I know you guys don't really know me and these questions have been posted a million times but i really dont know what to do anymore.
I am 16, and i look like im 14. First off this makes me angry and i have been made fun of it a few times by upper classman (im in highschool right now) and that bothers me. This really isnt a huge affect on my outlook on life, plus i can see changes, more voice cracks etc. But anyways lets get back to the topic at hand.
First(Girls):I honestly look normal, i think i look quite good. One think that pesters me is that i used to be in the "cool" group. I had an amazing girlfriend a ton of friends and i loved my life. Ever since people started hitting puberty i stopped flirting with girls, and them with me. I really want a girlfriend and i havnt had one in a few years and i just hate having no relationship.
Second(School): I used to be extreemly smart, all a student, all my teachers loved me, and i really wanted to succeed in school and life! Now i wake up every morning and literally cringe at the thought of having to go to that terrible school. I am failing almost all of my classes, and i have no want to succeed in my life and there is nothing i want to do in ym future.
Third(Body): As i said, i am VERY pre mature and that bothers me. Also i am 5'7 maybe even 5'8 and im barley 100 pounds. It bothers me how freakeshly skinny i am. I have tried to gain weight but i cant, and all i do is sit around and play video games all day!
Fourth(Lifestyle): I used to have a great and active lifestyle. Get home from a great day at school, skateboard, hang with great friends, hang with girlfriend, ride dirtbikes, play some video games on the side, and just enjoy life. Now i get home from a depressing day at school, go to my room, turn off the lights and play video games from like 4:30 to 7. Then i eat dinner with my family (mom&dad). Go back and play video games untill like 10. Then i normally get off and go to bed around 11, and i lie there for like 4 hours. All i really do i smoke weed and play video games all day
Fifth(Wants):Clearly i want a lot of things, and my dad always talks about the great times he had and i just wish i could live his life. All i really want is to have friends, be able to ride my dirt bike and hang out with friends. But i just sit at home and play video games all day! I have tried so hard to hang out with friends. I just dont even enjoy it. When i do i just feel bored and like a third wheel, and wish i was at my home. I have recently gotten into programming c++ and i fail terribly at that. That is really dissapointing because i had a hope in my future (Coding and programming)
Sixth(Family): my parents fought with my sister for like the last 3 years of her living with us because she started to use acid and ecstacy heavily and they hated it. They loved her and myself to death but i juts feel so much like they spend all there time on her! Just the thought of this makes me want to cry and i hate how no matter how much she says she hates them they just try even hard to please her and i feel like i am just in the background. Something to deal with later. I think this might be because i am so quiet and afraid to express my feelings because i cry so easily and it emberasses me.
Conclusion: I know i really didnt express how terrible my life is, and honestly it could be amazing, but depression runs in my family and i think that affects alot of me. I have been on meds, and they really helped for a while, but i stopped taking them and i realyl dont want to start again. I really cant explain how much i despise going to school. I think seeing all my friends together makes me feel teriible that im not with them anymore, as they are all on sports team etc.. Obviously, by reading my posts all i really could possibly want is my life back. Please dont suggest me going and trying to hang out with my old friends or anything, it just isnt me. I didnt really express how much i use marijuana in this post, but when i cant afford weed my life also just seems like 5x more boring because it just enhances everything. Please dont ask me to quit smoking weed because i also wont do that. I dont want to seem like i am not trying to put forth an effort. But i really just dont WANT to change my life. I think i am to depressed to, no matter how much i want it to change. My parents love me more than i could possibly imagine, but i think it is just how terrible my outlook on furute is, it just makes me hate my life. I havnt actually seriously thought about scuicide, but it is in my mind more and more every day. I am sure i will go to sleep, and think of 100 more things to post, but i am honestly kind of emotional from typing this stuff so i will leave it at this. If you read all of my post i really appretiate it... Please post back :/
:mortd:
I am 16, and i look like im 14. First off this makes me angry and i have been made fun of it a few times by upper classman (im in highschool right now) and that bothers me. This really isnt a huge affect on my outlook on life, plus i can see changes, more voice cracks etc. But anyways lets get back to the topic at hand.
First(Girls):I honestly look normal, i think i look quite good. One think that pesters me is that i used to be in the "cool" group. I had an amazing girlfriend a ton of friends and i loved my life. Ever since people started hitting puberty i stopped flirting with girls, and them with me. I really want a girlfriend and i havnt had one in a few years and i just hate having no relationship.
Second(School): I used to be extreemly smart, all a student, all my teachers loved me, and i really wanted to succeed in school and life! Now i wake up every morning and literally cringe at the thought of having to go to that terrible school. I am failing almost all of my classes, and i have no want to succeed in my life and there is nothing i want to do in ym future.
Third(Body): As i said, i am VERY pre mature and that bothers me. Also i am 5'7 maybe even 5'8 and im barley 100 pounds. It bothers me how freakeshly skinny i am. I have tried to gain weight but i cant, and all i do is sit around and play video games all day!
Fourth(Lifestyle): I used to have a great and active lifestyle. Get home from a great day at school, skateboard, hang with great friends, hang with girlfriend, ride dirtbikes, play some video games on the side, and just enjoy life. Now i get home from a depressing day at school, go to my room, turn off the lights and play video games from like 4:30 to 7. Then i eat dinner with my family (mom&dad). Go back and play video games untill like 10. Then i normally get off and go to bed around 11, and i lie there for like 4 hours. All i really do i smoke weed and play video games all day
Fifth(Wants):Clearly i want a lot of things, and my dad always talks about the great times he had and i just wish i could live his life. All i really want is to have friends, be able to ride my dirt bike and hang out with friends. But i just sit at home and play video games all day! I have tried so hard to hang out with friends. I just dont even enjoy it. When i do i just feel bored and like a third wheel, and wish i was at my home. I have recently gotten into programming c++ and i fail terribly at that. That is really dissapointing because i had a hope in my future (Coding and programming)
Sixth(Family): my parents fought with my sister for like the last 3 years of her living with us because she started to use acid and ecstacy heavily and they hated it. They loved her and myself to death but i juts feel so much like they spend all there time on her! Just the thought of this makes me want to cry and i hate how no matter how much she says she hates them they just try even hard to please her and i feel like i am just in the background. Something to deal with later. I think this might be because i am so quiet and afraid to express my feelings because i cry so easily and it emberasses me.
Conclusion: I know i really didnt express how terrible my life is, and honestly it could be amazing, but depression runs in my family and i think that affects alot of me. I have been on meds, and they really helped for a while, but i stopped taking them and i realyl dont want to start again. I really cant explain how much i despise going to school. I think seeing all my friends together makes me feel teriible that im not with them anymore, as they are all on sports team etc.. Obviously, by reading my posts all i really could possibly want is my life back. Please dont suggest me going and trying to hang out with my old friends or anything, it just isnt me. I didnt really express how much i use marijuana in this post, but when i cant afford weed my life also just seems like 5x more boring because it just enhances everything. Please dont ask me to quit smoking weed because i also wont do that. I dont want to seem like i am not trying to put forth an effort. But i really just dont WANT to change my life. I think i am to depressed to, no matter how much i want it to change. My parents love me more than i could possibly imagine, but i think it is just how terrible my outlook on furute is, it just makes me hate my life. I havnt actually seriously thought about scuicide, but it is in my mind more and more every day. I am sure i will go to sleep, and think of 100 more things to post, but i am honestly kind of emotional from typing this stuff so i will leave it at this. If you read all of my post i really appretiate it... Please post back :/
:mortd: