Hmm, let's look back Jan 2005 - Referred to CPN, saw her, had assessment, said she would contact me within 8 weeks. never did. April 2005 - September 2005 - In A&E/admitted to a medical ward at least once a week, normally more often for ODs and/or stitches, crisis team spoke to me each time, told me I was ok because I was smiling. July 2005 - Referred to another CPN, had assessment, told me she would get back in touch after she had researched what they could offer me, never got in contact. September 2005 - Crisis team referred me to psychiatrist after I cried because I was sick (I actually didn't feel as mentally bad as normal, but was relieved at getting a referral). September 2005 - Saw psych, told me he would refer me to a psychologist for DBT with a view to start it within a couple of weeks. December 2005 - Psychologist cancels the appointment just as I am about to leave for it, then goes off sick so I can't get another one, but wouldn't refer me to another psychologist. January 2005 - January 2006 - Saw counsellor organised outside of NHS. January 2006 - Counsellors tells me I am not trying, 'i need to try harder and I am not getting better, despite constantly telling me for the whole year I was trying hard, I was getting some where, etc, so clearly she was lying. January 2006 - Went to the out of horus doc because my urine was thick brown sludge, told him I wanted to die (but really I was craving help), he asked me why I was at the doctors then, so I left. January 2006 - March 2006 - Found a terrific GP, but couldn't stay with her, had to move. February 2006 - Called crisis team because I was scared of what I would do and that I needed help, they told me they would refer me to see a psychologist in 8 weeks, but that was not good enough. I did go and do myself big damage. I stopped really seeking help at this point, and mostly gave up apart from off occassions. April 2006 - Told new GP eveything, he told me it was clear I needed a long term psychologist, but would only refer me to a counsellor for 6 sessions. April 2006 - Went to A&E (I had stopped bothering to go), they wanted to operate to save the tendon, so I panicked and left. Psych liaison nurse phoned me at home to arrange and appointment. I went to appointment, but she didn't turn up. She phoned me at home later that day to arrange another one. June 2006 - Had assessment for CAT, was supposed to go every week, but my delusions and psychosis kicked in and I couldn't leave the house or talk to anyone so he discharged me (fair enough in all honesty, didn't bother to try and help though). September 2006 - Sectioned, put on a six month section and released after 4 days because I smiled and didn't look depressed. October 2006 - Social Worker wanted to break patient confidentiality and talk to my parents (I'm a fully grown adult and there was no need), so as I did not trust her, I couldn't see her again, so for the next meeting, she sat otuside the house and watched the house even though I had cancelled the meeting. I tried to cope by myself for a year because I couldn't see anyway to access help that would help me. September 2007 - poured my heart out to my doctor, he phoned the triage psych team and they were supposed to call that day for an assessment and never did, nor the next day, they called the next day by which time my barriers were all up and I didn't want to know. He told me he would write to them to get them to write to me, but that was 6 weeks ago, and I've not heard anything. You knwo what? I'm so desperate for help, but it seems when I want help, they won't give it, but when I don't want help (such as when I was sectioned) they are all over me, very briefly, then are unhelpful again. What is it that makes me so unhelpable? That makes them not want to help me in anyway? Yet they seem to help anyone and everyone else? What did I do so wrong? So here I am, left by myself, wprking my way through my arm, with the aim to cut it off, with no hope of any help, or change, left to die. Go on, bash me now and tell me it's all my fault and they have tried and I didn't. It's what I deserve.