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Why shouldn't I kill myself?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Hae-Gi, Jul 13, 2007.

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  1. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    I am feeling so depressed and suicidal, right now. It was really bad yesterday, but today it feels unbearable.

    Nothing will ever get better for me. If you search for my old posts, you'll see why. There's no way I ever can find that one and only girl. I have no one to talk to, and I can't have anyone on the Internet to talk to, either, since I'm posting on a mobile phone, due to the failure to get my new computer working, and I have no instant messenger on my mobile, either; the one I can get costs too much for my cheapness to tolerate, and even worse; you have to give your name to buy it, which makes me paranoid. Perhaps you can give a false name, but perhaps not. It's too expensive, anyway; you get the same for free, on computers.

    Anyway, it doesn't matter if I had anyone to talk to... that wouldn't change my absolute need for true love. Except if I'd end up talking to a girl that could end up being her... but that's kind of unlikely.

    I am so depressed... so depressed... so terribly depressed. I am screaming inside. I can't take this loneliness, much longer! Worst is, she can't be Swedish! There's not even any use of thinking she could be from the same country. I don't like the Swedish language... it makes me feel uncomfortable.

    I am a very unlikable person... no one ever likes me, and I don't blame them. I love being hated... yet I just want to be loved... but I know that's impossible. The vast majority would hate me if they knew me, and I don't blame them. I welcome their hatred for me. Their hatred makes me more visible to those who wouldn't hate me, anyway... like my true love. But I won't find her, anyway... :sad: if only I'd be dead... maybe I'd be luckier in my new life.
  2. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Hae-gi,your feelings of despair and negativity and self doubt are all related to you obviously feeling extremely depressed and I can sense that immediately.First of all I don't hate you and honestly don't believe and think many people do,I know it's so hard especially when you're feeling so low to think positive and feel like going on because everything seems like and is a real hard struggle.

    I know where you're coming from,all I can say is for you to please not do anything and take your time slowly I know the pain you're in if you like to talk I'm here for you.Please if you feel like everything is getting to much can you call the emergency department?
  3. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    I'm not so close to suicide that I will die anytime soon... it feels more like it is time to start planning it. I wonder if it's possible to find nazi suicide capsules in some previously occupated country, or Germany? I heard cyankalium is an extremely horrible way to die, though; you will suffocate to death, really quickly.

    Another reason I should die is my age; I'm already 26 and I'm only getting older... the signs of age just get more visible. I had such a horrible nightmare, when I went to sleep, yesterday night, about having lost my appearance, considerably. My appearance is the only thing I have left... and even if I had my true love, how could I live past around 35? I can't ever get old! I have such horrible anguish about aging. I hope for the issue of age being solved, almost all the time.
  4. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    Emergency departments can't do anything for me, either. If I'd report me, the psychiatrists would find out, and then they'd start terrorising me, again. I can never tell any of those bastards! All they want is for you to conform to the norm, at all costs. The new social minister said a couple days ago that it should be easier to incarcerate mentally ill, as well. They can never find out!
  5. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    have you tried going to the online dating sites?

    like for someone in your country.. they can match you with the perfect person.. they can match you with those who can like what you like , eat what you like to eat , do things you like to do...

    they are really amazing..

    i got a 98 % match with someone once and dated a while but when he went on a business vacation he was killed by a drunk driver , but we were a perfect match.. i can send you the link that matched us up if you want it , just pm me and ill give it to you..
  6. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    Well, the thing is I feel like I often screw up a lot when talking to people and I have to say all my life, I have been hated and always been treated like I am invisible. People in school use to avoid me because they think I am a psycho but none of them knows all of the traumatic experiences I have been through or what I was going through that time. Talking about love, I have been craving for true love all my life and I guess my cravings often end in vain. I realize after years and years of going through this hell, I became even weirder and I feel like I can't find my place in society anymore. This is just one of the many reasons I have been thinking of suicide coz I think there is nothing else I can do anymore.

    I am here in SF to give myself another chance. I always thought that love will save my life and give me a reason to live again. I sometime doubt if I can ever make it to 30. Now that I am 23, I am not sure how long can I last living my life this way. I have been depressed since I was a little kid and today I am fighting it still and taking it one at a time, day by day. And I try to think of everyday as a new beginning of a new life and so I just have to endure it one by one and let the motions pass. Its never easy I have to admit and the fact that you have gone through it for so long tells me you sure have a great willpower here and I admire that honestly. I hope you can find your true love, I myself am struggling to. I realize it could save me and at least half of my troubles will be gone if I find my love.

    Don't give up my friend, in life, we have to live for the fight if thats all that we got!
  7. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    I really don't think anyone could match my weirdness. I am extremely perverted, as others call it, and there are so many other reasons... but I guess you can send it, but I don't know if it's even any use I'd try, really. I am doomed to loneliness. The worst is, the more I talk about it, the less my chances will be... I will seem weak, but the only reason I seem weak is because I don't have that girlfriend. If I had her, I'd do anything for her. She'd give me all the strength I could ever wish for.

    I'm really sorry hearing that, by the way... that sounds so typical. It would probably happen me, too... if it did, though, I would've had her, at least. Then I could kill myself, knowing I could join her in death.
  8. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Hae-Gi,I'm 32 and have been going through this same shit for year's am I tired of it oh yes bloody hell I am.Why do I go on?I don't really know for the real truth,I have Bi Polar,Ocd and Bio Dysmorphic disorder an illness where a person is severely obsessed with a body part of theirs and I've had three nose jobs and still hate the look of myself.I constantly think to myself I'm such a nobody yes I have no skills or qualifications,and I get told that I'm not unintelligent but I'm convinced I am.

    I know life is a real shit most of the time and if you asked me I'd say nearly alway's,each day is a living hell I know each moment is a battle in itself but all we can do is the best we can.
  9. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    i sent you a pm with those links...
  10. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    I came to SF for the same reason... one more chance. Actually, however, I've been here before, under a different name I didn't like, so I got a new account... I was ranting about the same problems, back then, feeling just as shitty. Maybe four years later, it's still the same! I actually intended to kill myself before my 26th birthday, but of course, I'm still alive. But when age has deteriorated my appearance, I must die. I can't look old... and feel old.

    I appreciate your kind concern, but I don't think I can keep going like this, all too much longer... certainly not four years! I can't believe I've wasted so much time, too; I've been without a computer, and as such, without any hope of finding my true love, for three years! Three years from my appearance, erased forever! I can't believe time's passed so quickly. Soon it's too late.
  11. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    My last post was directed to expressive_child, by the way.

    I'm sorry to hear about your body dysmorphic disorder problems... I've considered plastic surgery, a lot, as well; especially for my nose. I think less about it today, however. I don't ever think I'm stupid, though... I know I'm so far from it you can be. I like trying to be modest, but sometimes, I just can't. I don't think you seem stupid at all, by the way.
  12. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    I don't hate you, but I DO think you need to adjust your perspective. Aging sucks, but it shouldn't be all that bad. With age comes knowledge and wisdom. Look at the Eastern cultures (from whence comes the anime you love so much). Older people are revered as sages. Your spirit can remain young as your body ages. You can develop so much knowledge and understanding of the world and yourself! While the body grows old, the mind and spirit grow wise and mature. You will find the person you are looking for. I don't agree with your beliefs about pregnancy and the proliferation of life, but I believe that you can find someone who does.

    Also, are you taking any medication or treatment for your depression? It could help as well.

    I want the best for you :)
  13. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    Thanks for the links, White Dove, I'll try to consider it, at least... but I'm really pessimistic. It really feels as if that if I ever find her, it will be through some sort of odd miracle... maybe when I travel to Japan or South Korea... if I ever do. It would be expensive. I could learn her language, if I had to! I'd do anything for her.
  14. expressive_child

    expressive_child Well-Known Member

    ** Please take time to read this..

    Well, I realize there is so much more about you I didn't know. I would like to know you more. Maybe we can help each other, you know? I have known two friends via online in the past and they have always been depressed and all that and their lives are pretty screwed up too. We share a lot with each other and I realize it helps a lot. I mean, even though we never seen each other since we are from different countries, I realize there is so much can be done even if its just online communication. One of them has attempted suicide even while we are keeping in touch and through our sharing and all, she managed to get back together and now is in control of herself.

    Look, I can't guarantee if this will work out but I hope we can keep in touch and share our thoughts and stuff as much as possible. Everyone and I mean everyone in SF love each other. Though some may have difference in their thoughts or anything, in the end, they are here for many common reasons I believe. I know by sharing our personal issues with each other won't automatically solve problems, but it definitely helps. If I didn't find this website in the first place, I may not even be writing this message coz I am probably dead already. I hope if possible, PM me or we can communicate via email and let us help each other and give ourselves hope. I won't mind sharing with you my darkest secrets just like I am sharing with some people already.

    The thing is I am always glad to be able to talk to other around the world who feels the same. No matter how bad things seems to be now, I believe there is hope when there is someone we can hold on to. I am not a good talker but I certainly can listen. I realize when I got here, there are so many people's whose life is 10 or 20 times worst than mine and its amazing they are actually here saving peoples lives! Please don't give up! I hope you seriously consider what I suggest here and give hope another chance for at least another moment. Miracles happen when we least expect them..please consider what I say and give yourself one more chance..

    I can share with you stories I have read online about how some people have suffered miserably and never have a chance to even take a short glimpse on what life is truly about. They remind me of just how lucky I am compared to them and in a way inspires me to live. I know again, it won't cast away my depression immediately and make a happy go lucky person but its a step further to hope for something better...
  15. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    Thanks for your consideration, peanut... I don't understand why you don't hate me, though. You probably do, deep down, when you really think about it.

    I know you get wiser with time, but wisdom isn't enough... I have to look good. It is so important... I think about it constantly... I'm obsessed with it. And I don't want it any other way, even though it makes me suffer so much. If they don't find a way to stop aging, soon, or reverse it, when I've reached around 35, I have to die...
  16. White Dove

    White Dove Well-Known Member

    you are welcome..

    i hope you find your true love at one of them.. i think i had found mine but then the Lord took him from me and i guess it was for the best cause if we had of gotten married then he would have had to watch me die...
  17. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    Of course I don't hate you! I may not agree with you...and I'm not going to pretend that I don't think your idea of love and life is the same as mine, but I can see that you are hurting, and I don't like that. I want you to be happy and live a full and wonderful life with the person you love, just like I am doing. Just try not to let your "idea" of the perfect person prevent you from actually "seeing" that person, you know? Love is mysterious and can take many forms and shapes...be open to it and try not to be so rigid. Sometimes we build these ideas up in our heads...in the West, it happens from seeing too many Disney movies :) , and we become blind to what is right there in front of us.

    If you are concerned about ageing, I suggest taking HGH...I also believe that you should talk to someone about your obsession with the physical idea of ageing, but you know that already, I think...HGH is considered by docs to be "the fountain of youth", and I myself am interested in trying it. I'm not especially psyched abut growing old and decrepit either, but at some point I think we should try to learn to accept it.

    Don't waste your youth (you are young!) on worrying about old age. You are in your prime right now, so enjoy it, because when you get older, you will regret not having enjoyed these times (at least, that's what my hubby says to me :) )
  18. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    What does HGH stand for? It's probably not so hard to check, though...

    expressive_child... maybe we can do that... I don't know if it will make much of a difference, though. I had a friend, once, that I was quite alike, and all I did was rant about the lack of a girlfriend, with him... it became worst when I was 20... and from there, it's just continued, the same way.

    I tried to buy the instant messenger application, anyway, by the way, but it even required a credit card, and that's a little too much for me. I thought the cost would end up on the phone bill, as usual.
  19. Hae-Gi

    Hae-Gi Banned Member

    I feel much better, now, by the way... much less pessimistic. But it's been this same routine since I was twenty... just keeps getting worse.
  20. Esmeralda

    Esmeralda Well-Known Member

    HGH is Human Growth Hormone...Your body produces it naturally throughout your life...but it produces less as you age. Scientists have found a way to synthesize it and deliver it. It makes you look and feel better...it is said to reverse the aging process to a certain extent and affects every part of your body and mind...the best HGH is given by a doctor by injection, but they also sell supplements via the internet that are supposed to cause your body to actually produce HGH.
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