There's a story my mother likes to tell me from time to time. When she was pregnant (I'm not sure how far along), she went to the doctor with my dad for a routine checkup. When the doctor checked the baby (me) for activity, it didn't show any. The doctor told my mother she would have to get rid of the baby. My father said, "Wait doctor, try it again." The doctor once again checked for activity and to his amazement, the baby was indeed alive. I know now that my dad had inadvertently saved my life that day. But why? I'm 20 years old now and I'm not that close with my dad. I still see him, but I never know what to really say to him. You see, my dad has A LOT of children. I know some of my half brothers and sisters (we haven't talked in years) but he probably has many more. Most recently he had a baby with some woman in his church (possibly two...) which is still weird for me to process, as he just turned 60 a couple weeks ago. He and my mom were never married and they aren't together now, but they still have a weird relationship that pits me in between them. To cut to the chase, I suffer from depression. This depression didn't really kick off till high school. I was (and still am) socially awkward, meaning it's hard for me to socialize with people. I wasn't always like that. When I was younger I had many friends here and there and played around with them quite often. Over time, we/they grew up and I was left alone. I became really shy and stopped talking like I used to. It was hard for me to make/keep new friends. I didn't go to things like football games or dances, hell I didn't even go to the prom. After a while, I just stopped trying. I accepted that I would never be with a girl, or have kids. I accepted the fact that I would always be alone for the rest of my life. A couple months before graduation, I almost tried to <mod edit method> to kill myself. I mean I was right there. <mod edit method> I just came home that day and cried. I told my mother and she cried as well. She has been very understanding but she usually tries to solve everything with religion, which is a problem for me because I am not religious at all. Since that day I've only gotten worse. I've had <mod edit method> (many times), but have <mod edit - relates to method>. I mean, I want to die but it's like I can't. It feels like I'm being forced to live this life that I never asked for. I've stopped caring about myself, hardly brushing my teeth, keeping my hair/facial hair groomed, and not watching my weight/health. Why am I here? I'm just a waste of life when there's people out there dying that actually deserve to live. *Sigh*, there's more to me than that but just thought I'd get some of that off my chest.