Just some rambling crap I wanted to post before I go and eat. It would've been a lot better if I was just never born. Or since I was born premature and very weak, that I just should have died right there. But no, I had to be fucking saved. Now I'm going to suffer for the rest of my life. It looks like I probably won't commit suicide, I don't have any plans or anything, but I think about it so much but I'm too cowardly to do it , but I'd be a coward if I killed myself too. I've been here so long on these forums and haven't done anything, haven't opened up, haven't made any friends here, haven't helped anyone here, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, and thats the exact same as with my damned life. I don't fit on these forums or anywhere in life. I don't know what to do, I feel so scared. I am so trapped. Our fucking stupid Indian culture doesn't talk about depression, your not supposed to be depressed, the concept of suicide and depression is totally foreign to us. I'm the black sheep of the family, a total freak, a loser. My parents waste all their time with me and nothing is accomplished when they should focus on my 17 year old brother who actually has a chance to become successful and is way better than me. At least he's not depressed and talks about suicidal and wastes his parents time and energy. And I'm 20 but still feel like a child, haven't matured, I know I may talk and sound mature but inside I'm not, I just can't believe I'm 20. There's no way I could survive in the real world right now. First of all, I wasn't raised totally properly and its my fault as well, I don't want to talk to people online or off, make relationships, don't want to do anything. Only I have the power to change my life and make it better but I just want to die, why do I have to fight, I just never should have been born, is this some punishment I did for my last life? I have so many things against me, I am way behind my other peers but I still have to fight for this damn life? I have to eventually try to make friends and act like a normal human being? Maybe if I never will kill myself, I hope God can please kill me quickly and painlessly and soon, please.