Why suicide ? My thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sevendust, Dec 19, 2011.

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  1. sevendust

    sevendust Active Member

    Only time I ever feel at peace is, when I'm laying down, just before sleep. I imagine a beautiful world, beyond the world I live in, as I drift off to sleep. The human race, makes the world an unbearable place to live. I've tossed the idea of suicide, because sleep is the only time I feel peace, and that's like being dead, only I wake up to another day of human cruelty. Each day the idea of permanent sleep, feels more appealing.

    Truth is no one cares !!! No one ever takes suicide seriously, till after one committs suicide. Then all those associated with the person, wonders why? Well, answer is simple, why? didn't you care while they were alive. Why didn't you love that person ?

    People committ suicide, cause no one loves or cares about them. My family tells me, I love you, I care. Actions speak louder then words. Where are they now? Where is everyone?

    No one ever takes suicide seriously, till it actually happens, but then it's to late, but some survive. Truth is, no one ever cares, until tragedy occurs. No matter, what the warning signs are.

    I'm not afraid to die, if I was afraid, I would have never served in the military. I loved, cared & protected the very same people, that doesn't give a hoot about me.

    Most would agree, we are here, because we are tired of giving and not recieving. I have done nothing but love, majority of my life, and never recieved any in return. Even now, when I talk of suicide, no one loves me, no one listens, in the real world, to show that I matter. My daughter tell's me, I love you. Of course you love me, but do you love me for all I've done for you or do you love me, for who I am. She never hesitates to call, when she needs something, any other time, I forget I have a daughter, that's goes with everyone else to. They only call, when they need something. Now, I'm diabled not able to give, where are they? Gone !!

    I'm tired of battling my health alone, on top of that battle everyone else, just to get some help. Look, I care about myself, I'm trying to get help, but eventually my battles will consume me. And now, I'm at the point of suicide, reason I'm at this forum.

    It saddens me, I have recieved more, love, support, understanding from forums, past & present, then I do in the real world.

    I like to stay up to the point of exhaustion, cause when I lay down to sleep, I feel completely at peace, and most times, don't want to wake up. Reason, I haven't committ suicide is my daughter, once I let go of her, which is getting easier, there's no turning back. She's the only attachment, I have to this world.
  2. 1Lefty

    1Lefty Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry you're in pain.

    I'm glad you're here and you're welcome here .We're a caring community, we all try to help each other (as much as we can over the internet).

    I hope that some of the help you're seeking is counseling.

    Chances are that someone here has been , or currently is in your position. And I think we all can relate to loneliness and rejection.

    You are important to us. Please keep posting here.
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    ((sevendust)) sorry you not getting back the love that you have given over the years.. that hurts all the time. but keep giving best you can despite that. we here on suicide forum care about you .. as far as casual remarks about suicide by most is something that most obervers of this causes people to run from at top speed.. maybe only exceptions to this is a trained mental health professional... we try not to do that here.

    keep trying and i am hoping you hang in there..tc, Jim
  4. sevendust

    sevendust Active Member

    Hello, thanks for support. I don't know, I've lived many years of my life, and rarely had thoughts of suicide. Just the past few years, after my health went downhill, my thoughts have become more intense. It's like no matter how much I hope for, life experiences to improve, the worse it get's. Mortgage company is about to foreclose on my home, I have till Jan to settle past due amount. I've been paying on my home for 13 years ! only 2 more years till it's paid off. With my health declining it's very difficult. Bank doesn't care. I was told tonight, I was disapproved for hardship, because I have no income, so no adjustments can be made on my account. My life just continues to fall apart. I feel so alone and helpless, when I was healthy, my life was completely in control. Everything I've tried, I've been rejected for assistance, tried social security, I was denied 3 times, because I own to much assests.

    I would rather end it all, and keep all I've worked for, then to live out in the streets with nothing. No matter whom I seek assistance from in the real world, I'm declined. I'm trying to stay strong, but it's becoming a losing battle.

    Thanks for reading :)
  5. shub11

    shub11 Banned Member

    seriously its so sad to read all this ... cant think of a solution , I wonder how would you come out of this mess... best of luck to u ..
  6. sevendust

    sevendust Active Member

    Hi shub, thanks for stopping by. My life is a total mess, worked hard all my life, to gain all I own, and now working twice as hard to keep it. Life sux's !!!! I applied for disability again this morning, for the 4th time !!! Hope all in life is treating you well :)
  7. sevendust

    sevendust Active Member

    Having a health disorder disabling me, is my reason for suicide, I feel totally helpless. I'm a prisoner in my own home. I'm shut out away from the world, at the same time, not able to venture out into the world. It's like, I'm just left here to die. If anyone has seen the Metallica music video One. That's exactly how I feel. Fatigue has taken over my entire life. My body feels paralyzed from the neck down.

    Doctors can't find any answers. I only have energy approx 1-2 hours a day, rest of the time, I'm laying down, watching movies, on the computer or reading a book. I may get a visitor once or twice a month. Rest of the time, I'm alone other then my cyber friends.

    I am so sad, I can no longer go out and enjoy the sunshine, walk beside the lake, all I see is 4 walls everyday. I am so lonely, I cry alot. Everyone is so busy in life, they don't have time to stop by or give me a call, I understand. Life can be challanging.

    I try to hold on each day, I try to find reasons to live each day, but it's getting more and more difficult, I'm nearly a vegetable. I wouldnt' be so lonely, If I could walk, get out of the house. Diseases sux !!!
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