Hello anyone who decides to read this. i just want to begin by saying thank you for reading this, and i genuinely want to hear your replies.I'm not going to go into great detail about all of my life problems, but i'm going to try my best to give u a brief over view of my life. I'm not sure if I truly want to die (though i think of it daily) so i suppose i'm typing this to just hear the reasons why i shouldn't. So, i guess i'll start with why i'm here and the various aspects of my life that have drove me to this point.. I'm 18, if you met me in person youd assume i'm very shy because i dont talk a lot, i'm gay (but in the closet), and the youngest of 10 other siblings. i'm just starting college at a fairly competitive school, which i dont feel good enough to be at. The only reason I chose this school was because my family could not afford any other college and I was capable of getting a scholarship that could pay for nearly everything. I enjoy the college, but i'm so alone here. I have 10 friends (I use that word very loosely) total after 2.5 months of college. 2 that came from the same highschool as me but one of them lives 45 mins away (it's a long walk, especially in the rain) and the other lives with the few other people i call "friend" here. The reason i'm hesitant to call these people my friends is because from my past ive learned that no one is worth trusting and that in the end everyone will turn their backs on you. Before someone tries to contradict me on that point, i'd like to point out that those "friends" have already begun using me just as everyone else has in my life. The pathetic thing is, regardless of the fact that i know they just use me, I will not leave them. I suppose my logic to that is, it may suck now, but if i lose them than who else will i have?... I suppose none of this would bother me nearly as much, except for the fact that i'm slowly (but surly) loosing my boyfriend. He is the most amazing person ive ever had the pleasure of meeting, and he understands me. He was able to always make me smile and forget about all the shit that would happen to me, even through some of my darkest hours. We would give up everything in the world to have been able to stay together, but now his parents are moving him to Arizona... (this is sad because I'm in IL).. The only real reason i even choose to continue living is because of my parents. Though for years now (and i mean every day of every year) i have considered the thought of suicide, but knew i would not do it so long as my parents r still alive. i dont want them to feel any amount of sadness over my death and i don't want to put them through it. but i'm not sure how much more i can take. it's getting harder to push myself up after being beaten down day after day. so i ask you, reader, why should i choose living over finally getting to rest.