Why won't this get easy?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by amroth, Oct 31, 2007.

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  1. amroth

    amroth Active Member

    It's been about 4 months now since my girlfriend Stacy was murdered and passed away on July 4th. I have always been somewhat on the edge and since this...idk. I'll come here when I feel like I'm just not going to make it and...idk. It's not getting any better, some days it'll seem like I'm getting better so I try to stay away from here to not trigger myself but those thoughts just keep coming back and overwhelming me.

    Yea I have been under a lot of stress with transfering colleges soon and maybe getting into an "ivy league" so you would think I would be able to keep myself busy and I would be happy of what I'm trying to accomplish. It doesn't work... I can't sit there and say to myself..."look what I'm doing I deserve to live and I have a lot to live for." Instead I think...I have so many years without her and I'm just truly miserable everyday. Another close friend of mine who she has been helping me the most through everything....has been missing for a bit. =( So if anything happened to her...and she helped me so much I just feel like i'm a black hole and everyone around me who I love and care about gets hurt. My aunt ended up having a heart attack the other day also =(

    Still I just can't think of anything in the future without Stacy. I can't imagine it and I keep trying telling myself I know that's NOT what she wants but...it's just not working. And I can't go and get real professional help because if I do i'll have to be admitted somewhere for a bit and then all my work in college will be for nothing because I won't be able to go anywhere. And if that happens I know for a fact I'll just end it asap. It's like I'm in a lose, lose situation. I have no hope right now at all. I can't think positive but I can put on a wonderful act of it in classes like in my religions in the world class I'm seen as the most "spiritual" one in there and someone who has a great grasp on humanity. Which lasts for a bit until i'm overwhelmed with sadness and hopelessness again. I honest to God HATE knowing so much about "humanity" because it seems I know every answer to every feeling and question I have, but I can't follow my own thoughts and advice. It's like if you know 2 + 2 is 4...you know it for a fact but for some reason you put 5 down every single time you think about it and no matter what you CAN"T say the answer is 4, but you know it is.

    I'm falling apart...I'm actually going to be 20 in a few days and that's going to be a birthday without her. =( I can't see myself going on much longer...I just can't. I KNOW suicide is a selfish thing and I KNOW that she would never want that...and that's what makes this so hard I KNOW it but....I don't "know" it....=( =( =( I honestly pray to God each and every night for him to just take me in my sleep...and of course it never happens....=(
     
  2. been there

    been there Member

    I'm very sorry to hear about your girlfriend.I can't imagine how hard it must be to lose someone in that way.Fisrt of all,it hasn't been very long since it happened.Right now you need to go through the process of grieving and that takes time.Take one day at a time and let yourself heal.It will get easier,I promise.Please keep trying.
     
  3. amroth

    amroth Active Member

    I'm trying...it's just so hard and I don't know if I am going to make it through. I need her =(
     
  4. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Sorry for your loss. Isn't there a way to get hold or news of that missing friend? Relative or a common friend?
     
  5. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    :hug: I am so sorry to read about your pain. I can somewhat understand your feelings, someone close to me passed away last year. You need to give yourself time to grieve. You, nor anyone else, can expect you to move on from this tragedy and carry on leading a normal life so soon after Stacy's death.

    There is no set time period of how long it'll take for things to start getting back to "normality", we all grieve in different ways, it takes longer for some than others. The fact that she was murdered probably makes this even more horrific for you. Your love for Stacy is glowing in your post and that love will never leave you. Stacy will never leave you, she is still part of your heart and she is still a part of your memories and they can never be taken away.

    It may help if you spoke about Stacy, best to do so in person but writing/typing things out can help too. The type of person that she was and your fond memories of her. When my step-mum passed away I wrote a poem dedicated to her and that did help, perhaps something like that will help you too. Maybe visiting Stacy's grave (if she was buried), or doing something you know she would be proud of you for doing.

    Something else too... a lot beauty on this Earth reminds me of my step-mum, in particular, at night I look up into the sky and the brightest star in the sky is my step-mum, Rainbows, singing birds etc.. Any good news that comes my way is a message from her.

    I really don't mean to seem like I'm turning this post to 'about me', that's not my intention at all, I want to give my personal thoughts and experiences as a way to try and help you.

    Seeking professional help doesn't mean you will be put into hospital, you'll most likely be put in contact with some sort of therapist/counsellor and perhaps you will be offered medication to help you through this rough time. There are services out there that are solely to do with bereavement. I don't know where you're from but here in the UK there's an organisation called Cruse, they can help you. There's also crisis lines that are confidential such as The Samaritans. You can phone them up or e-mail or write a letter to them.

    I know I have mentioned things going back to 'normal' a few times in this post and I don't mean you will forget about Stacy. What I mean is life will become more manageable for you.

    I hope your friend and your aunt are both ok, take care of yourself and remember we're here anytime. If you want a chat about anything you are more than welcome to PM me. :hug:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 1, 2007
  6. amroth

    amroth Active Member

    Thanks its just that everyday now before I go to sleep I just pray to die in my sleep. I just really don't want to be here without her =( If anyone was going to die young it was going to be me with my medical condition that I have been battling for years. Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. I want to smile...but I can't I just keep waking up everyday wishing I wouldn't wake up =(

    By the way I did write a poem dedicated to Stacy and her and me...I'll post it here and might be easier to see what i'm feeling.

    Monsindra’s Balled

    Oh things have changed…
    You hold my heart in a blissful utopia, guarding it from those who seek to destroy…
    Me…
    Oh why have you gone?
    Taken from me in a moment’s breath.
    All that I love and adore…
    All gone from this mortal plane.

    Your lips entwined with mine…oh it is so divine.
    I will hold you as the levee breaks, and it engulfs this world into a watery plane.
    Our rings forever warn for our love is eternal.
    Beyond the twilight of the moonlight we rest.
    Each star is yours, each star is mine.
    The planets may align only once in a lifetime.
    For us, those plants are always aligned.
    Aligned in our undying love that will break through barriers.
    It shall break through walls.
    Oh, it shall break through dimensions!
    For nothing of this world can keep us apart.
    Nothing that may come to being in this world will ever keep us apart.
    If I were given a choice,
    To live for five minutes with you, but then I shall be cast into the depths hell for eternity,
    Or to never be with you but to be given a seat at God’s right hand…
    The choice is simple; I will find a way,
    I will go to any lengths, to ensure that we are eternally in each other’s arms as lovers.

    For much has been taken from us…
    On this earth we shall never start our family that we’ve dreamed of…
    We shall never walk the aisle and wed as lovers in the eyes of God…on this earth...
    We shall never hold each other…hold hand in hand…on this earth…
    All our dreams, have been unjustly shot down.
    This evil has tainted our spirits, and that…may never heal.
    But our love will prevail, as you are waiting for me at the pearl white gates.
    Waiting to walk hand in hand as lovers,
    I shall be there soon…
    Why must all that is good, be damaged by evil.
    The one love in my life…is gone from this earth.
    But alive in my spirit, I can feel her…
    Watching over me…protecting me.

    Oh how I want to feel your soft touch…
    Gaze into your eyes of grace…
    Be together…inside you…

    My life was in turmoil…
    Then came my love…
    My sweet Stacy…
    My world…
    You gave me life,
    When all I knew was death…
    You exorcised the demons from my mind.
    My Angel…

    Step by step…we walk,
    Our hands together…
    Thoughts and feelings of love
    Love that can never die…
    No one of this world can ever understand me…
    My thoughts…
    My mind…
    But you are not of this world…
    You are my world…and everything in it.
    Oh please come back to me!

    Please let this all be a nightmare spawn from hell,
    Please let this not be true…
    Oh punish me instead…for I have done wrongs.
    She is a being of pure bliss.
    Take my soul instead…
    Take my soul to the darkest depths of Hades,
    In exchange for her…to have her life back.

    My sweet Stacy…
    I would give anything for you.
    My heart and soul belong to you…
    No one else…
    No mortal,
    No demon,
    No martyr,
    No satyr,
    No devil,
    No angel,
    No supreme being,
    No God…
    My heart and soul…belong to you.

    May the ones who have committed this act be damned,
    May those be judged…
    May justice be sought…
    But these are not of my control.
    This is in your control,
    And I know you will forgive.
    But never forget.
    You have the heart of a saint.

    The cancer in my soul…eats me alive.
    The sickness of my body…has brought misery to those I love.
    It has brought misery to me…
    Each day I try to heal, with you by my side.
    Oh Stacy…
    The reason I have continued and have not given up hope…
    Oh how can you be taken from me…
    But, our love…can never be taken.

    Where to go from here…
    What shall I do next?
    Sickening thoughts fill my mind…
    For you shall want me to live on…
    And I… do not want you waiting at those gates for long…
    So dazed and confused…I must…try to live on.
    Live on for me…
    Live on for you…
    For your life has been taken from us…
    You can share mine.

    Together as one being on this earth…imagine what we’ll accomplish.
    Imagine the heights we shall reach.
    For I know you will cure me…
    I know you are with me…
    Your ashes have been thrown into the wind to find me…
    And you have…

    Oh how I wish we could have accomplished your dream…
    Just as you said…
    In a house of bliss, pregnant with my child…
    Oh Stacy…so much has been taken from us…
    My soul in such turmoil…
    That I know shall never heal,
    Until I walk through those gates with you…
    In time…

    What have I become…
    An instrument of grief?
    A patient for torment and sorrow?
    What more can be taken from me…
    Oh, my darkest fear…has come to past
    Why am I still here?
    What purpose must I serve?
    These questions may never be answered…
    I am not sure of much these days.
    All I know…is that
    I
    Love
    You.

    I will love you through the darkest of times,
    I will love you through the end of days.
    I shall travel to the very ends of this universe, to find you.
    If you must ask for me to put my love into a mortal perspective…
    All that you have to do…
    Is count every star in the sky,
    Every grain of sand,
    Every smile on this earth,
    Every child that has…and will be born.
    Every piece of light.
    Every tree on this earth,
    And all of this…would not even account for a fraction of my love for you.

    I have been afraid,
    Everyday we have been together…
    Of losing you.
    And everyday you assure me I never shall…
    I know I have not lost you…
    My grief is unbearable.
    My grief is unfathomable.
    My love for you…
    Shall never die.

    My hand reaches out for you…
    To hold you…
    To kiss you…
    To love you.
    For my future on this mortal plane,
    I know not…
    I fear of the future…
    I know you will be by my side.
    I want to walk hand in hand with you….
    My lover.

    Please help me understand,
    For I am at a loss without you…
    I do not know what is right,
    All I can feel is your undying love…
    I am blessed to be yours…
    For there is no being as beautiful and loving as you in any plane.
    I shall try to continue…
    Please…
    Forgive me if I fail…
    Forgive me if I fall…
    I am trying…
    Trying to understand.
    To understand why I am here.
    To understand my purpose.
    For we all have one.

    As you slipped into a coma…you whispered my name…
    I heard you…
    Now I whisper yours…
    Can you hear me?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 2, 2007
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