Why such a day? why such humiliation. *TRIG*

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by butterflies32, Jun 15, 2008.

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  1. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Father's Day.
    A day to celebrate your dad. To thank him for bringing you into the world and caring for you.
    Keeping you safe.
    My Dad is my step dad.
    He is not perfect but he is better than my real dad.

    My real dad...sick bastard. He fought for access just to rape me.
    Just to touch me and me to touch him.
    Just to masterbate himself infront of me and arouse me.
    To Stick things up me.
    To make me give him hand job and scream at me when I could not do it right.

    Fuck the judge.
    He was told that real dad was unsafe.
    That I should not see him.
    So why give the go ahead.

    Fuck the police for not caring enough to put him away.

    So tell me why should I celebrate Fathers Day? Why should I be happy?
    Why does it remind me and make my memories worse?
    Why did he do it and why can I not end my life to be free.

    What do I have to celebrate, to be proud of? Fuck all thats what.

    Doubt anyone will read this but letting it all out feels good. I am so scared feel so dirty and yet I cannot get the dirt off.
    I suffer because of him. I face each new day in fear, feeling betrayed and upset. And I cannot do anything about it.

    What is there to do. I am so alone and nothing is around me. I live in a bubble and scared that it will pop to show my true self. The ugly fat miniture him. I cry whilst writing this whilst remembering. I fight and become violent because I was not able to then. I should have been. Sometimes I wonder if I am as bad as he is. I haven't done anything to anyone. I could not live with the fact that I made someone else feel like me.

    This has affected my whole life the way I do things, see things and approach things. I feel so vulnerable right now. I am scared of myself. I want to take 120 laxatives to get rid of everything inside of me. To wash out the guilt and dirt. I want to seriously overdose to take things that no one will be able to save me from and all bcause of what to day represents. All because today rules everyday. I will be here tomorrow. I will be here the next day and possibly the day after that. But coping with this is so hard.

    Enough I have rambled enough. I need to stop talking and thinking but this is not easy. How do you stop thinking stop seeing and reliving.

    I was abused, humiliated and rewarded. A never ending cycle.

  2. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    I am sorry for the swearing.
  3. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    That person is evil. You are not. Don't let them or anyone else tell you otherwise. You wish you could have fought back? Should have? No, don't blame yourself ever. Much easier said then done, right? It was never your fault, you're not weak or dirty or disgusting or evil ore vile. That person is evil. Not you, never you.

    You are strong person. All the best.
  4. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    I do not understand. Y do I feel like this then if my feelings are not right. I understanf what you are saying and I so wish I could believe that it was not my fault. But it was I could have stopped it...couldn't I?

    I feel so sick

  5. no point

    no point Well-Known Member

    Hello Sam,

    How could you have stopped your dad? You were a child when he did those things to you. You were probably so scared. I know you don't believe me when I say it but it is not your fault. I hope you will see that!

    Take care...
  6. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    I was scared I still am :sad:

    I do not want to feel like this but I do not know how not to. I so badly want to believe it was not my fault but some of the things he said....

    It just makes me think otherwise.

    Thank you for your support...I feel so alone

  7. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    That's the goal of many rapists to make the victim feel responsible. I wish I could help more, I'm not a good person to talk to about anything but there are a lot on here who've had similar experiences and maybe able to help you.

    I can only say until I'm blue in the face, it isn't your fault.
  8. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Then more must be prosecuted and put into jail and die there hopefully suffer from what they did to us.

    Y are you not a good person to talk to hammock? you give some really good support and advice.I was really glad to read your response. I was in such distress that the thought of anyone replying to me was not something I thought would happen.

    I just hate him so much and yet I think that he should not be hated but should still have people being nice to him coz part of me still thinks that he is stil good and I do not blame him.

  9. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    Remember all the good with the bad, remembering the whole person is a good thing. Take with you what can make you stronger and more capable person. Don't escape the pain with drugs or alcohol, confront it and beat it. Your emotions can work against you too, you must remember that the events are in the past and they can't actually harm you anymore (physically).

    I'm not a good person to talk to about anything. So take my advice with a grain of salt.
  10. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member


    I can't do that.

    So take my advice with a grain of salt.

    What you say makes a lot of sense. You sound really down?!? remember keep talking.

  11. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    hey hunny,
    im so sorry to hear of your pain. you are so brave to let this all out. Its the first step towards getting better and learning to heal.

    Fathers day is bullshit - its a hallmark holiday made to create cash for big buisness. Good luck to all the people with good dads, but people like you and me and so many others dont need the reminder. Please try not to let it upset you, take it for what it is. bullshit.

    You didnt deserve what happened to you. Part of the power of an abuser is to make you feel like the bad one, the guilty one. its all part of the cycle hunny but i can promise you that you didnt deserve it. he hurt you, he is the evil one. you are innocent in this, and a wonderful person.

  12. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Heya diluted angel,


    I got so angry on that day and depressed at the same time. I am still trying to work out if I was ment to post it all. I am just so dirty, sick and not worth much anymore.

    I guess the post explains why.

  13. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy


    post when you want or need to post, it is absolutly fine.

    you are not any of those things. you have been hurt but you are not those things.

    you are kind,
    i could go on and on.

    but you are not those things
  14. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member


    Do not mean to sound arguementative but no one can see the dirt. On here I am some one who helps others coz I do not want to think about all this. It hurts so much and yet it is all my fault. Maybe I am what you say I am. I have been told all that often before... and I guess I am.

    Someone who I havn't seen for almost 3 years said to me in the middle of a conversation...'are you well? are you ok? because I know that you show what you do not feel you are always a happy person on the outside' A mask I carry it all the time. I guess I can't face people without it. After all who wants to see the ugly shit under that mask of mine. I am fat n huge and need to lose weight. If I lose the mask then people will see me asssss disguting...a desease. After all who belives me. No one. Not even on the littlest things that are facts no one ever believes me.

    I am not feeling to great.


  15. Tnecniv

    Tnecniv Well-Known Member

    Sam... I'm so sorry... but I must say... you couldn't do anything... you told me that you were only 7 when it happend! and tell me... what can a 7 year old do to a grown up man? NOTHING! I understand why you feel what your feeling... but don't blamr yourself for it... THAT is just to stupid.... and your a nice girl Sam... hold on... I don't think I'm the only on who cares...
  16. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member

    Thanks tneicniv.

    Maybe I was not strong enough to fight him off but I could have known that what he said was not right and told someone ignoring the threat.

  17. Blueberry

    Blueberry Active Member

    I am not a rape survivor -- I am a trauma survivor that was held captive and performed sex to sedate my captor.

    I am a suicide survivor.

    Both experiences have left me scarred beyond imagine.

    There's a healing journey underway, for sure. Just like your F.E.A.R. -- I've had to face everything -- and am still recovering.

    But also discovering -- what does it take to heal from severe trauma?

    Sometimes our "feelings" lie -- it is only when we quiet the mind and listen to both our heart and our mind that we find truth.

    Validating this truth over and over again provides relief -- but what else?

    There is a very powerful woman who was discovered by a coupld who do documentaries. In searching through her story -- they find a powerful way to escape pain.

    The documentary is called Forgiving Mengle. It is very moving, sometimes hard to watch -- but profound in it's dealing with pain -- how to deal with pain, how to be free of pain. How to be free.

    When we uncover our truth -- by quieting and listening to both heart and mind together -- a second thought will almost surely rush in. This second, judgmental thought is what causes suffering.

    Let me give you an example. The first, true thought would be "My trust was violated by my biological dad". The second, judmental thought, which causes suffering would be "I am dirty".

    The trick with truth thoughts is to let them stand alone.

    They don't need the second, judgmental thought -- which is not true, but a source of suffering.

    When we let true thoughts stand alone, without following them with the second suffering thought -- our pain diminishes and we are able to deal with truth.

    Sam -- my hope for you is that you are able to stop at the truth thought -- find the truth in the hard-to-watch Forgiving Mengle, and release these secondary suffering thoughts from causing you continued pain.

    Wishing you some peace today -- and thank you for reaching out to me on my thread,
  18. butterflies32

    butterflies32 Well-Known Member


    What you wrote has hit me. It is true and stuff that I forget. I must remember this. I will print it and stick it somewhere for myself to remember. I feel a wierd sende of peace reading what you wrote.

    Thank you

  19. Bagpuss18

    Bagpuss18 Well-Known Member

    Hi honey,

    Its mj here.

    I just want you to know that you are not alone, not ever. You have me now, and plenty other SF guys 'n' gals.

    If it helps, I can kind of relate to the feeling of dirtiness. But I told you a brief overview of my experiance in our private chats. I'll happily share the rest with you if you want me to. It might help you feel less alone; like someone understands.

    Nothing makes it your fault. I know from experiance that it is hard to bbelieve that, but you will come out the other end of this. I promise. And I will be right beside every single tiny step of the way. I promise.

    Someone told me that suicide is an escape for you, yes, but you then pass your pain on to at least ten other people. And I'm sure you wouldn't wish this shit on anyone. I'm sure you wouldn't wish the pain on to those that love you. Im sure you wouldnt want your friends that are already distressed themselves to have yet more to deal with. Hang in there for me, and I'm hanging in here for you.

    Love honey,

  20. Bagpuss18

    Bagpuss18 Well-Known Member

    Remember this saying and remember it from me:

    Butterflies are free

    Short and sweet; but easy to remember and effective.

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