Why so much agony?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by leavesinthewind, Aug 10, 2016.

  1. As I write this I cry, just thinking about how bad of a person I must be... Every time I look at how life has given me opportunities and all this I just keep rewinding what I could have done and keep on growing my self-loathing thoughts as I do so... But the question still remains, why do I do that if I know I'll feel bad? I just can't help blaming myself for whatever has gone wrong with me and this makes me feel really bad... I live with my dad and I simply hate him for no apparent reason, he's a very "unique" person and works in a lot of very difficult projects for some companies, which makes him very stressed, and as I'm almost the only close person that sees him daily he obviously will let something escape from all that stress. Counsciously I certainly am understanding of his situation and all those fucked up things he has to do in order to get a pay but uncounsciously I just hate him, I mean I feel like I'm doing it at every possible moment. Well, the point is, his birthday is in a few days, and he won't travel to comemorate it just because I don't want to go with him, he wants to stay with me. How bad of a person am I? My dad wants to comemorate his birthday with me and I as a **** hate him.
    Anyway, this is just a part of it all, I am a **** when it comes to friends as well as other people... I'm a very "popular" person in the places I frequent, I simply get a lot of atraction as some kind of burden of karma, and SIMPLY DON'T WANT IT! And if this seems half bad I simply can't distinguish anymore from how I treat some unknown people in the street to how I treat some of my closest friends, it sure seems very fucked up... The only person I'm close with is a girl who I like a lot, we're pretty much the same, and I do love her, but we won't get into anything deeper because she is homossexual, and again a part of me is understanding and supportive, but some other selfish part just hates the idea she won't ever be closer and can't bare this pain... I know I do mean a lot to her and I wouldn't like to get away from her just because I feel bad we're not ever going into anything deeper, I simply love her too much to do this.
    And now I have this impression that I'm very asking too, because in this same year a beautiful girl had asked me to if I wanted to date her and I said no, I didn't even give the poor girl a chance just thinking about this other girl whom I love, now I think that maybe I wouldn't feel as bad if I had someone by my side...
    I don't know what to do with all this in my life, I feel like such a ****... I have friends, and a supportive family, close people that are nice, but still... I have the impression I'm predisposed to hate half of them and dump the other half and move away to some far away place where I won't see them ever again... I constantly have suicidal thoughts as well, just thinking of how good it would be to everyone else if I simply died, like suddenly got hit by a truck or something, and sometimes this idea aliviates my pain a lot...
    I have these other friends whom are quite close as well, one is a lot older than me and the other is my age, and I used to vent to them, but suddenly I noticed that they simply didn't fucking care! One was for me just because being by my side could help her get closer to my father as she is my ex-stepmother, and she still loves my father. The other that is my age is a little fuck who is completely retarded and we're not even alike in a lot of ways, I used to be his only friend a lot of time ago and after being away we just started to talk again, as he's very lonely he'd listen to me all the way through, but recently not even this, and he keeps on saying stupid sexual things to me as if it would make me fell better... I feel so lonely yet so surrounded by people...
    Sorry for the long text I just wanted to vent it here, I have the notion that my problem isn't as big as other member's but yet I can't hold it anymore to me...
  2. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    He leaves, I am Mox

    Welcome to SF. You probably found us because you were googling ways to commit suicide. First if you do not think you are safe from hurting yourself, please go to the closest ER and get the help you need.

    You obviously do not like your father, but you do not know why? The way I read it , you don't like yourself very much either; why?

    I truly understand you love someone , that you can not have. I was in love with my best friend, but she did not feel the same way. That was not easy for me, and I am sure it is not easy for you. But we have to face reality , and face the facts. No matter how bad we want something we can not have it. That's life, and sometimes life does suck, it is not fair, but it is outside of our control. We can not change who they are. We have to realize that and move on.

    I feel like you seeing a counselor would be a good idea. You feel very strongly about something but you don't know why. A counselor will help you realize the why and help you deal with those emotions.

    If you feel like people are being your friend because they want something else or they don't care. Then you should remove those people from your life. And try to make new friends, you say you are very popular so making new friends comes easy to you, that is great.

    Your problem is serious enough that you are considering suicide , then your problems are very important and not to be taken lightly.

    Take Care
    chiaroscura likes this.
  3. chiaroscura

    chiaroscura BestTimePlantTree?100 YearsAgo. NextBestTime?Now. SF Supporter

    Hi Leaves in the Wind, I really hope you are still on board the forum. I would have written sooner, had I seen your post, but I was dreadfully sick last week, and am just getting back to this forum. I read every word of your message. You are VERY articulate and so clearly intelligent. I don't want to say I know how you feel, but I must admit that I have a lot of the same problems. Hating a parent, just HATING, and then feeling guilty about it, but still hating. And then being an actual introvert, but coming across as an extreme extrovert, as if a sign on my back says, "Talk to this person. This person LOVES dealing with zillions of people at all times" and then, I run home and hide, but only after putting on a show like I'm the funniest, most entertaining, happiest, most outgoing person in the world. And no one sees thru it. And yes, among my friends, my real friends, I HATE several, and i don't know why. I don't want the best for them and that is a nice way of putting it. I'm not jealous, and they've never done anything wrong, but I hate them, and then I hate myself for my hate, and then I wonder what it's like to love everyone. Some people seem like they do love everyone.

    But that was all just to say that my shoulder is here for you and there might be more understanding through similarity on this forum than you might expect or imagine.

    The girl you can't get, that is a heart smasher. I'm so sorry for that. And the one you turned down, and then had second thoughts. Can you find her again? Well even if y ou can't, it's obvious that you easily attract people, including women, and maybe just keep your eyes open and one will come along and she will help you deal with your attachment to the homosexual girl. Nowadays, relationships have no set formats, as you know. A man can have two committed partners. In your case, one could be the gay one, and another could be some wonderful woman you haven't met yet. The idea of monogamy is a setting sun, I think. Once gay marriage became legal, then no one can say it's not legal to have more than one partner. You can be at the cutting edge, perhaps. Here, I'm trying to make you smile a bit.

    But I agree with Mox, about getting help. We try to keep everyone alive here, even tho most of us sometimes really would prefer not to be. But together we slog on, and find meaningful care from each other. This is a very powerful forum, with over 1.5 million posts and soooooo many members.
    I hope I haven't written this all into the air, but maybe you've left us. I hope not. Stay, and say hi, and we can introduce you to some people of equal intelligence and who have suffered as you have, in their own way. No one on here hasn't suffered to the point of not being able to take it any more. You'll see that, and maybe it will take off some of your pain, to know you're not the only one with these feelings. Let us know if you are still here. I so hope you are. Your friend, Chia
  4. Hello Mox and Chia, you can call me Lea for short, I'm sorry for not checking the thread before, as I had many things to do in the couple last days and I was just too busy but I like to read these forums a lot, it just helps me forget some of my problems and think about other people who might be in difficult situations, maybe some kind of sympathy exercise... anyway, I do attend a psychologist on a weekly basis(I live in Brazil and here we don't have counsellors, at least I haven't seen any yet, but I'm guessing it's something similar to this model of psychologist we have here, at least from what I've seen in google), and she is a very good professional but sometimes I need to relieve this "agony", and there are days when it's been just one day I've talked to her, so last time this happened I decided to post here...

    Last week I talked to her specially about these matters with my Dad and she told me a great reason for such "hatred" was that we didn't know each other's spaces because I didn't grow up with him, so as weird as it might sound, it's a very natural thing to happen, but I still have no idea on how to solve it... every day that goes on I just feel like all this might fall back on me, all this suppressed hatred I throw somewhere in my heart...

    As in reply to Mox, I have these people in my life because of my Dad or other friends, of course that's no excuse but it's very difficult for me to tell them away, as Chia said, I have this feeling and hatred, and sometimes I even feel betrayed by them, but in the end of the day it's still good to have someone you can count on for certain things... I'm saying that it's still quite difficult for me to "unfriend" these people and I don't have any solid reason to keep them as friends, but I'm very needy of close people and they're the only ones I have for now... And well, yeah I'm quite popular but these people in my circles are so shitty... believe it or not these 2 friends that I don't like that much are better than most people I deal with every day(not much better but still I'm too lazy to try and get close to some of them as they're very restrictive)... it's just very difficult to find someone who's ready to have some closer contact and that's "smart enough" to establish conversation for even a small period of time. I'm starting to think of finding people online.

    I don't really know how to answer your question as to why I don't like myself much, giving it some thought I'm guessing I'm just not really happy with my life and I can't help blaming and feeling bad about myself, even though I'm reassured I'm someone that's smart and not ugly or anything I feel like I fall short on what some people expect from me, like my parents and maybe family, and if I'm not in a better situation I can only but blame myself for this, it's not something I chose to feel, I guess it's just too much pressure from when you're a child and then people forget you're growing and that you'll "hold" the values they give you for the rest of your life, seeing that way, it's almost natural to feel guilty for when you don't achieve what you were trying to...

    In reply to Chia, I'm actually surprised to see someone with a similar case, even if I was expecting this someone to exist, I wasn't necessarily expecting this person to answer so thank you, as you might know Brazil(the country I live) is a bit retrograde when it comes to relationships, sexuality and all that stuff, even though it's quite common in some places, most people are still very Orthodox to local church's preaching about monogamy and all that stuff, and even if someone is different and stuff, there still is that clear interference from some religious family member or something that tells this person it's wrong and the rest if pretty obvious... I don't know how open is this girl maybe to something different, but the slight possibility of losing her to try something that is really absurd for most people makes me sad almost instantly, as she is almost my best friend, and I could say I'm hers, but sometimes people are just scared of these possibilities, we only got so close because I'm not like the other guys she met before and I respect her limits as a homosexual person, so it makes me feel terrible only to think about disrespecting what united us in the first place...

    Btw you can be sure you didn't write this into the air, it's very nice to know there are people around who really care and are willing to answer others in need, I hope I have some time to participate here, even though I'm a bit introvert and prefer reading, now I see how good it is to be answered and I wish I had done it before...
    hugs, Lea.