why try if everything isnt always going to be good?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by doveydovey, Feb 12, 2010.

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  1. doveydovey

    doveydovey Guest

    I'm currently just a 15 year old girl but I've through so much more in my life than many people older than me. I've seen and done many things and I have learned and matured quickly. Even though I was a accident my mom said, and she hated me and treated me like shit, wouldn't let me be with my dad. I still smiled every day and was real happy. Me and my mom were also poor, living on the streets pretty much and starving every day. I still smiled everyday, in fact I was incredibly happy, no one at my school would've guessed, I had many friends, I'd cover up my bruises with makeup my friends gave me. I did much charity work and I loved helping people even though everything sucked for me and I wasn't receiving help for my struggle. I remember I'd cry my eyes out every night alone but I believed if I kept being so good and happy, it would all pay off. And it did.

    I met this boy, first boy I'd fell in love with, first boy I'd hold hands with and kiss, and give my virginity too. He was 18 and I was 14 though, but I loved him, he was the first and only person who I told my problems too. He took me into his home and I lived happily ever after there for a year almost. His parents took care of me. But soon summer was over and the school year was starting up for us both again and it was stressful. I ran out of time then to put on my makeup and do my hair and pick out good outfits, I was more focused on my work. I didn't think that he cared that I was not getting all pretty as I usually did, but I was wrong. Next thing I know he TEXTED me a breakup text message, saying I just wasn't pretty enough and he just didn't want to be seen with me anymore, and he kicked me out of his home too. I had gotten a job and I had bought us a laptop to share, and he kept it, fucking jerk.

    Took me forever to get in contact with my dad so I'd have somewhere to live. But I now live with my dad, who is great, but it still just hurts what that boy did to me, I loved him and trusted him, I thought he cared. But he didn't, and all because I just wasn't pretty enough!? I gave him my virginity and I worked so hard to get that laptop for us, and he keeps it to himself. AND after I bought him the laptop, he started going online and flirting with other girls. I'm so hurt and I just want to go die. How could I ever go love another boy? I just couldn't, I hate looking at other boys, I just see them as scumbags. I feel so dirty to, I've lost my virginity to such a evil person. I'm so fucking hurt. I've lost many of my friends, I've been incredibly violent lately and no one wants to talk to me anymore. I don't smile anymore or help people. I don't feel right anymore, that boy really destroyed my heart. I want to be dead.

    so like I said, why should I keep trying to be happy and help others and keep living if its never going to end good and just end up sucking? im going to die one day anyway
     
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I used to be good for everyone and it did not work. Now, I live life as what I think is right, I chart my own course, and I set my boundaries. It takes time to learn this.

    I learned it by going to therapy. You did good for yourself (very important) by posting here. You are on a new journey now and the future is yours, whether it be good or bad. Focus on the good stuff and it'll help defeat the bad stuff.
     
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    If everything in life was good then it wouldnt make things any better. Life would become boring and uneventful. Lots of bad certainly isnt good for a person. But a few things once in a while gives us reason to fight. There has to be bad so that we can appreciate the good things in life. Just like there has to be good so we have a reason to want to fight through the bad.

    I'm glad you found SF. You'll find good people here that have or are suffering with a lot of the same things you are right now. Keep posting. Just getting it out and knowing someone else out there has read and knows what you are dealing with makes a big difference.

    First loves are the hardest to lose. Because they are usually the first person we really allow ourselves to trust. The first person we feel "comfortable" around. How and what he did is horrible. But that doesnt make every other guy out there like that. It takes time to get over a loss and that kind of hurt. So please give yourself that. Take care of you first, then when you're healthy again, you can worry about others. You are with your Dad so you have something stable right now. Maybe consider joining a support group for young people. It iwll give you a chance to start healing and a great chance to meet other people your age that if you chose to be friends with, they will really understand you.

    You should consider talking to your doctor too. Tell him about how violent your mood is and how much your own thoughts have changed lately, how your attitude about being caring is dwindling away. He might be able to help you with that.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 12, 2010
  4. doveydovey

    doveydovey Guest

    Yeah, I really don't want to kill myself, I'm so young and all but, he just really stomped on my heart, I cried nonstop for days I mean, that just hurt so bad. I wasn't pretty enough anymore? And then he kicked me back out onto the streets and he was just such a monster. It really hurts and I'm constantly seeing things that remind me of him. Like I'll be having a good day, nothing can bother me and then bam, I see or hear something that reminds me of him and it just kills me.

    I'm also very angry because I've become so mean and just not nice anymore, I've been so mean to people which is a first, I just feel so bitter and angry, I don't feel its right what he did and he's just totally getting away with it. His parents didn't care at all. They're also a very rich family and it makes me angry that they kick me back onto the streets and don't even give me some food or money to help me out a little? And I myself earned a lot of money doing odd jobs and a lot of that money went into that laptop because I wanted one for us, I worked really hard for that money, and he goes and fucking flirts with other girls on it, which probably made him feel I was less pretty. And he has the nerve to not talk to me anymore, I haven't talked to him in weeks, he knows I have problems and I need help and he just doesn't care, it hurts so bad, I had so much love and care for him and he just dumps me back on the streets and hes just like whatever, its like, how can you do that me? I was just a 14 year old girl and I was so nice to him, I admit though, I kind of did let him step all over me, but I just wanted him happy, I thought he appreciated it.

    But I'm gonna try and do some yoga I was thinking and exercising more and maybe goto some doctor or youth group, it's terrible having to feel this way everyday.
     
    Last edited: Feb 13, 2010
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Yes it is terrible hun. I know the feeling all to well. But you need to realize that you are pretty. I know I'm not terribly pretty on the outside. Some people say I am but I dont see it. But I know I'm knock out beautiful on the inside. And that counts in life a lot more than how the outside looks or feels. And you sound like you're a knock out both in and out.

    I'm glad that you have decided to keep going. Do somethings for you like the yoga. And yes please see the doc. But maybe while you're still feeling so hurt you might want to try some "revenge". If he has a Facebook account, why not post something like " so glad to see that you are still using the laptop that I put so much time and money into. You remember dont you? The one you're using right now after you threw me out on the streets, to flirt with all the girls here that have to be pretty to your standards. Well..... good luck." Sounds to me he saw you as "weak" someone that would follow his lead. Well show him you're not and do stand up for yourself.

    Who knows, you might even save another poor girl the same heartbreak you are trying to deal with now. And it's a way to close that chapter of the book and move onto a whole new exciting chapter.

    Good luck and please know you always have here to post about the hurts and the happies that you find on your path. :arms:
     
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