why the hell live on?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tesseract, Jan 25, 2008.

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  1. tesseract

    tesseract Well-Known Member

    Okay, Chronological order of events..
    I meet Mia, girl, classmate.
    We start talking, cool.
    Have fun, mess around.​
    I make the error of falling in love with her.
    She says no. My father dies. //Pretty much at once..
    I get depressed.
    She tries to help, tries to look out, etc.​
    I get more and more down,
    She gets fed up with the fact that she has to lookout, cause I get all suicidal if she doesnt.
    I tell her to just let go, and not to care about me.
    I think its over, depression decreases.​
    Empty nights, I feel alone, getting back to the blues again..
    Meet Chy, on net..
    Talk to her, nothing much.
    Talk some more, we understand each other a lot.​
    New year, start with getting drunk.
    See Mia again, think: God, your cold, your an asshole..
    Feel cold, alone,
    Get closer to Chy.
    One day, I look into Mia's eyes, for some reason.
    I freeze. I know something has changed.
    I dont know wether I love her or not.
    Have some long night conversations with Chy..
    She's more than just an msn contact..​

    \\present day\
    I dont know what the hell I want..
    I need a hug. not a smiley, a hug..
    I want to feel someone love me.
    I'm goddamn alone..​

    Whats going to happen is,
    I found someone, I get hurt by them, I get depressed again, and find someone again. It just goes round and round. Why should I?
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Well.. why d'you feel you shouldn't live on?
    You've written that you get low after you get hurt by someone, and that's a natural thing, unfortunately - I've been there a few times, and it does hurt, definitely..
    You're not alone here, saying that you've been through hurt to do with relationships - there are many people here who've been through the same thing ..

    How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? :)
  3. tesseract

    tesseract Well-Known Member

    why shouldnt I live on..

    hmm, lets see now, you get hurt, you fight to keep yourself together, keep going on. Why? So someone else can hurt you. You fight, fight, for nothing.
    Call me lazy, but unless I get some "profit" from it, I refuse to live on.

    btw, I'm 15. - But I know your just gonna say, "you dont need a relationship, your young, etc.."
  4. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Well, I'm 17, and I'm not going to say that you don't need a relationship, as at the end of the day, it is a basic need. That said, even though you've had two bad relationships, does in no way mean that the rest of them are going to go that way too - the next person you meet, may treat you well and not leave after a month or so.
    When you're a teenager, and I include myself in this, relationships can seem the be-all and end-all - and I'm not trying to belittle your problems, far from it - I joined because I was depressed over my first breakup, but, harsh as it is, life does move on. And, as the old cliche goes, time generally is a great healer in this case.

    The way I've come to view relationships (and I've only had a couple in my life so far), is that if they're there in a year or so's time, then great. If they're not, then it just wasn't meant to be, but you will find others who treat you better and not leave you at the drop of a hat, I'm sure.
    Also, not that I know your previous girlfriends, it seems you're a very mature person, but bear in mind that most people aren't at their most mature at 15 (presuming they're the same age as you). As you get older, I'm sure you'll find others who share your vision of 'relationship', and someone'll find you who you really want to be with, and it'll work out.
    The key though, is living on and getting through each day, taking each one as it comes. Sure, it may be a hard thing to do, but I'm almost 100% sure that you'll be happier as you're older when you find the right person for you.

    Sorry for the long post, hope it makes you feel a little better.
  5. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    You're going to have bad relationships. We all do eventually. That's how you find the right one. That's how you learn about relationships. It's never easy. No relationship is, not even the good ones. They take work and sacrifice. That is actually what makes the relationship worth while. It may hurt at times when you open up and love someone but it can also be the most rewarding experience. Relationships are about give and take, not profit. Not how much you alone gain from it.
  6. tesseract

    tesseract Well-Known Member

    No its not. It just gives you time to realise how much you miss her/him.

    You dont know that. I'm just some geek getting all emotional.

    What long post? Well, thanks anyway..
  7. tesseract

    tesseract Well-Known Member

    Okay, I have to give too, I know that thanks, but I'm not giving for ever, if I dont see something in return. I might do favours, be nice, etc, but I'm not having that as a life.
  8. emptytank

    emptytank Active Member

    Screw you. I am ten years older than you and have never had a relationship in my life.
  9. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Tesseract, you still are quite young (15). Maybe you need to mature some more and figure out what it is you really want in a relationship?
  10. tesseract

    tesseract Well-Known Member

    Right, and I'm to blame on that one arent I..

    Maybe you need to read my posts and find out how mature/immature I am, and then tell me to wait or not.
  11. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    There's absolutely no need for that tone, emptytank.

    tesseract: Granted, there is the stage of going through thinking about them a lot, missing them. Over time, I've found, that those memories will fade to just the good times - it takes time, but it will happen, I'm sure.
    You're not some geek getting emotional - you're a person who's missing being in a relationship, and missing the girlfriend who left you. Just hang in there, and take each day at a time and see what happens :)
  12. tesseract

    tesseract Well-Known Member

    thanks for the reply Abacus21.

    She never actually was my GF.

    The problem is, whenever I think of an ex, the first thing I remember, are the mistakes I made, Why didnt I call her, I should have been there, etc. I have a lot of guilt. which I deserve, mind you.
  13. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    You were simply being human. Even though my husband abused me I am the first to admit I made a lot of mistakes at first in marriage as did he. It didn't warrant the abuse. We all screw up. the difference is you and I feel guilt for our mistakes, abusers do not. Because we feel guilt we can learn and improve. I've made mistakes in every relationship. I mess up every day. But you know what because we acknowledge our mistakes it shows we care and are good people and one day someone will really appreciate that. And more importantly they'll allow us to be humans and make mistakes sometimes.
  14. tesseract

    tesseract Well-Known Member

    That felt good. Thanks. I just dont feel that I'm improving.. I keep making more and more, and there more and more severe.
  15. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    But remember we have to forgive ourselves for our mistakes. If we keep beating ourselves up over them then we are more than likely going to repeat them or make even worse mistakes.
  16. tesseract

    tesseract Well-Known Member

    How do I forgive myself if I knew it was going to happen, and I caused myself pain. I cant forgive that.
  17. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    tesseract I'm not going to sit here and say you're too young to feel depressed etc because that would be stupid and untrue,I understand exactly what you're saying.I also can see by one or several experinces it's left a pretty dry taste in your mouth to say the least and not something to give you confidence.All I can say to you is that not everyone will hurt you but don't think I don't know where you're coming from because I do 100%.
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