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Why won't they leave me alone?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by Dedboy, Feb 22, 2018.

  1. Dedboy

    Dedboy Member

    I pretty much grew up on the street. I mean like homeless on the street. I had a home but no one ever wanted me around. It's been like that since I can remember. Growing up everyone always pushed me away. I've had a long lonely painful life. I learned many things on the street. like how to make money, how to avoid certain people, how to find stuff that I need, in fact everything I know I learned from the street. I've taken care of my self my whole life. I've never had family or friends in my corner. Now that I'm thousands of miles away, family wants me around. I really don't like being around my family, or talking to them on the phone. I don't even like texting them. I never really been around them. I never developed the bond that families have with each other. I have a brother and three sisters. I know nothing about them. I don't even remember what my parents look like. So why after all these years? I just want to be left alone. I don't understand why they want me around. They have all of these great memories with each other, what do they need me for? I just want to be forgotten. They know nothing about me, what I've been through, how I feel. Guess it's time to fade away. I'll have to delete everything. I just don't want to be found. I don't need them, and they lost me.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear this Dedboy
    I'm not sure I understand. Do you want to explain more?
  3. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    I don't talk to anyone in my family except a little to my mother. I feel no guilt about it even though they let our mother know they want me around. I ignore their messages for get togethers.

    If your stability and peace of mind are better without them, then I say be without them. Live so that you are happy.
    may71 and Dedboy like this.
  4. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    You're not obligated to have a relationship with anyone you don't want to. You don't have to call or text or whatever. Sometimes our friends make better families than blood.
    Dedboy likes this.
  5. Dedboy

    Dedboy Member

    I guess it's kinda like, growing up I had a lot of mental issues. My father used to literally beat me till he'd knock me out. I'm like 4-5 years old and he's punching the shit out of me. I'd miss alot of school because of the bruises and black eyes. This went on till I was around 10-11. Finally one nite he was kicking the shit out of my lil brother and sister. I was scared because I knew that I would be next. My dad started on my mom and at this point I was like fuk this. So, I called the cops. He got arrested. Long story short I got in trouble and ever since then my mom just never gave a fuk about me. I was officially kicked out on the street by the time I was 13. I'd go to school just for the food most days. Other days I was panhandling or stealing. Sleeping under bridges, in parks or alleys. It's been years since I've spoken to my family, they're strangers to me. I just don't understand why they are trying to contact me now.
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear this Dedboy. I blows my mind sometimes the kind of crap parents do to their kids. I don't know what kind of perversity and shamelessness allows an parent to beat children like that. Or for another parent to stand by and allow it to happen, or to assist.

    Do you want to tell the long story?
    Supernova likes this.
  7. gypsylee

    gypsylee SF Supporter

  8. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hi Dedboy, your pain is absolutley understandable. Your story is horrifying and like @gypsylee i have the utmost respect for you. Are you still on the street? Can you bring your story up to the here and now. Please keep talking on this site, everyone here will genuinely care, some will understand where you are coming from but everyone will send You love. Please stay strong and take care x
  9. Aprilflowers7

    Aprilflowers7 Well-Known Member

    I wish my family didn't talk to me at all. I'd much rather be homeless than around them. But they forced me on to disability instead of helping me and if I ran away I bet my mother would call all the news stations just so she can be famous and then I'd have to be around them again.
    gypsylee likes this.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Sorry you went through so much at such a young age, no one should have to go through that, I really hope you make the decision that is best for YOU. No one else, just you. You have my respect for getting to where you are today despite being through all you have been through, no one deserves that. If its too late for you to want to mak amends then don't :) Live for yourself, no one else :)
    Dedboy likes this.
  11. Dedboy

    Dedboy Member

    Things went shitty for a long while. I'm not homeless anymore but I still feel like I don't belong. I started making friends with bad people on the street. I got in to using and drinking. Anything I could get my hands on was fair game, even otc meds. I just wanted to forget everything. All I did was make bad memories tho. I trusted the wrong people, I hurt the people that really cared. I bounced around from friends to street for the next couple years. At this point I was strung out on dope. I was 16 years old 6'2" tall and 125 lbs. I was basically living out of a backpack in a park near the Phoenix public library. It wasn't too bad. the library had a/c, it opened early, and there was bathrooms and water fountains. Back then they even let us bring our shopping carts of belongings and bikes into the library. We had to leave them in this long hallway near the front entrance, but it was easier to keep an eye on your stuff. And plus I loved reading books and writing poems after a nice morning "fix" in the park. That was so many years ago and it feels like it was just yesterday. I'm married now, got a good job, a pet yorkie, big screen TV, my own truck. My wife has her car, I pay my taxes and shit. I've come along way from where I started. Alot has changed too. Except one thing. Ive never been able to shake my addiction. My wife has no idea how deep I am into it. She would probably leave me if she found out. We've been married 13 years now. This Valentine's day was our anniversary. She's an awesome person. I truly don't deserve her. She's been there for me through so much. I feel like I've betrayed her by keeping this secret.
  12. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hi Dedboy, you have been through such a lot but managed to almost come out the other side. I don’t believe folk need to deserve one another .. I’m not sure I like the word. Your wife is there because she loves you, cares for you and has stood by your side for 13 years. That is awesome. Have you tried talking to her? Tried to explain? Does she know about your past and the reasons why your addiction came about. Can you talk to your doctor? But please stay strong - you have come so incredibly far please don’t give up on yourself now xx
  13. Dedboy

    Dedboy Member

    She knows a lil. There's so much I can't tell her tho. Honestly, I just can't bring myself to tell her some of this stuff. It's too hard for me to get it out. I panic and have anxiety attacks. Can't talk to my Dr either. I can't go on living like this. I can't even sleep the whole night through because of my nightmares. I've gotta constantly take sleeping pills to get any sleep. When I'm awake I'm a wreck. I'm always seeing weird shit. I don't really know if some of it is real or not.
  14. Winter Blues

    Winter Blues SF Supporter

    Hi, I’m not sure where you live but could you go to a support group like AA here in the UK. They are totally confidential and the support you get from them are amazing. You need to be able to talk to someone and take help and support. Perhaps if you try to stop using and then talk to your wife, she will see that you have made the first positive steps. Please stay strong and safe xx
  15. MarkahMalady

    MarkahMalady Well-Known Member

    If your parents are getting old they might be thinking the should've, would've, could've kind of stuff about your relationship. When you get old you might do the same thing regarding the potential relationships you could have had with them. If that's enough to motivate your curiosity; then you could consider it, but it sounds to me like their neglect may have permanently damaged your relationship. If that's true than you shouldn't feel bad about your choice to continue to keep them out of your life. Nobody gets endless chances, not even parents.
    Dedboy and Winter Blues like this.
  16. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Is the reason also because of anxiety and panic attacks? Maybe you could try writing it down, or sending your doctor an email.

    Acupuncture might help both with the sleep problems and opiate addiction.

    I can give you some more information about finding treatment, including low-cost but still high-quality acupuncture.
  17. Dedboy

    Dedboy Member

    I've been through court ordered drugs classes before, bad place to go. It's way too easy to get my poison there. I been using so long, I don't think stopping is an option.
  18. Dedboy

    Dedboy Member

    Yes the reason is because of my panic attacks. Just thinking about my past experiences sends me into hell. I've kept my post very pg13 with what lil I've shared with you guys. Ive only told you guys the not so bad stuff so far. About as much as my wife knows. Except the addiction part. Does acupuncture really work?
  19. Dedboy

    Dedboy Member

    True. That could be the reason. But I've never been good enough to be in they're presence. I ruined they're lives by being born. I hate myself.
  20. Gonz

    Gonz Well-Known Member

    Fixed that for you.