Why some can cope better than others - support pillars

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by funnyfunny, Jan 20, 2015.

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  1. funnyfunny

    funnyfunny New Member

    I have been curious about why some people can cope better than others with depression and negative feelings. Whenever I get in a fight with my wife, I want to crawl into a hole and die. I pray that I won't wake up the next day. But I don't think most people think this way. Most people have a strong drive to live. I don't. Why don't others have such negative feelings about themselves? Here is what I have come up with.

    I feel like the more support pillars a person has in life, the more reason they have to live. For example, if we have Person #1 with the following life:

    1) Happily married
    2) Children who look up to him
    3) Successful job that enables his family to be financially secure
    4) Good relationship with parents, siblings, cousins, family
    5) Volunteers his time to a charity or helps other people in some way
    6) Strong network of friends from high school, college, professional career, etc
    7) In good health

    And contrast that to Person #2 (i.e. me) who:

    1) Wife is angry at him
    2) No kids
    3) Just started a small business, and I spend all my time struggling to keep it afloat
    4) Terrible relationship with my family members
    5) No charity activities, I don't really help anyone or touch anyone's lives through volunteering or mentoring.
    6) I only have one close friend who actually makes an attempt to keep in touch with me. Everyone else has slowly disappeared when once they have kids - that's how it is when you enter your 30s and are a solo entrepreneur
    7) Recently diagnosed with an autoimmune disease

    In an objective sense, what reason does Person #2 have to live? Not much reason, if you ask me. No pillars of support. Add that to the feelings of inadequacy and inferiority ever since I was a kid, and it's no wonder that I'm depressed and think about suicide all the time.

    If my wife is happy and we are doing ok, then with 1 support pillar, I feel ok. Not great, but at least ok. But when she gets angry and that support pillar is gone, then there's nothing holding me up.

    A healthy person with 7 support pillars or more can withstand one or more of the pillars collapsing because he still has the others to hold him up.

    If I can make it alive through the next few years, I just want to make enough money to keep my wife happy. Then at least I feel like I will have accomplished something. Another option is to take out a life insurance policy so at least she can benefit if I die.

    So I guess the obvious conclusion is to support yourself with as many pillars as you can so you can keep yourself happy and give yourself the drive to keep living every day!
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOur happiness should not depend on one person get some therapy to increase your self esteem your self worth ok Get out and make new friends then or make a plan to meet up with the one friend that does keep incontact with you have one day a month you hook up.

    support pillars are ok but you also need inner strength which therapy can help you with
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    While supports and things are nice and make life more meaningful for some people, how person responds to a situation is not (in my opinion) based on supports- they are based on self esteem and feelings of self worth. You have described things that you think have great value, things that you value the most- but they are not the same things for all people at all. Ultimately a persons feelings and reactions to negativity all come from within them selves. If a person calls person A stupid and person A is insecure about their intellect , had problems a lot in school, doubts his/her own abilities , etc then person A will respond very strongly to that. Does not matter how many support pillars s/he has. By the same token if person A was very successful in school or feels they could have been if chose to, in general believes/knows is smart and intellectually acute, has advanced degrees from Universities or is looked to as source of knowledge by work peers then being called stupid may elicit anger or laughter, but all they are thinking is ho w stupid the person that called them stupid is - it has no real effect on them at all.

    While that is a very basic example, it hold true for most everything- responding negatively to situations is based on insecurity or fear and lack of self respect. If lacking the things you listed makes a person feel insecure or less because that is what they use as criteria to establish worth in life of other or themselves they will respond negatively. Some people can have everything on your list and still respond very negatively , because those are not the things they place in value in, or because the symptoms of depression makes them unable to see and accept they have those things at all.

    A person does not need any of things you mentioned to have self esteem and self confidence and to respond well to criticism or negative things as opposed to implode or want to disappear. They just need to have a healthy sense of self and respect themselves as opposed to a sense of self loathing or feeling of inadequacy- and those are all feelings- not material things and material things do not make feelings change. Lots and lots of people believe that one or two or a few things in life are what has cause d their problems- always list "girlfriend/boyfriend as cause of unhappiness, lack of job as cause , not pretty / handsome, lack of money etc etc. And most find getting that one or a few of those things they thought would mean instant happiness has changed nothing because their opinion and feelings of themselves still did not change.
  4. Dan99

    Dan99 Active Member

    Dear funnyfunny,

    Great post! I am glad you took the time and effort to lay down your ideas in such an organized fashion.

    I am happy that you have brought up this topic because i have something i have been wanting to discuss that is related to this:

    Take me for example: i have had suicidal thoughts since high school (i am now 35) ......... but my father has NEVER had suicidal thoughts.....and he has been through a LOT more sh*t than i have ..... (divorce, betrayals, almost died to a kidney disease, etc.) ........... so this made me wonder what does he have that i don't? Why is he such a "Superman" while i am so easily toppled?

    I think it is Serotonin............

    I think some people are simply born with more Serotonin, or the ability to have serotonin more freely available at any given time.

    (This is just a theory of course)

    If anyone is reading this, please feel free to correct me/debate, because it would further enrich this topic.
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