So it's been summer for a month and I'm not going to say I don't like the time off, because I do. The only thing I've been thinking about is life in general and how it all sucks but yeah, you know that story.... So I stay in my room because I don't like the people I live with and the world bores me, so I've been on the computer which is driving me mad. I had to go to the doctor the other day to get my ear checked for an infection because if felt like it and my mom asked me if there was anything else I should consult my doctor with other than my ear infection. Me never telling my mother about my grand scheme to kill myself or anything of the sort said "yeah, I've been feeling down lately." She said I should speak to him about it. I said sure, whatever. So I got there and I've had this doctor since the day I was born asked if there was anything else I would like to talk about before the appointment was over. I looked at him dead-faced and motionless for about 30 seconds before I said "nope". I froze. I fucking froze. The only way for me to get help, and I blew it. I don't want to go back, it would be too much. My thoughts are running ramped with reasons to kill myself. Currently the cons of living outweigh the pros of living. Am I pessimist? Probably. Today I decided to tell the only person in the world I actually can talk to (my best friend) that I tried killing myself and I've been feeling suicidal for months now. His response: How selfish. And proceeded to tell me about how he would be devastated if I decided to die. I'm sitting there thinking "It's my fucking choice." So now the only place I have to talk is this forum witch provides little to no support for me at all. I can't really see myself returning to school next semester. Not with the way things have been going, no........
Hi Why...when we tell people something like that, I have found they are so taken aback, that sometimes, they do not say or do what we would have liked...this does not make them bad, but tells us just how difficult of a situation it is...many people do not ask for help the first few times they try, but please do not give up...I have found when I have something difficult to say, it is best to rehearse it with someone...please PM me if you want to go over what to say...my PM box is always open...gladl you are here and that you told us what is going on for you...big hugs, J
I guess you're right, but that was on Facebook and he was about to crash so he logged off a few minutes afterwards. It was just crazy to hear him say that, he's the closest person to me in my life....
Summertime can be a rough, reflective time. Having time off leads our minds to wander. When you are working or doing school work, it is not as easy to think about so many things. It is so funny, the two times I have contemplated suicide the most have been in the summer. Last summer in Italy, after seeing an ex who I was in one time so in love with (who I knew my whole life) and who now ignores me, I went for a little walk in the country and I came across a bridge. I really thought about jumping. It seemed like a peaceful way to do it as my body would hit the rocks and the water. I stared and seriously thought about it and imagined somebody in town finding me, but then I remembered how much I loved life. I remembered all the good feelings from the times I was happy and how it is sadness and pain I am running away from not life, so why should I stop now and end everything now when everything can change tomorrow?? I know things might not seem so bright all the time, but trust me a terrible down can lead to good things. Life is up and down.
Also, you are lucky to have somebody to talk to even if that person is not always there. So many people on here have absolutely nobody the can talk to.
Things get hot in summer. The water's of emotion can start to boil over if you don't find a way to get the heat out. You say 'why try?', I would say you probably already know the answer to that. People won't ever know exactly what you are going through and even best friends won't be able to understand how to help but instead of fighting your emotions let yourself feel them. If you feel terrible then allowing yourself to feel that way is the first step to moving beyond it. If you keep your emotions locked up inside you and become afraid of yourself then the waters will boil over, and you will get burned. I try because I know I have the strength in me to survive no matter what confronts me, and if I am wrong then I will face the consequences. But once you start to worry about the judgement that others throw upon you, the worry never ends. But if nobody can see you for who you really are, and nobody can understand the potential that is asleep inside you, then why would you carry their judgment to weigh you down? Try to expand your territory beyond your room, if you don't like the people you live with then go somewhere away from them but don't carry their judgement with you. Find ways to express yourself while accepting your true feelings.
Thanks for the responses guys. Though I've been feeling this way about life since probably around last fall and attempted suicide in the Spring, Summer just gives me more time to think about our existence. I try to leave my room but nothing interests me enough to stay out. Socialize with others but no one is original and everyone is fake. (Yes including me, originality doesn't exist.) I've been so fucking bummed out lately. But I'm planning to talk to my friend later today as we share similar thoughts. I'm lucky to have at least someone to talk to even though we don't see eye to eye on the subject...
