Why shouldn't I kill myself?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by smiles, Oct 19, 2012.

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  1. smiles

    smiles Member

    Hello anyone who decides to read this. i just want to begin by saying thank you for reading this, and i genuinely want to hear your replies.I'm not going to go into great detail about all of my life problems, but i'm going to try my best to give u a brief over view of my life. I'm not sure if I truly want to die (though i think of it daily) so i suppose i'm typing this to just hear the reasons why i shouldn't.
    So, i guess i'll start with why i'm here and the various aspects of my life that have drove me to this point.. I'm 18, if you met me in person youd assume i'm very shy because i dont talk a lot, i'm gay (but in the closet), and the youngest of 10 other siblings. i'm just starting college at a fairly competitive school, which i dont feel good enough to be at. The only reason I chose this school was because my family could not afford any other college and I was capable of getting a scholarship that could pay for nearly everything. I enjoy the college, but i'm so alone here. I have 10 friends (I use that word very loosely) total after 2.5 months of college. 2 that came from the same highschool as me but one of them lives 45 mins away (it's a long walk, especially in the rain) and the other lives with the few other people i call "friend" here. The reason i'm hesitant to call these people my friends is because from my past ive learned that no one is worth trusting and that in the end everyone will turn their backs on you. Before someone tries to contradict me on that point, i'd like to point out that those "friends" have already begun using me just as everyone else has in my life. The pathetic thing is, regardless of the fact that i know they just use me, I will not leave them. I suppose my logic to that is, it may suck now, but if i lose them than who else will i have?... I suppose none of this would bother me nearly as much, except for the fact that i'm slowly (but surly) loosing my boyfriend. He is the most amazing person ive ever had the pleasure of meeting, and he understands me. He was able to always make me smile and forget about all the shit that would happen to me, even through some of my darkest hours. We would give up everything in the world to have been able to stay together, but now his parents are moving him to Arizona... (this is sad because I'm in IL).. The only real reason i even choose to continue living is because of my parents. Though for years now (and i mean every day of every year) i have considered the thought of suicide, but knew i would not do it so long as my parents r still alive. i dont want them to feel any amount of sadness over my death and i don't want to put them through it. but i'm not sure how much more i can take. it's getting harder to push myself up after being beaten down day after day. so i ask you, reader, why should i choose living over finally getting to rest.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Because hun YOU do not know what that future will bring you You may find someone else so remarkable to share you life with Your friends hell you move on and find ones that dn't use you hun Most community colleges have groups for people that are gay and want to reach out to other gay individuals or perhaps getting some counseling at your college to see what community resources there are to help you with your depression you are young now who to say that when school is over you decide to move to Arizona and meet up again with your friend

    Future is unpredictable hun and you need to stick around and see what it brings you hugs
     
  3. -Simon-

    -Simon- Active Member

    I completely agree, at 18 you've hardly lived yet. You've potentially got another 60+ years to live and soooooo much can happen and change in that time. You haven't really said why you feel the way you do. In what way do your friends use you?

    I know it's only words on a screen but *hugs*
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 19, 2012
  4. smiles

    smiles Member

    simon: i didn't explain why i feel this way because there's simply so much there that i just don't know where to start.... if u have specific questions i can try to answer them for you though. and as for the ways my friends use me it is a little complex.. in high school everyone used me from using me for my house, my car, the people i knew or could contact, to cheat off me. just various ways that i can be more detailed with but at the moment will just sumize to that. to explain how people use me now i'll have to back track a little into my life. since the fourth grade i had thoughts of suicide. i was always good at keeping them inside and just burying them away and pretending i was okay with life. the older i got though the more severe the problems became and the less i was able to cope with them. to cope with the pain i began to self medicate with weed. now that i'm in college i have a cousin that is older and at the same college who belongs to an exclussive frat that deals drugs with-in their frat. Since i have my cousin i'm capable of geting stuff from them. Now the question is how they use me. well for the first 3 weeks of college the people that i now call "friends" ignored my existance any time i was around them until one day they were talking about getting weed and i spoke up saying i could help. since then, the only time they speak to me is when they need it (which they usually make me buy) or when they want to smoke it (and trust me i know they take most of it for themselves). I'm aware that the way i decided to cope with my feelings wasn't the best, but when nothing else in the world was capable of making life bearable i turned to the thing that at least made me think life was... alright... you may be happy to hear that i am trying to give that up and to be able to cope with life in a healthier way.

    total eclipse: thank you for the thoughts of care. and i know there are groups to help people like me (both depression and gay), but i've become so self concious of other people judging me from my past that i don't want to put myself out there any more. i feel that if i do put myself out there, than people will see me for what i am and trust me they won't like what they see...
     
  5. smiles

    smiles Member

    total eclipse: i'd also like to say i'm sorry your mood is crappy :/ whats wrong?
     
  6. -Simon-

    -Simon- Active Member

    I think you know it already but I'll say it anyway. You need to dump these so called friends so that you're not being used. From what you've said I don't know why you call them friends.
     
  7. smiles

    smiles Member

    on my behalf i said i use the word "friend" loosly... and i know i need to eliminate them from my life, but what else do i have... no one.. i'm sure i'm already going to lose them regardless when they find out that i'm quitting, but when that happens, i not only lose a coping mechanism but the few people i still have in my life....
     
  8. ekki2

    ekki2 Member

    The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.





    I have never actually said something so profound in my life - but Bob Marley did!


    Oh and you should choose living because thats the only way you'll find out whats going to happen next. The other option leaves you with nothing; forever. Think about it, really taste the word. Forever!
     
  9. missstupid

    missstupid Member

    hy ekki2 I looked for your post after your response to mine and bob marley was right I have a handful off friends a lot of associates but two what id call friends and they are relationships where if there was an issue we would discuss it apologize if needed and move on it really makes the relationship stronger. not only are you young but I cant imagine the pain of being gay but not being open about one thing Ive learnt is that I have to be honest and be myself I never did that throughout my life as I never felt that just being myself was enough and felt worthless I can still feel like that today and taking a risk and trusting people comes with time and experience some one once said to me "those that mind dont matter and those that matter dont mind" it sounds a bit strange but I understand what its saying thank you for your honesty x
     
  10. -Simon-

    -Simon- Active Member

    There's over 7 billion people on this earth, losing a few "friends" doesn't have to affect you in the way you're letting it. If you want it then you can make new friends, the internet gives you lots of possibilities to help with that. I know you're probably thinking it's easy for me to sit here and say that and it's true but I know what it's like to be on the verge of giving up when almost every thought is one of despair. You can move past where you are now but you have to let yourself.
     
  11. Count Floyd

    Count Floyd Well-Known Member

    You're young. Keep living. There's a word you should think about: potential. There's so much potential for good stuff to happen to you. You have a lot of life to live ahead. Maybe it will even get tougher before it gets better, but remember there's potential for you. You've barely started. I hope everything works out for you.
     
  12. smiles

    smiles Member

    thank u, u guys, for the words of kindness.

    i know that theres more to life than what i've lived and that things (hopefully) will get better. i'm trying to keep my head up, and to keep pushing through all of this. I just don't know how to start changing my life for the better i suppose... it's weird to say, but i just find myself feeling like i can't change it... these "friends" i found in college are exactly like the ones i've dealt with all my life. so i find it hard to believe that things could turn out differently.. maybe it's something to do with me though. and as for the gay thing i've been silent about it for so long, i just don't know... i just feel like i don't have a voice. i just silently watch as the world moves around me. and as everyone else is happy and moving forward with their lives, i'm just in a stasis. I don't know how to shake my past to be able to see a more hopeful future... I want to say that i am doing better, but i'm not sure how i am anymore... i guess just lost...
     
  13. -Simon-

    -Simon- Active Member

    I'd say you're already on the path. You're posting here! You've said you're trying to give up the weed and despite being in the closet you've told us. Now if only you can get the courage to break away from your "friends".... :D
     
  14. smiles

    smiles Member

    i suppose ur right simon. small steps on very long road. and as for the "friends"... i'm trying... i guess thats the best i have right now. it's hard, but i'm trying to connect to other people and find those who do care.. it hasn't happened yet but i'm not giving up yet either. once again thank u.
     
  15. -Simon-

    -Simon- Active Member

    I reckon anyone posting in this thread cares. Aside from my girlfriend (not sure she counts as she does my head in at times lol) I have no friends at all. I'm not even sure why, I guess I feel safer because if I haven't got friends they can't hurt me. The only downside is that this kind of life is a bit lonely.

    I think what I'm trying to say is that I know what its like to have next to no one in your life and to feel lost.
     
  16. foundit

    foundit Member

    Hello
    I tried to send you a private message - but after sending it twice, I cant see it in my send items, so no idea if you received it. Some of what you say in this post reminds me of a bad time in my life - which thankfully I am past now. I wanted to drop you a line just to say hello and I think I understand how you are feeling right now, and my own experiences - but not ready to post the gory details of my own story on a thread yet, hence why I didnt just reply here. Hopefully you got my msg, if not and youd like to chat maybe drop me a line in case there is some sort of forum security thing preventing me from msging you as I am a new member and havnt tried to pm anyone before.

    If I don't hear back from you - I hope that is because things are getting better for you :)
     
  17. smiles

    smiles Member

    hi foundit.
    i did send you a message back ( i think it went through). if it didn't, go through than i'm sorry. i don't want to spam you with them to make sure u got it so i'll just want and see if u reply.

    I am doing a little better guys, thanks to the help and support of the many people one here. I'm just going to try and keep my head above the water and keep pushing on now. thank u everyone who posted on here and i appreciate all the help.
     
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