i open my eyes wandering why i woke up if it is just to die some more each day. my mind is set and this time once all is set i wont miss my shot again. this time there wont be anyone to wonder why i am sleeping still... and by the time one wonders why i havent shown or given a sign of life it will be too late. from the moment i open my eyes i cant see the time the day ends so i can only find peace in sleep. is that life? all started years ago suffering from mental illness yet with some help i manage to keep on going then taken care of my dying husband then of a friend i continued with this chain at my ankle but now they are all going except my son who is 32 and my grand daughter who live abroad. we dont get in seeing or talking to each other if not to exchange information or the like, no real relationship to my despair. now i have loss my jog which was giing me a reason to get out of bed, so something in life but now am home looking for something to do, just not just sit and wait for hours to pass. you`ll think `well go get a job`nd get usefull but that ain that easy. i am schizofrene therefore not many people will give me a chance or tatke a chance at hiriing me. so i will end upj on social assistance and live from the little they give passing my days like this.. waking up wondering why wake up in the morning. i am sick of it all, that is no way of living raher put an end to it and soon, real soon. i`ve made a list for thing to go to, is left letters for who will find me and what to do with me and my belongings. to my son i dont know what to say,, a burden to him i have been so what can i tell him that will give him relief? beats me.. assure f my love when i am to commit sound rather silly so got to find a way to get trough him and smooth as much the impact of my death. i^d say help me God, reach out to me but at this point not much will help. i guess i need to get it off my chest today ... wont warn you either when moment comes so none will interfere with my actions. oh well.. a crisis is arriving so better lay down not to hurt myself.. am also epileptic f...ck life!