Why should I want to live?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by BlueBlue, May 1, 2015.

  1. BlueBlue

    BlueBlue Well-Known Member


    I am in the UK and live with my mum who suffers from Schizophrenia. She is on medication and does okay but is a vulnerable woman. It is just me and her no other family. I was living away from home in a houseshare and working full time. Then I got very ill and couldn't work. I am suffering with chronic pain now. I was not helped by my employer that I had worked for for 5 years. In fact they purposely met me with doubt and disregard as to what was happening. They made it quite clear to me that they would be making any work adjustments as difficult as possible and that I would have to fight to the death if I was going to get them. So I left.. I was at a point of suicide then just because of the physical chronic pain. I honestly believe I would have killed myself by now if I hadn't have left.

    So I moved back with my mum and she manages to work part time but has her own health problems as explained and I am just too stressed. There are a lot of cuts to services here in the UK. I lost a youth service I was part of the one place I fit in and had friends - whole service slashed, youth workers out of a job.

    I have been through the doctors and that wasn't much help endless anti depressants and another fight just to get on a fucking waiting list to see someone for counselling. It got so difficult that I just gave up (I applied in the area I was living in the houseshare. By the time I was offered an appointment I had moved 2 hours away, had become more isolated and finding it difficult to leave the flat so what use is that!

    So we survive on a part time minimum wage, housing benefit and a small amount of dwindling savings.

    There are more cuts coming and I just can;t cope. We struggle already leave us alone. I think we will probably both be assessed as fit to work as I'm looking at the criteria for what counts as a disability and even the disabled on't count.

    I just can't see the point it's not like I was even happy when I had a job. I was still miserable - they treated me like utter rubbish and it was never ever good enough.

    Why bother to live? Like I think this is actually a rational thought. I don't say it to people much because they don't seem to get it but I actually think this is an intelligent opinion. Life is a struggle. If you have health problems that doctors can't fix there is no way out. If the government decides they don't want to support you any more because you are a benefit scrounger and they won't accept anything less than a 35 hours week work as counting as trying. Like what is the fucking point all that struggle just to survive. Just live a life you weren't happy with anyway. why would I do that? Why would I beg? I don't want to be on the street. Why would I fight - you've already kicked me down at every available opportunity. What does work bring you anyway? It doesn't get you out of poverty here - not anymore. Work as hard as you like you will still never get anywhere, still be struggling. All the while richer people get along fine. They have better support systems and assets to get them by.

    Why keep trying? Why keep pushing? It's obvious most people don't understand anyway.

    When I look at the news I see more pain. A world pain. There is so much suffering. So much inequality. It doesn't matter if you are a good person. It doesn't matter if you try. There are some situations that are impossible to get out of.

    Why is it wrong to kind of accept that? To kind of know and want to come to terms with the fact there is no way out.

    Suicide looks like my best option. Why is that wrong?
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear that you are suffering but life is important. Looking at the UK, cannot you ring the Samaritans for moral support when you are feeling down. You need to strong whilst you help and assist you mother. Is there any relations or friends you can confide in. You have to remain strong which I understand is a daily struggle. Yes, I know you are living on the breadline but that's due to times of austerity. Please do not act on any feelings but keep yourself busy by doing a voluntary work. Remain strong my friend whilst you go through this tough period of life.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I just want to let you know I read your post and feel so sorry for what you're going through. That is a major battle but don't let suicide be any option. Ring the samaritans, keep talking to us here and most of all keep yourself out of harms way.
  4. BlueBlue

    BlueBlue Well-Known Member

    I don't think it's acceptable the way they are ripping away benefits and I don't think it's acceptable to say oh well that is austerity. We are doing all we can to survive. There are many well documented stories of people here being wrongly assessed for work - most notably a woman in a coma told she was fit to find work (no joke). We know there is money, we can see there is money. The rich have got so far removed from reality they don't notice and/or don't care.

    I am not saying I am going to commit suicide now but I am saying I am on the brink. I cannot cope with all these things. Life just keeps getting harder and harder and there really is no escape.

    Thank you for replies.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Wow. A woman in a coma fit for work, just when you think you've heard it all!! That is a joke.
    What are the benefits that you need kept?
    As a good pal from the UK said to me the other day he doesn't have a lot but doesn't need a lot and he's being hit by the cuts too I believe.

    Keep talking to us here, I care, I care what happens to you.