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Why the shame?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by morfea, Oct 20, 2009.

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  1. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    I feel that my most destructive feature is when I scream inside for help but cannot say it and admit that I need help, even worse when someone notice that I'm not well and offer help, that I so much long for, I say I don't need it. Why am I ashamed? I did it in my twenties, I'm still doing it in my fourties. There are so many things about me that I've changed, but this one I can't, and I can't understand why.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I am that way too. And people think I must like being the way I am because I turn away from help when it is offered. I cant say for you why but for me I think it is because since I was a young girl I was the strong. Whether I felt it or not, that is what was expected of me. So I filled that role. Then when things got out of control for me, people just always thought, she's strong, she can do it or make it. And then the years married to my ex stripped me of any confidence or strength I had. I was taught that I wasnt important. So it is so hard for me to ask for help because I always feel like I may be taking help away from someone that is important or needs it more than me.

    It is also a way for me to isolate, something I'm too good at. When I need the help the most I turn people away and let the depression over take me.

    I really dont know why we do such things. At one time I think it was my own way of making myself push harder because I had to do it myself. But now, there is nothing left to push with so I really dont know why. But I do understand how you feel and what you're saying. If you ever want to talk I'm a pm away.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I can relate to both post as yes always the caregiver the peacemaker yet when i need help noway i am not going there. It is an internal voice saying you are not going to let anyone win you are able to do this yourself. Shame perhaps as i hate people looking down their noses at me as if they are better. I think this place has made me realize everyone needs help at some point in their life No one is immuned to needing it If you need help antime just reach out to one of us here because you know no one judges here or get upset okay
  4. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    One doctor told me that the reason could be 'the fear to loose my own identity', meaning that I'm so used to hiding depression and some important parts of my life from other people in fear of being missunderstood and rejected, that it became a part of who I am, and I would feel as if someone took a part of me if that changed, on some subconcious level I wouldn't feel I was the same person any more.
    She also said that people who didn't feel loved and secure when they were children beleive that they don't deserve it even when they get older and realize that it wasn't their fault they were abused and/or neglected.
    Not sure how much sense it makes.

    Thank you for replies, it means a lot that someone feels similar to me, especially when my feelings seem crazy and totally unlogical.
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your therapist sounds pretty smart i can understand what she is saying I am glad you are seeing someone who understands your pain and past. You are certainly not insane or ilogical I don't truly understand why the same stays but with it anger stays too. Do you have alot of anger toward the people who hurt you i can't seem to let go of that Thanks for posting as what you say has help me understand some things to.
  6. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    Anger is one thing I have managed to let go, I hated and feared my parents for more than 40 years and finally realized that I'm only doing harm to myself. Well I don't feel angry any more, fear still in some way.
    The most powerful statement I have read about struggling with depression is - "Nobody will come." Nobody will come to change the past, to punish those who hurt us, to correct what was done. When you realize that it's easier to let go of anger, stop thinking about the past and start focusing on present, not think - Why was it as it was? any more, because it cannot change anything, it only brings you sadness and grief and you feel frustrated because you cannot change the past. You stop waisting your time and energy on things and people you can't change and start thinking more about yourself and how to make your life better. That's when I realized how therapeutic laughter is, I started noticing funny side of things, I became less ashamed and begun making jokes, mostly on my own account. Easier said than done, I know.
    And the fear is still in me. Isn't that funny? I'm a 47 year old woman who is raising two kids on her own for 12 years now, and still fears what her parents will say, less than before, but still do sometimes.
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