Why won't you see a doctor?!

[cots]

My mom (60F) has uncontrolled hypertension and despite my endless persuasions, she would not see a doctor.

Her BP hit a high of 193/119 yesterday and still she wouldn't go to a doctor. She said i was making a fuss and she was fine. She wouldn't let me take another reading.

She took another reading herself this morning while i was at work, and it dropped to 150 ish but that's actually still really high. Still wouldn't hear of going to a doctor.

I am at wits end. I don't understand why she wouldn't take charge of her own health. She's always squinting, but wouldn't go to the optician. She's always coughing, but wouldn't take see a doctor. Seriously what's going on?!!!

I'm sorry for posting this here. I just wanted to ask our seniors if you know why my mom is doing this and what she could be thinking. I cannot understand it. It's as though she's lost the will to improve her life, when it is actually very possible to lead a long and fulfilling life even with hypertension, once we get it controlled. And, how can I persuade her to see a doctor?

 

[Angie]

Hey, has mom ever gone to doctors?

Has she had a bad experience?

Is it a financial thing?

Is she scared she has an underlying bad condition she doesn't want to find out about?

and you are right 190/100 s is a bad number, dangerous territory.

I am wrestling with hypertension also as well as diabetes. Does mom have diabetes? That can make blood pressure bad also, but is concerning in itself.

 

[HappyKitty]

Your mum could be in denial. She's just like my aunt whose BP was checked by the doc and 200+ high too, not exaggerate and shes equally stubborn af dont wanna take meds.

Just the same with those who wouldn't want to go to therapy, like me example when i denied I have 'neurodivergent spectrum' or others. Usually when its so worse enough to make people panic then they would take it seriously. When people are in denial, they'd take it lightly like its nothing. Not everyone has the courage to admit help. You can try scaring her or be sarcastic with her.

 

[may71]

Some people are just really scared by or annoyed by doctors, or they grew up with an attitude of "toughing it out". Other people are scared of knowing about a health problem, and prefer to be in denial.

You might want to talk to a doctor about this yourself and get some advice. Like Kitty said, you could try scaring her if you can tell her what consequences she can expect if she doesn't get treatment (no guarantee that this won't backfire though).

You could also get advice from a doctor about some diet and lifestyle changes that could bring down her bp without meds. I think lowering sodium might be one option, but you should definitely ask for the advice of a doctor.

 

[Livelife]

There are several reasons for high blood pressure, you didn't say if she had other cardiac or pulmonary issues other than a cough which may or may not be part of this. And as mentioned already, committed diet and different kinds of lifestyle changes can bring the numbers down but in the range it's in at the moment, some medication is indicated for awhile. Just fyi, If you happen to be using a device that is one placed around the wrist or other limb...the readings can be somewhat inaccurate but usually only by 10 or 20 points so the B/P reading would still be way too high.

How long has it been this elevated? Is it a new development?

Does she complain of headache, ringing in the ears, vision problems other than the squinting although that might be related as well as the need for just visual correction like glasses? Are her kidneys ok?

Whatever her reason for not including doctors in her life when needed she can't possibly want to live with the complications chronic blood pressure can bring....maybe another relative, friend, or two can help change her mind? Although I don't know if "ganging up on her" will open the door, you'll have to assess if it might work.

I don't know if you know but I'll give a definition here anyway....The top number is the heart during its contraction, the bottom number is the heart muscle at rest, relaxed, refilling with blood. Your mom's heart is not relaxing at all, it's only a muscle and it will give out from not having a break. That's just one possible result along with stroke.

 

[Ash600]

There could be a variety of reasons as to why your mum does not wish to see a doctor, be it fear, denial,distrust embarrasment,discomfory or what I like to call, "that old school mentality" (I'm hard enough to handle this by myself without any outside assistance).

Naturally I've assumed that you've asked her yourself about the reasons regarding her reluctance to seek medical advice. As a suggestion, maybe consider bringing in a relative,close friend, religious or communal leader to help persuade your mother to go? Quite often and which I've experienced myself, there can be a reticence from parents to take advice from their kids. But they can be more likely to do so if it's from people of a similar generation as themselves.

From a medical point of view, no point in me adding my thoughts as they have already been eloquently covered by @Livelife . Suffice to say with the BP values as they are, I do hope that you will be able to persuade your mum to seek medical assistance.

 

[Livelife]

I realized I didn't really answer the question you were asking. If you are saying it's uncontrolled HTN then it sounds like you've known she's had it for awhile and she's been monitoring it. And yesterday's reading from what you said sounds like it's the highest it's been if I read that correctly. Ash brought up a really sound point, about it being an old school way of thinking for many in that generation and older (I am in the 60's age group myself) although generally speaking men are usually more reticent than women to seek out medical assist. And also his point of parents resisting their children's suggestions. Could it be a culturally related issue or some event or occurrence in her past history you are or aren't aware of? Do you have siblings, aunts, cousins, that can help with changing her mind? I hope you and/or others can get through to her.

 

[seabird]

It seems the situation is to the point that you most likely will have to make an appointment and go to it yourself. Explain - without emotion if possible, to her what you have set up, & give her the option of coming along. Of course you'll have to set this up ahead of time with the medical people such as the nurse &/or doctor at the clinic or office.
Perhaps once the ball is rolling so to speak, she will see her way to participating in her own health.

 

[KM76710]

I hope that you will be able to convince her to go for the sake of all involved. That high a BP is serious cause for concern. It may be like others mentioned the toughing it out or worrying about another issue being detected. I admit to being that way.

 

[cots]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and concern.

She has irregular heartbeats too, which she does nothing about. A few years ago, we went to a cardiologist, but she said his medicine made her feel worse and she decided to stop taking them. The cardiologist also said that if the meds were making her feel worse, she could stop taking them and just focus on a healthier lifestyle.

We did also go to a few other GPs who gave her HBP medicine but same complaint - she said they're not working and were making her worse.

She always has this impression that doctors are useless and are all trying to peddle medicine.

She only sees a doctor for her anxiety and depression (yup runs in us). Still, she would hear none of it when the psych tried to coax her to see a doctor for HBP.

I agree that she might be just toughing it out. She used to live on a farm where life wasn't the easiest, and they all had to tough things out because no one would hear of any complaints.

Yes, most of my aunts and uncles have HBP too, which they're on meds for. Might have to rope in some of them to convince her to see a doctor, provided she lets me talk to them regarding this.

 

[seabird]

has irregular heartbeats

This one part of her issues may be being made much worse by chronic dehydration & electrolyte/mineral imabalance.

She needs at the least a complete check-up.

 

[Livelife]

Did the physicians at any time mention CHF, the beginning of congestive heart failure? Is her energy at regular levels, although the depression affects that as well for many of us? Is she eating and drinking fluids properly? Does she ever faint or get light headed? Irregular heart beats are an arrythymia and depending on how they behave can come from several diagnoses and being examined for a need for a pacemaker might be a good idea if it's been quite awhile since her last exam by doctors. You say it runs in the family so that's helpful with diagnosis. They can test for pacemaker need by doing some challenge testing, no meds involved. Do your aunts and uncles have one? or CHF? Bottom line, she need a thorough cardiac exam.

 

[Saint Rita]

There's a home remedy to lower BP that I have used several times.

Take a few cloves of garlic and finely chop or grind them and leave them in air for 10 minutes then take a glass of lemonade and take it with the garlic. It works very fast.

 

[may71]

most of my aunts and uncles have HBP too, which they're on meds for.

Often times medication that works well for one close relative also works well for another. Can you find out what medications your aunts and uncles are on, and see if there's a drug that she hasn't tried yet? If one of her siblings calls her and tells her that they've been taking drug x with no or only mild side effects, she might be willing to give it a try.

It's also possible that a new BP medication has come on to the market since she was last on medication.

Might have to rope in some of them to convince her to see a doctor, provided she lets me talk to them regarding this.

It might be easier to get her consent to talk to them about what medications they're taking. If she sees the arm twisting coming, she may try to dodge it.

 

[Ash600]

There's a home remedy to lower BP that I have used several times.

Take a few cloves of garlic and finely chop or grind them and leave them in air for 10 minutes then take a glass of lemonade and take it with the garlic. It works very fast.

Often times medication that works well for one close relative also works well for another. Can you find out what medications your aunts and uncles are on, and see if there's a drug that she hasn't tried yet? If one of her siblings calls her and tells her that they've been taking drug x with no or only mild side effects, she might be willing to give it a try.

It's also possible that a new BP medication has come on to the market since she was last on medication.


It might be easier to get her consent to talk to them about what medications they're taking. If she sees the arm twisting coming, she may try to dodge it.

As a thought in light of the high BP readings which could indicate stage 2 or even 3 hypertension as well as the existing presence of cardio involvement, perhaps it would be best to skip the home remedies and allow the treating physicians to decide on the best form of treatment. In my humble view, this also includes swerving the "drug X worked for relative A, so let me have a go" school of thought. Not as simple as that as the presence of co-morbidities need to be taken into account as well as in this case an assessment of any possible or likelihood of target organ damage.

Important thing as has already been stated by @cots and recognised by others, is the importance of persuading the patient to seek medical services so they can decide on the best and appropriate form of treatment.

 

[Saint Rita]

As a thought in light of the high BP readings which could indicate stage 2 or even 3 hypertension as well as the existing presence of cardio involvement, perhaps it would be best to skip the home remedies and allow the treating physicians to decide on the best form of treatment. In my humble view, this also includes swerving the "drug X worked for relative A, so let me have a go" school of thought. Not as simple as that as the presence of co-morbidities need to be taken into account as well as in this case an assessment of any possible or likelihood of target organ damage.

Important thing as has already been stated by @cots and recognised by others, is the importance of persuading the patient to seek medical services so they can decide on the best and appropriate form of treatment.

I agree with you.

 

[may71]

this also includes swerving the "drug X worked for relative A, so let me have a go" school of thought.

I think everyone here agrees that the best thing for Cots' mom to do would be to see the doctor and take the medication that she's prescribed. The problem is that she's refusing to do that. Unless Cots or someone else can compel her to get medical treatment against her wishes, it's necessary to persuade her to get treatment, and what she can be persuaded to do may not include the most sensible thing.

While there's some basis for thinking that a drug that works for one relative for the same condition might work well for another, the main point is that the endorsement by a relative for a particular drug may be what's needed to coax her to get treatment. My view is that any bp drug a doctor is willing to prescribe and that she's willing to take is better than getting no treatment at all. Presumably, no doctor would prescribe her a drug that's worse than nothing.

Hopefully someone will be able to persuade her to do the most sensible thing, but if that fails, it's necessary to try a back up plan.

 

[seabird]

Hopefully someone will be able to persuade her to do the most sensible thing, but if that fails, it's necessary to try a back up plan.

It would seem that persuasion has alteady been tried and failed so I agree that a back-up plan needs to happen now.
Hence my suggestion that @cots (alone for now) go to a doctor and present these symptoms and emphasizes the fact that there is a need for an advocate for cots' mother.

 

[may71]

Hence my suggestion that @cots (alone for now) go to a doctor

I totally agree, and suggested something similar in post #4. I hadn't thought of trying to get a patient advocate, but that might be really good.

 

[Nick]

Hi @cots so I'm not quite in the same age group, but I've lived with a similar mindset for far too long probably. This hurts, that's weird, should my body be doing this? These sorts of things popping up. I have a serious diagnosed medical condition, and I suppose as I result I tend to ignore most of what my body says because it's just my x acting up and it will be fine. I've been "it will be fining it" for literal decades now.

It wasn't until this last year when I got a new doc, who isn't really into just sending me home with a new script, that I started digging into all the things I should have the last few decades. I would have never taken the step towards sorting it all out if the doctor hadn't insisted. For whatever reason, some of us are just stubborn as a mule when it comes to medical stuff, and need a push to get going in the right direction.