Why won't it just fucking end?!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Øyvind, Jan 10, 2012.

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  1. Øyvind

    Øyvind Senior Member

    You hear of people dying every day, right? So why doesn't it ever happen to me, when I want it so bad?!

    It's 2012! 2012!2012! Soon it'll be six years since I began at my school. I've been in this school just as long as a went to child school! Videregående is supposed to take 3 years! 4 tops! I've become what I feared I'd become when I first took the tour of the school. But back then I just shrugged it off. Now I've become this grown man in videregående. I started out as a boy, but now I'm a grown man of 21, an old creepy ugly guy. I've spent 1/3.5 of my life in this school! And I'm just a quiet guy, alone, not at all in touch with the world, And it doesn't feel as if I actually exist. I'm not here. I haven't existed in 6 years.
    That school is The Constant(along with this forum). I've been at that school since 2006(same time I became a member here.) I was 15 then. I can hardly remember it. I was a fricking kid. Yet I'm still at the same fucking school for people with "issues" that I was then. It connects me to the last time I was alive.

    Now I'm not alive. The days during the last 6 years have all looked the same. I get up, go to school, go home, watch TV/go on the internet, maybe work out at the gym. That's it. No social interactions with people. Nothing to mark that time is passing. And no way of actually explaining with words how the hell I'm feeling.

    And I never die. I just become older and older. I believe in an afterlife, but I'm no more in touch with it than I am with this world. I pray and wish and meditate on dying, I try to think of ways to kill myself, but there are no methods. And certainly no methods that won't look like it was suicide.

    No terminal illnesses. No cars running me over. No plane crashes. No lightning strikes.No madman on the streets randomly shooting or stabbing me. No terrorist attacks. Well, actually there was a terrorist attack, but I was nowhere near it.

    I'll never see that afterlife. I just become older. I just become more pathetic. I just become more isolated. I feel claustrophobic. That's what it feels like. I feel this way in my head, and there's no way out of it, it never ends, and no one knows I feel like this, and it is irrepairable, and it keeps getting worse for every second that I keep living.

    Yet I can't kill myself. How could I? There are no reliable methods, and if there were any, suicide would bring so much pain to my mother, who's already have to go through too much.
    The only thing I can do is to keep hoping and praying. And another year goes by, and another year, and it's been so many years since I last existed, since I last saw my personality, and everything is gone, People my age have jobs, are getting kids etc. And I'm still in videregående school. Still with no friends, and with less social skills than ever. Less in touch with the world than ever.
    And I can't sleep, because of the "claustrophobia", I keep thinking writing it here or on my blog will make it better. But it doesn't change things. Too much time has passed for me to become anything resembling a normal person ever again. I just want it to end, but that's not happening. Dying is impossible. The chances are 0%. I'm here until I'm an old man. Maybe untill I'm 30, or 40, or 70. It won't end now when it's been "only" 6 years. It could make up for it if I died now, I'm already too old, but It would stop it while I'm still young. I can't get any older. But I will. It never ends.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU are not too old 21 you are just starting out in life hun I am sorry you are struggling with school Is there anyway you can get a volunteer job at something that brings you joy working with animals people something that will replace the schooling if it only brings you sadness Your mother I am glad you have her hun as about a volunteer job okay hugs
     
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