Why? Triggering.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by YetAnotherWhiningPerson, Oct 26, 2007.

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  1. Hmm, let's look back

    Jan 2005 - Referred to CPN, saw her, had assessment, said she would contact me within 8 weeks. never did.

    April 2005 - September 2005 - In A&E/admitted to a medical ward at least once a week, normally more often for ODs and/or stitches, crisis team spoke to me each time, told me I was ok because I was smiling.

    July 2005 - Referred to another CPN, had assessment, told me she would get back in touch after she had researched what they could offer me, never got in contact.

    September 2005 - Crisis team referred me to psychiatrist after I cried because I was sick (I actually didn't feel as mentally bad as normal, but was relieved at getting a referral).

    September 2005 - Saw psych, told me he would refer me to a psychologist for DBT with a view to start it within a couple of weeks.

    December 2005 - Psychologist cancels the appointment just as I am about to leave for it, then goes off sick so I can't get another one, but wouldn't refer me to another psychologist.

    January 2005 - January 2006 - Saw counsellor organised outside of NHS.

    January 2006 - Counsellors tells me I am not trying, 'i need to try harder and I am not getting better, despite constantly telling me for the whole year I was trying hard, I was getting some where, etc, so clearly she was lying.

    January 2006 - Went to the out of horus doc because my urine was thick brown sludge, told him I wanted to die (but really I was craving help), he asked me why I was at the doctors then, so I left.

    January 2006 - March 2006 - Found a terrific GP, but couldn't stay with her, had to move.

    February 2006 - Called crisis team because I was scared of what I would do and that I needed help, they told me they would refer me to see a psychologist in 8 weeks, but that was not good enough. I did go and do myself big damage. I stopped really seeking help at this point, and mostly gave up apart from off occassions.

    April 2006 - Told new GP eveything, he told me it was clear I needed a long term psychologist, but would only refer me to a counsellor for 6 sessions.

    April 2006 - Went to A&E (I had stopped bothering to go), they wanted to operate to save the tendon, so I panicked and left. Psych liaison nurse phoned me at home to arrange and appointment. I went to appointment, but she didn't turn up. She phoned me at home later that day to arrange another one.

    June 2006 - Had assessment for CAT, was supposed to go every week, but my delusions and psychosis kicked in and I couldn't leave the house or talk to anyone so he discharged me (fair enough in all honesty, didn't bother to try and help though).

    September 2006 - Sectioned, put on a six month section and released after 4 days because I smiled and didn't look depressed.

    October 2006 - Social Worker wanted to break patient confidentiality and talk to my parents (I'm a fully grown adult and there was no need), so as I did not trust her, I couldn't see her again, so for the next meeting, she sat otuside the house and watched the house even though I had cancelled the meeting.

    I tried to cope by myself for a year because I couldn't see anyway to access help that would help me.

    September 2007 - poured my heart out to my doctor, he phoned the triage psych team and they were supposed to call that day for an assessment and never did, nor the next day, they called the next day by which time my barriers were all up and I didn't want to know. He told me he would write to them to get them to write to me, but that was 6 weeks ago, and I've not heard anything.


    You knwo what? I'm so desperate for help, but it seems when I want help, they won't give it, but when I don't want help (such as when I was sectioned) they are all over me, very briefly, then are unhelpful again.

    What is it that makes me so unhelpable? That makes them not want to help me in anyway? Yet they seem to help anyone and everyone else? What did I do so wrong?

    So here I am, left by myself, wprking my way through my arm, with the aim to cut it off, with no hope of any help, or change, left to die.

    Go on, bash me now and tell me it's all my fault and they have tried and I didn't. It's what I deserve.
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    This is verging on a bloody comedy sketch except it's NOT funny:mad:

    Honest to God what has happened with the psych services!!! :mad: and a social worker who thinks its a good idea to sit outside of a potentially paranoid client's house needs, quite frankly, to be taken out and shot:mad:

    No one could say you haven't tried, because by God you have!!!
    And I know that feeling of why does everyone else get help except me (to a lesser degree cos my problem is only with the housing department, but yeah!!)

    My aunt, who always gets her own way, harasses and that seems to be the answer..she will phone, visit and NAG and NAG and NAG till she gets what she wants cos they are desperate to get her off their backs. Not easy I know when you are feeling depressed as hell. :hug:
     
  3. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    If they dont ring you, then you should ring them!
    Seriously. And they are idiots for dismissing you all those times.
    I wish you had a psych team like mine.
    They like to hound us down if we dont turn up. I feel selfish for that.
    The important thing for any of us is to seek help and we always encourage it, and yeh in theory it looks good but from your experiences it just proves how fucked the system actually is. Anyway sorry for my pointless post.
     
  4. Thank you both. The sad thing is that they are mental health teams in two totally different areas of the UK.

    The fact that they won't help me is getting to me very much. I wrote this in my LJ earlier.

    ' no one can evert tell me its in my head asgain. doc phoned the crisis team for R and sahe has an ssessment today. what happened when he apprently phoned for me to ahve an assessment? nothing because they never bloody called and then told me the letter wqas a mistake.

    i bet he never even called them, i kjnow they are all mocking me, that they want me dead. i kjnow he tried to pison me, but i never took the tabs. the mentla health people ar out to get me and make me worse so thst i am not a drian on the nha GAIN, so that i dont tarnsit their lvies again.

    i will jill myself, i knwo that, but i wanted to some help and support in the meantime to hjelp me keep going as long as poss., but they dont want to tgive it because i am worthless, evil and supposed to be dead. i know they only sectioned me to make me worse, it fucking worked weel, they can feel very proud of themsdelves.

    R is helpable, they probably like her, or maybe she is in on it to and is also trying to push me over the edge to maske me worse. either way they c\an all feel very fucxking proud of the fact i am firmly in my worthless palce, and i will kill myself. but it iwll be my priviledge to do that, nho one elses. in the mean time, i will carry on cutting off my arm. '

    I wrote that just after I found out that my doctor helped someone else on another forum, as did the crisis team, and yet no one will help me (it was all that that caused me to write the original post). I'm glad R has help, but why her? Why not me? What is it about me that makes them fuck me over even more? The bit in that entry that I forgot to mention in my original thread was that after they dind't call me this last time, but called a few days later, they also sent me a letter telling me to call them, which I did, really desperate, and the guy told me it was a mistake, the letter shouldn't have been sent, and to not call back. Nice.

    People keep telling me I'm seriously ill, that I'm delusional or psychotic and I need to go to hospital and be inpatient, but I'm not. I can't see how anything I think is delusional when you look back at all the facts and see they won't help a suicidal person. If you won't help them, then clearly you want them dead.

    Terry, I cried when I read what you wrote, I really thought I would get bashed for having help but not making use of it. Thank you both. Blackness, I'm gla dyou have a good team :)
     
  5. Ruby

    Ruby Well-Known Member

    I'm disgusted with the way you've been treated. Sometimes mental health professionals don't realise that you don't have to sit crying all day to be depressed or suicidal. How are you doing now?
     
  6. I do a lot of crying, but only when I'm alone. When someone else is about I stick on the happy smiley face, and I can't even help it. The only time it lapses is if I am really flying over the edge, and that happens so rarely, and only if I'm trying not to cut or something.

    As for how I am now, who knows. Am I psychotic or delusional like people say? I don't know, I personally think that what I know is the truth. What I do know is that I am following my brains instructions for how to cut off my arm, and recently suicide became a viable option again and I am stockpiling pills and blades. But all this is normal, right? The hospital said there was nothing wrong with me so therefore all these things must be normal, which must make me ok?
     
  7. your not a whining person sweetie, youve been through too much shit with the services, they have really really let you down when youve most needed them , so no wonder you cant trust people anymore,..i wish there was some way you could get the help you need and deserve.. all i can say is people on SF are here for you . i just hope you can be safe and survive. pm me anytime, im always here for you day or night. sarah x
     
  8. Thank you, but you really need to focus on yourself right now. Supporting others will send you potentially spiralling down. You need to put yourself first.
     
  9. The person I mentioned before, that the team is helping, has just been admitted into hospital by the crisis team hwo have been visiting her for the past few days. I don't want to be in hospital, but I'm very jealous of her getting help. My arm is mulch, and will be made worse. I feel awful for being jealous of her, but I can't help it. I'm such a bad person.
     
  10. you arent a bad person, you deserve the help and support too though.. youve every righht to be feelign how you are rihgt now, i wish i could help more.. all i can suggest is you try and contact a servicce yet again hun, u need help so desperately..
     
  11. But how can I contact them when I know they want me dead and are actively trying to kill me? I didn't take the 'anti-depressants' my GP forced on me because I knew they were really poison. I can't talk to my parents and get them to help me or anything because they are tyring to poison me. I haven't eaten anything made for me since August because I know it's poisoned. There is no where I can go that is safe. And even if I did find somewhere, after that person would have met me then they too would be working with others to try to hurt me. There is no where I can go.
     
  12. it sounds like you are having delusions possibly hun, i used to think some of the same things as you are expressing. its hard to work out for yourself whether it is true or not when you 100% believe it to be true.. i just hope you can reach out and be helped anyway, you need it sweetie..
     
  13. People keep syaing that, but I can't believe them. Do I really risk it by going to see someone when I know they are trying to kill me? I intend to be the one that ends my life, not anyone else.
     
  14. i no its hard for you to belive,. but people are not trying to kill you. youve been let down by all the services in the past and maybe thats whats lead u to believe thease things.. reach out for help, take the risk and you might just get the support and care you need might you.. its worth a ttry atleast
     
  15. I can't go and see anyone, just incase. I already carry a couple of methods of suicide with me wherever I go,but that might not be enough in a doctors surgery. If I was brave enough, could I write a letter?
     
  16. writing a letter would be a very go0od idea, it would get accross your point from the safety of ure own home.. i really would reccomened that, it could be the access to help . maybe write a letter and post it on here for tips on exactly what to say ( enless u no already what to say)
     
  17. How about something like this?


    'Dear Dr *****

    I know I have not been to see you for years, since I was in my early teens, but I didn't know who else to write to. I saw Dr **** in September about what was going on for me and that I needed help, but him and the Triage team stitched me up to make me worse by telling me they would help, and then him and the CMHT doing everything possible to make things worse for me. He also prescribed me 'anti-depressants', but I havent' taken any of them because they are really poison, I know that.

    I'm really desperate for help, but I can't actually come to see you, because I know that if I do come and see you, you will remember what I really am, and join the conspiracy to kill me, just as my parents have, all the other doctors I have seen recently and the CMHT. I honestly don't think you can/will help me, but I need to try.

    I have to try to find a way to live at the moment, because I have a responsibility to some animals, but right now, I'm struggling. I've been following my brains instructions for how to cut off my arm. I haven't done much damage yet, but have lost a lot of use of two of my fingers on my left hand, as well as some wrist movement. It's the same cut that Doctor **** saw back in September, I've just carried on working on it. Once I have totally got the tendon on the top of my arm, I have to do the one on the underneath of my arm, and keep alternating like that until I have lost full movement of my hand, and then I will cut it off at the elbow with an ***. I'm scared about that, but I can't not follow the instructions.

    I know I will eventually kill myself, but that is my priviledge, not anyone elses. I know I'm a drain on the NHS, I know I'm evil, worthless and that there is nothing at all wrong with me (the last psychiatrist I saw said I was ok, but, thinking of it, was he in on it all?) but the way I feel, the wretchedness of it all, is it normal? And if it is, how does everyone else cope with it? Is there anyway you can help me?

    Please, I'm really scared.

    Thank you very much for reading this letter, I hope I've done the right thing by writing it.

    Your Sincerely'



    I don't think I could ever send that, to be honest. And I've literally just written that now, and stuff, so I don't know exactly what it says or anything.
     
  18. i8 think if u could manage to send that letter it would be really helpful and a great way of making them take u seriously and getting u some support hun. it was a very we; writeen letter and got ure point across well. if u -possibly could, send it. x
     
  19. I think I already know the answer, but any ideas what he might do?
     
  20. he would proberly ring you up and make an appointment to see you asap. thats what i think he should do, and then he should listen to you and find out exactly what is going on for you.. offer some support maybe crisis team etc,. im not entirely sure but he should within his duties help and support you, if hes a good doctor, he wil help you hun. xx
     
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