Why was I even born?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ReluctantHero, Oct 14, 2014.

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  1. ReluctantHero

    ReluctantHero New Member

    There's a story my mother likes to tell me from time to time. When she was pregnant (I'm not sure how far along), she went to the doctor with my dad for a routine checkup. When the doctor checked the baby (me) for activity, it didn't show any. The doctor told my mother she would have to get rid of the baby. My father said, "Wait doctor, try it again." The doctor once again checked for activity and to his amazement, the baby was indeed alive. I know now that my dad had inadvertently saved my life that day. But why?

    I'm 20 years old now and I'm not that close with my dad. I still see him, but I never know what to really say to him. You see, my dad has A LOT of children. I know some of my half brothers and sisters (we haven't talked in years) but he probably has many more. Most recently he had a baby with some woman in his church (possibly two...) which is still weird for me to process, as he just turned 60 a couple weeks ago. He and my mom were never married and they aren't together now, but they still have a weird relationship that pits me in between them.

    To cut to the chase, I suffer from depression. This depression didn't really kick off till high school. I was (and still am) socially awkward, meaning it's hard for me to socialize with people. I wasn't always like that. When I was younger I had many friends here and there and played around with them quite often. Over time, we/they grew up and I was left alone. I became really shy and stopped talking like I used to. It was hard for me to make/keep new friends. I didn't go to things like football games or dances, hell I didn't even go to the prom. After a while, I just stopped trying. I accepted that I would never be with a girl, or have kids. I accepted the fact that I would always be alone for the rest of my life. A couple months before graduation, I almost tried to <mod edit method> to kill myself. I mean I was right there. <mod edit method> I just came home that day and cried. I told my mother and she cried as well. She has been very understanding but she usually tries to solve everything with religion, which is a problem for me because I am not religious at all.

    Since that day I've only gotten worse. I've had <mod edit method> (many times), but have <mod edit - relates to method>. I mean, I want to die but it's like I can't. It feels like I'm being forced to live this life that I never asked for. I've stopped caring about myself, hardly brushing my teeth, keeping my hair/facial hair groomed, and not watching my weight/health. Why am I here? I'm just a waste of life when there's people out there dying that actually deserve to live.

    *Sigh*, there's more to me than that but just thought I'd get some of that off my chest.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 14, 2014
  2. summertime421

    summertime421 New Member

    I'm sorry you're going through a rough time :/ I hope things get better for you.
    I'm just going to tell you what I think. This is just my opinion and you don't have to agree with it :)
    Just a friendly reminder that this is your life and you can do whatever the hell you want to do with it. Although killing yourself is not the answer. Just because people are your family doesn't mean they have to be in your life. If you don't want them in your life, then it's your life. It is up to you to decide who is making your life better and who is making it worse. You are not obliged to keep in contact with people who make your life worse. You're only 20 years old. I hate that people think that when they get into their twenties, they have to have their entire life figured out. That is so not true. Everyone is here for a reason. You just haven't figured it out yet. You're only 20! Those things take time. You're going to find an amazing girl who loves the crap out of you, and even loves your flaws. Don't think you aren't going to find anyone. There is someone for everyone. But you can't just expect it to all of a sudden hit you like a truck, you have to put in some effort to find her.
    I don't know if I've helped at all. I know most people would tell you to see a counselor and stuff like that. Although you should definitely do those things, I just wanted to tell you what I thought about your situation. I really hope you feel better and that you find what you're looking for. <3 - SL
  3. ReluctantHero

    ReluctantHero New Member

    Thank you for the kind and thought out reply. I know I'm only 20, but there's always this hopeless feeling that overcomes me. It's like, I have dreams and ambitions, but there's a voice in my head that says "You can't do this" or a number of other negative things. I know I shouldn't beat myself down but somehow I don't have any control over it. It's very frustrating because it's like I know what I want to do, what I have to do, but I'm stopping myself. I fear death is becoming the only way to bring order to this disaster of a mind. I don't like thinking these thoughts. I've been able to keep them at bay but I fear I'm close to slipping...
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