Why won't you?... i thought you knew me

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Acetaminophen, Sep 21, 2007.

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  1. Acetaminophen

    Acetaminophen Well-Known Member

    Why won't you see that i'm not who you want me to be?
    all those dreams you have, they're not mine, all those times..."what times?"
    there weren't any...
    I'm still here, and i'm who you want me to be right now, but when will you let me be me?.. when will you understand that the son whom you wished yo be an achiever is a failure?, why can't you understand that your son is now a man, not a boy-puppet of yours anymore, i love you but you don't love me back. I feel guilty of not paying you back,. . for what? I didn't choose to be born under your arm, in fact i didn't choose to be born at all, why is it now that everyone of YOU blames ME for my existence? u MADE me,. . live with it!
    ....live with me.....

    Why won't you admit that i too can do some things right?
    When i tell you about my own little victories, you shrug uninterestedly and turn your back once again to make me realize how high your expectations are, that i am not good enough, that i'm a waste of time for you and the family, I tried, and still am trying to be "perfect" i try to be the son, the brother, the nephew, the boyfriend, the person that ALL of you want me to be

    Why won't you leave me alone for a while? give me some space, that's right i need SPACE away from YOU . . i can't believe how much i tried to show you who i am, but you are too blind to see the efforts behind all my failures, i have many failures becoz i try again and again, just to end up with more of your criticisms, criticisms which you only ASSUME . .
    i develop, i grow, i change, i'm ALIVE!!! but thanks to you, that too might change...

    You laugh everytime I try to dream, you laugh at my aspirations, you encourage me yet discourage me at the same time,. . .
    All of you laugh at my dreams, my hopes, my future . .
    You won't let me go but you also won't take me in, . .

    Who am I to you? what am i to you? Since when did you know what i'm capable of? since when did you see me play, perform, achieve, . .!!!
    You haven't!! u haven't seen me LIVE!!!.
    I tried to open all my doors for everyone of you to see me, inside out, Why did you all just shut me out and locked all those doors?
    Now i'm sealed shut, shut in my own basement of failures . .
    my house, my body, my mind, my soul . .

    Now tell me, am i nothing but just another failed experiment? a rotten apple?
    an unsuccesful project!? Coz that's how i feel . . I feel as if I got the bad end of the stick, . . "not that there's a good end"

    I thought you knew me, i thought you loved me, why can't you see that all of these, all my wounds, my imperfections are reflections of your selfishness,. . .
    You made me, physically, mentally and now you take control of my life, I give it to you, take me if u want, but i'll escape from this one way or another.
    You don't see in me the potential other "strangers" see in me, You lsee me as nothing more than a hopeless case.

    But you're wrong, i do have hopes, my dreams are with me,
    If i have to, i'll leave you behind to pursue them, I want this, more than i want you . . I need this more than i need you, Why can't you see that? I need a life that i can call my own, I don't need your money, i just want you support on this . . I want your encouragements, a few compliments maybe, to make me feel less like crap and more like your son again, spare me a few good words, even if u have to lie

    i still love you
    ...but you don't love me.....
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni


    I am sorry you are not accepted and loved for who you are. You should be. :hug:
  3. Acetaminophen

    Acetaminophen Well-Known Member

    ty, i'm more sorry for myself than you are
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