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Why Try? I'm Only Getting Worse.

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After a month hiatus I have began cutting again. This time though it has come back stronger though. Every time I cut its like there is never enough blood...I just want to keep on going. Before I would only cut for a maximum of 30 minutes but now I'm going for 1-2 hours. My cuts are also much worse. It takes hours after the cut to stop bleeding. To get insight, the cut on my thigh filled 4 gauze pads which I have never done before. The only reason I stopped is because I began to black out.

I'm just so disgusted with myself really. I might be considered smart and what not but I'm starting not to care. Everything else is missing from me. I am told to have no personality, I can't keep even one friend, I'm weak and can't stand up for myself, I have anxiety problems and can't regulate emotions, and I just generally find myself disgusting. I can't even look in the mirror.

Lately I've just wanted to die. I just see no point. My life is now run by rituals in OCD and Self-Injury and they really conflict and it feels like torture. Like if I miss a day of self-injury I'm not allowed to eat that day and I have to double the cutting for a week. My OCD rituals conflict in the way that I'm constantly worried about infection and how clean the cuts are. My self-injury tells me not to clean them though so I can keep the blood, however disgusting that may sound and my OCD has to at least keep the blood clean so I go to long extents to try to keep the blood clean. It might not sound that bad but it is bothersome.

My OCD is another problem. I'm becoming more and more paranoid. I can't let anyone touch me and it makes being around people a problem. I clean my hand I'd had to say at least 20 times a day based on how often I get up. Touch the doorknob? Clean. Touch someone else's paper? Clean. Someone comes into my room? Wash everything. It's just torture. It's hard for me to clean the house because I'm scared of all the germs.

Flashbacks are another problem but they are too painful to talk about at the moment.

I'm also just so tired of being alone. I see people around laughing and easily making friends and I've been completely alone for years. The only people I have are the ones I've imagined in my head and even they don't talk to me anymore. My emotions hurt their well being so yeah they are a mess right now. I have 17 in my head at the moment. I've actually accidentally killed one before in my depression but they are a much longer story.

I just don't see the point of continuing like this. Is there anything I can do? And is it truly wrong to kill myself if I'm just a waste?

I know it’s a long read but I appreciate it if you do.


Staff Alumni
Aloha, Lone_Wolf,

I can relate with starting to not care. I wish I could relate more, but I can't. However, I am glad to have come across this thread and given this a thorough read. :hug: It is nice to see you again. I remember you....Alex


Well-Known Member
Aloha, Lone_Wolf,

I can relate with starting to not care. I wish I could relate more, but I can't. However, I am glad to have come across this thread and given this a thorough read. :hug: It is nice to see you again. I remember you....Alex
It's nice to see you again too and thank you for reading it. I just feel like why do I care what they think you know? Most people think I'm invisible and I just feel like I'm going to die anyways or get hospitalized. I'm scared of hospitals because then my family will know. I'm scared of really talking about my emotions so I can't handle that and therapists too. I just feel they don't really care they are just paid too. I rather die than get help at this point. I know I would be viewed as a freak if I was hospitalized.


Well-Known Member
hey lone wolf, i can relate a bit to wat ur saying.

i have massive problems with talking to therapists about how i feel etc. I was with a couple for a while, but we ended up just calling it off because i wasn't really saying much and nothing was really progressing an awful lot.

I also have problem with making friends. From what my mother has said to my therapist, ive always have had problems with making them. Im a very quiet person so most people dont really want to be around me. and i guess i probly give off a bit of a nonsocial aura. the whole making friends thing depresses me so i try not to think of it.

the section where u described the anxiety/the hating the looks/emotions and intelligence, i can totally relate to. mine stems from no self esteem and shit confidence. i have sexuality problems and they obviously dont help the situation...ive had(and still do to a degree) bad acne/scarring so it makes me sad wen i look in the mirror...

i dont really plan on living mast 18(so a couple more years). now most of wat im saying is completely pointless, but try and find something to live for. well thats wat most people seem to say. if u find anything else out, give me a heads up :|
I can relate to almost every word you said. I have OCD also, and at one point washed pretty much every moment of the day. My hands were so chapped and bleeding that it made me wash more to clean the cuts, even though I knew they wouldn't heal if I kept washing.
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