why waking up if its to die just some more

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Caos, Mar 27, 2012.

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  1. Caos

    Caos Active Member

    i open my eyes wandering why i woke up if it is just to die some more each day. my mind is set and this time once all is set i wont miss my shot again. this time there wont be anyone to wonder why i am sleeping still... and by the time one wonders why i havent shown or given a sign of life it will be too late.

    from the moment i open my eyes i cant see the time the day ends so i can only find peace in sleep. is that life? all started years ago suffering from mental illness yet with some help i manage to keep on going then taken care of my dying husband then of a friend i continued with this chain at my ankle but now they are all going except my son who is 32 and my grand daughter who live abroad. we dont get in seeing or talking to each other if not to exchange information or the like, no real relationship to my despair. now i have loss my jog which was giing me a reason to get out of bed, so something in life but now am home looking for something to do, just not just sit and wait for hours to pass.

    you`ll think `well go get a job`nd get usefull but that ain that easy. i am schizofrene therefore not many people will give me a chance or tatke a chance at hiriing me. so i will end upj on social assistance and live from the little they give passing my days like this.. waking up wondering why wake up in the morning. i am sick of it all, that is no way of living raher put an end to it and soon, real soon.

    i`ve made a list for thing to go to, is left letters for who will find me and what to do with me and my belongings. to my son i dont know what to say,, a burden to him i have been so what can i tell him that will give him relief? beats me.. assure f my love when i am to commit sound rather silly so got to find a way to get trough him and smooth as much the impact of my death.

    i^d say help me God, reach out to me but at this point not much will help. i guess i need to get it off my chest today ... wont warn you either when moment comes so none will interfere with my actions. oh well.. a crisis is arriving so better lay down not to hurt myself.. am also epileptic :( f...ck life!
     
  2. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    I have no words to support you...sorry...but please know that I just care...
     
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Marie, honey, .... am crying for you too honey..... life is so cruel, and when we're unwell with no support and resources.......I sure understand how it must be for you. You say at the end there you would say "help me God, reach out to me" - would you give Him a chance Marie? You don't think it would help, but would you still just think about giving Him one little chance - even if you don't think it will help? I know what I would do, if I were you ....... I would take myself to the nearest church and tell them how desperate you are and what you are thinking and ask them to show you the love of God......... you might think now that nothing will come of it, or say you haven't any faith etc.... that doesn't matter. Anything is better than the only other alternative you're thinking of..... there are Homes Of Compassion who can help you, please don't be put off by thinking they are too "holy" - because they are bound by what they believe to reach out, in God's name, to wounded and hurting people. Please consider giving it a try Marie, you owe it to yourself to try all you can. Prayers and hugs,
     
  4. Caos

    Caos Active Member

    I know hun, and thank you. Perhaps its just my call to go back at his side and be happy again. A year, 9 months and 5 days is a life time.
     
  5. Caos

    Caos Active Member

    chrches are ketp locked outside time for meeting and pray cant even go there to pray myself if not on sunday meetings. even to God they put and set times for dedication and prayers. dont know if i will resist that long. yeah, tomorrow i will call the priest of the area and see if he can have a chat with me at least. am no religious but do have faith so worth a try as you put it. thanks again for being supportive, both of you. blessings
     
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    That is awesome to hear this Marie - thank you so much for this..... You do not need to be religious to ask to talk to a Priest or a Nun - they should have training in how to talk to needy and desperate people. The Gospel message they all believe in, is the heart of God reaching out to those who are "poor in spirit"

    If they do decline to meet with you, or "fob you off" etc. - they are not doing what they are meant to do, simple as that. I can see you do have faith, and that is different (and better!) than being religious. You believe that there is a higher power, and you are daring to believe he/she/it might just be FOR you and on your side, in what you are facing.

    Can you send me a PM, I'd like to know how many dollars it would cost to start you on a supply of your meds.......

    Last night I got given an article all about suffering, from a Catholic tuition group I'm attending - it is so awesome, and makes so much sense (IF any sense can be made out of our suffering, it surely can - we need to bring faith into it somewhere along the line). When I have more time (tomorrow) I will write about it - I have no more time today. God bless, guide and keep you, blessings and strength and all good thoughts to you Marie.
     
  7. Caos

    Caos Active Member

    back to zero... church was locked as expected and the office where they do their work i was told by the nun that nothing ca be dne today, and to take an apt for next week if i want to talk to a priest. so much for help... but here they do not havve the vocation its a job nothing else. so off i am to pray along in my room and pray that HE does hear me out and open a path to follow. :(
     
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Just sent you a PM Marie, and will try again today to write some more from that article I mentioned yesterday..... have a cold & sore throat, so forgive me if I'm a little late with it....... Blessings and strength to you honey.
     
  9. Caos

    Caos Active Member

    fat chance, i called back and the nun ( over 90 yo) tell me he wont be in here in town but another one for the holiday ad if i need to talk to him i must go there, which i cant so nothing can be done as chattig with him till Easter is over which means two weeks time. when bad luck starts following you all falls apart.

    no problem about the story you want to share, i will still be here tomorrow. blessings and be well

    marie
     
  10. Caos

    Caos Active Member

    does it make sense to anyone the feeling to want to run away from our own body feeling? :( i cant stand this skin.. want to run away from myself with no aim,, just call it quit and leave
     
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