyway all the best buddy if you want to chat or have any queries just post or pm me.
  8. crash 9000

    crash 9000 Member

    heh i can read books. that dont blabber on. just books that dont go into fine detail just get straight to the point. and i meant the jobs in computers is rising so much. theres more people trying to get a job in computers than there is jobs in computers
  9. MrA

    MrA Active Member

    The whole world plays video games! I play video games! Even my father from time to time
    I started even younger with my Sega Mega Drive :laugh:
  10. Moteh

    Moteh Member

    Crash, I had a situation identical to yours. From my experience, all I can tell you is meet friends who can take a challenge(verbaly) and go out a bit more. You can't be slow about it either. I took my time doing so and regret it.

    You don't have to quit WoW, but play it a little less. I rapped myself into that game and felt so miserable after I had any sort of epic gear and typed in /played.

    Do these and lay off of the head injuries and you should be perfectly fine.....after some time lapses
  11. Moteh

    Moteh Member

    If you ever get bored, make a horde character on the venture co. and send a mesage to Twistingmana.

    I also have a simiular goal. What keeps me going is that just because there are so many people going for the job, doesnt mean you wont be able to get the same job. there are a LOT of people needed in big corperations that have their income based on computer technology. If you havent noticed, even Blizzard is posting about the jobs they need done. So dont worry, getting a job in this feild will be a breeze
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