Why was I ever born?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by TheBLA, Oct 2, 2007.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    Just some rambling crap I wanted to post before I go and eat.

    It would've been a lot better if I was just never born. Or since I was born premature and very weak, that I just should have died right there. But no, I had to be fucking saved. Now I'm going to suffer for the rest of my life. It looks like I probably won't commit suicide, I don't have any plans or anything, but I think about it so much but I'm too cowardly to do it , but I'd be a coward if I killed myself too.

    I've been here so long on these forums and haven't done anything, haven't opened up, haven't made any friends here, haven't helped anyone here, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and thats the exact same as with my damned life. I don't fit on these forums or anywhere in life.

    I don't know what to do, I feel so scared. I am so trapped. Our fucking stupid Indian culture doesn't talk about depression, your not supposed to be depressed, the concept of suicide and depression is totally foreign to us. I'm the black sheep of the family, a total freak, a loser. My parents waste all their time with me and nothing is accomplished when they should focus on my 17 year old brother who actually has a chance to become successful and is way better than me. At least he's not depressed and talks about suicidal and wastes his parents time and energy. And I'm 20 but still feel like a child, haven't matured, I know I may talk and sound mature but inside I'm not, I just can't believe I'm 20. There's no way I could survive in the real world right now.

    First of all, I wasn't raised totally properly and its my fault as well, I don't want to talk to people online or off, make relationships, don't want to do anything. Only I have the power to change my life and make it better but I just want to die, why do I have to fight, I just never should have been born, is this some punishment I did for my last life? I have so many things against me, I am way behind my other peers but I still have to fight for this damn life? I have to eventually try to make friends and act like a normal human being? Maybe if I never will kill myself, I hope God can please kill me quickly and painlessly and soon, please.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 2, 2007
  2. Rukia

    Rukia Well-Known Member

  3. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    This thread was gonna sink to obscurity so why don't I just bump it up and see what happens? I am very alone, I have no support, nobody understands me nor never will, I can't open up and speak out for help, don't even know if its worth it, I'm just whining like a little bitch right now, just great. I don't have any plans or anything concrete but really feel that I will do it eventually, I have to, I can't imagine living any longer like I am now and I can't change (and you'll all ask why I can't change, I can't answer that right now), damn I'm so obscure and so how can I be helped if I can't even give the crucial details and info to those that can help me?

    I don't want to get very depressed and then get a bit better, I want to keep getting more depressed until I can just kill myself without any fear, without any hesitation. My life isn't going to get any better, nobody likes me, I should have died anyways when I was born, why do I have to life if its going to be an absolutely shitty life anyways?
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 3, 2007
  4. nicesinging1

    nicesinging1 Well-Known Member

    Hi, Rahul. I understand what u r feeling and going through. I thought my life would be where I envisioned at 25 but I am still struggling. I just want a life that is manageable, bearable, happy, fun and a life that I can handle on my own. I don't care about money or fame.
    It is frustrating beyond belief I am still struggling at 25 like this. I wonder when my life will finally turn around. And I hope it is soon because there is a limit on my patience, efforts, strength.
    Whatever the reason may be for all this ordeal to have happened in my life, I hope it happened for greater purpose in my life. I want to be a good person, hard-working person, successful person and give everything I got to reach my dreams day in day out. I hope some day, hopefully soon, all these pains, miseries will turn into happiness, enjoyment, strength, beauty of life.
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    nk, you say you have been here on the forum and done nothing. Well, nothing does not get you a post count of over 2,000. I know you will say that most of those are in the coffee house, and maybe that is so, but many of your posts there brought a smile to my face and in my heart. Not many things can do that. You may not have been able to open up and talk a lot about your depression and the reasons surrounding it, but you do ask for help and support. That is taking the first step. Not everyone works on the same time frame. Maybe yours just takes extra long. Thats okay. we are here for the duration. That is because you are that important to us. you are right when you say that only you can change things. But that does not mean you have to go it alone. When the time is right for you, you will allow someone in. Please take care nk. You are a wonderful person. i wish you were not so hard on yourself. :hug:
  6. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I think I've heard that at least a couple of times, me being too hard on myself, could you elaborate? And it scares the crap outta me that I'm the only one that can truly help and change myself, since I am so messed up, so far behind developmentally, why can't I just die instead of fighting all this way to catch up to everybody else?

    And then I'm my own enemy too since I can't open up. Why do I have to fight? If it wasn't for this forum, I'd think I was the only depressed/suicidal person in the world, at least in my offline world I am. Everybody else is nice and perfect (I know an exxageration but none are depressed/suicidal). I'm already a loser to my parents probably for thinking about suicide.

    I know its not chemical imbalance, its my life circumstances. I have nothing in my life, I have done nothing with my life. If only I died as a damn premature baby, I wouldn't have to suffer all this time, alone and neither would my parents for putting up with me. Just like if only the Iraq War never happened or 9/11. My birth was a tradegy.
  7. Henry-hmm

    Henry-hmm Member

    Hi, my name is Henry, I'm 17. I know a girl who's just like you. She's going to university this September. I know exactly what you are talking about, the Indian Culture thing, she's Indian and her family is completely messed up. All the men in her family are abusive to women, which made her parents divorce. Her parents give her hell for the stupidest things despite the fact that she is the most wonderful daughter anyone could ask for. She's been through hell in her childhood, she's watched several of her closest friends commit suicide and the rest of her friends betray her. She's been manipulated, abused and betrayed all through her life. Yet somehow she got through this hell and is starting to recover now. Just a few months ago she was like you, she was horribly depressed, lonely, and hopeless. Even now she's afraid of people touching her, she's afraid to open up and love again because of her shitty life. You know whats saving her? Her willingness to suffer through the pain and change the way she thinks about life. She's been struggling for so long all by herself with no one. She's been through so much alone, but she won't be alone anymore. I admire her and I can't seem to stop loving her.

    Struggle, resist, keep going, with every breathe in your body, don't give up. You will get through it, it's up to you, only you can change, you don't have to be alone but if you choose to, you can still do it. All it takes is some courage and patience. It's been done before, I've seen it, believe me, you can do it.

    Yes it's a scary thought that only you can change yourself, only you can decide what to do with your life, no one can change it for you, but they can certainly help, what people say to you, what they do for you, it will all be different but it's up to you to interpret them in a way that will help you change for the better.

    There's nothing wrong with you not opening up, you're afraid that if you open up people will judge you, mock you, and leave you. I won't tell you that your fears are unfounded but life is a risk, if you don't take a risk to open up it will be hard to help you. Find someone you really trust, a friend, a family member, a social worker, a teacher, a minister, someone who will listen to you, pick this person carefully however, you can pick more than one of course, it's your decision.

    I must completely disagree, no one is perfect. A lot of people are depressed, lonely and sad. People who are not in the severe stages of this can hide it rather well, I know because I was one of those people. My friend I was talking about, she's just like that, on the outside she seems perfect and happy, but I can tell that it's a lie, an act she puts up for others.

    You should go see a doctor about the chemical imbalance thing to make sure, if it really isn't than life circumstances can be changed, you can't change the past but you can change how you see it, you can't predict the future, but you can certainly build it's foundation in the present. Speaking of the Iraq War and 9/11, there's a lot of shit in this world, I know, I've seen it. I've lived in slums of third world countries and watched bullets tear through flesh, it's not a pleasant world. I'm not saying that your state is unjustified, I'm just informing you that the world is one painful and ugly place, you live in the U.S. if I'm not mistaken. The United States isn't perfect, but it sure as hell seems like it compared to most of the world, you have many opportunities here in the US, lots of ways to reach out and get the help you so sorely seek. Check your blue pages for organizations and help groups and what not.

    The choice is yours, take the first steps, the rest of the walk will feel a lot easier once you get going. I truly believe in the power of words, I hope I've atleast planted the seeds of doubt in your mind and hopefully those seeds will grow into strong beautiful trees.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 4, 2007
  8. TheBLA

    TheBLA Well-Known Member

    I just wanted to bump this up one more time, if nobody minds. Looks like all my threads get a few responses and then fall to obscurity. Crap, thats how crappy I am.
  9. Henry-hmm

    Henry-hmm Member

    Actually I check for responses to my more serious and lengthy posts such as this, I hope you took the time to read what I posted, hopefully you feel a little better.
  10. Dave303

    Dave303 Well-Known Member

    Dear friend do not worry, U are not a black sheep on your family. Of course we all feel this way one time or another. But they do care for U, I am certain of that! Are U seeing a professional to discuss these feelings U are having?
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