Why would he care for me?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by ThePhantomLady, Oct 25, 2015.

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  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I've had a really difficult weekend...

    I've not been well for a while, I'm stressed about my boyfriend's issues... his operation to remove scar tissue from his scalp (not severe at all, and it did go well...), the aftermath... him having headaches after it which is scary when he's brain damaged etc... and knowing he'll need more actual brain surgery in the future is stressing me so bad. It's tearing at his mental state too...

    Ever since he contacted me in the middle of the night several months ago; having a panic attack I have been waking up every time I just thought my phone made a noise; ready to save the world... if I fall asleep at all...

    My boyfriend getting better, I thought that'd be good. But I'm hitting rock bottom. I'm so damn vulnerable.

    I visited my mother this weekend, I do most weekends... and it's mostly out of duty; we have a really f*cked up relationship and I probably should kick her out of my life; and I have tried... but somehow I just can't.

    Earlier in the day on Friday when I came to her over a coffee we talked about some stuff.

    My economy is terrible right now. I'm on benefits, I can't find a job I can do... my sick back and hips limits my choices; and my confidence always breaks when I find a job I might be able to do.

    A life of bullying from other students, teachers, co-workers and my mum always makes me second guess myself... "don't be stupid. You won't fit in there... you'll mess up!"

    Practically when all my expenses are paid I barely have money for food... and I never managed to earn enough to save up, as soon as I get money something vital breaks and the money is gone.

    Mum told me if it all got worse of course I would be welcome to move home, but it wouldn't be good for either of us. She's right. It would literally kill me. *looks at all the scars and the countless failed suicide attempts I made since I was 9*... and she continued to talk like it was just normal... about how we never really got along, and that was just how it was.

    She wasn't even sad or sorry that we NEVER got along.

    She never connected to her own daughter...

    The older I get, the more it hurts. It hurts so bad to know I grew up without feeling loved, cared for or even secure. Our 'normal' is so messed up.

    Why?? Why did it have to be like that? How could anyone allow this?

    I pretended not to be affected, because tears are wasted on her, so I went to the bathroom where I could let go of the tears in private... I always ask for 'permission' to go to the bathroom... because I know what always happens... when I take more than 5 minutes she comes banging on the door telling me to get out. And Friday it made me bark back at her... I needed time to dry the tears and put on my 'everything is fine, of course' face.

    We kept biting at each other, and I know I did most of it... I tried to stop myself... but I was just so filled with hurt inside I couldn't stop it.

    It got ridiculous in the evening, when we got into an argument... a very stupid argument... but my favourite TV show started airing here on Friday, and though I had tried to suggest we moved it from Saturday til Sunday, she insisted even if she's retired and doesn't really do anything... and I suddenly wasn't sure I could make it home in time for the rerun even... (Doctor Who, and Sherlock is my life pretty much...). And I ended up, without thinking telling her what I have been thinking...
    "You told me to come Friday, I always do precisely what you say, you always run over me"... she ended up sobbing (I have always been convinced she only does that to control me) and told me I was being horrible for blaming her for everything.

    At that time the last buses and trains had stopped and I couldn't go home... so we had to try to be 'civil' again... plus we were going to a family lunch next day.

    We pretended like nothing had happened... but every second I was alone the tears just started to well up in my eyes; while as soon as someone entered I'd look perfectly fine, even with a cheery smile on my face and some witty joke.

    It didn't help when I was alone in my mum's aunt's living room, resting... mum was working in the garden, my aunt was helping mum's aunt with the dishes... and I thought about my boyfriend and how much he cares about me, trying to find some strength in that... that made it even worse.

    I'm 25, and while I care so endlessly much about him, I worry something happens to him, and I need him... I want to be with him forever... I still catch myself not being able to even grasp that he could feel the same for me. He tells me over and over again, he shows me too... he would tear down the world to save me... but I can't understand it.

    No one cared about me before... I was never worth caring for. I'm not the sort of person people care for...

    My mother... ugh... she can't care for anyone, especially not children. She can't connect with them. I think she had been relieved if I had succeeded killing myself when I was 9, or that the violent rape I went through at 13 was the end of me (I told her about it 2 years later, but she was more concerned with protecting the rapist because she knew him).

    My father, as far as I've been told couldn't care less about me. He was married to another woman when I was 'made', and chose that saving his marriage was more important than his little mistake. I've been told that he came to visit mum and me at the hospital the day after I was born (and nearly died) and didn't even want to look at me.

    My other 'close' family is my aunt, and my mum's aunt...

    My aunt, a now retired school teacher witnessed my mother's violence on several occasion... I remember reaching out for her, trying to beg with my eyes as I was lying on the floor and my mother was kicking me in the back... my aunt just stood there frozen.
    My aunt only cares about me when she can use me... now for fixing her computer, and as a kid to test her school stuff since I had the same age as her students...

    my mother's aunt is just awkward... she's never been bad to me, she's just... well, she's the way she is.

    my previous relationship had nothing to do with love or trust...

    I have an amazing best friend though... but I don't allow her to be there for me when I struggle... She wants to, she really does... but I just put on my 'I will be okay, don't worry!' face. Not because I don't trust her... but because I don't want to burden her... she's ill enough on her own (schizophrenia among other stuff)... and there's always that 'voice' at the back of my head going "why is she wasting her time on you?"

    I've been informed by a therapist once that the 'voice' is my mother...

    Yesterday mum and I had to visit the cemetery where my grandparents and great grandparents are buried (grandparents died before I was born). Visiting there is always just about planting flowers and making it look 'presentable'... there's never a nod to who's actually in the ground... and I actually started visualizing myself being put there... wondering if they would even bother with those flowers. They probably would... so no one would judge.

    While I don't want to leave my boyfriend and my best friend... that cold ground seems so inviting...
  2. afterlifepig

    afterlifepig Well-Known Member

    you need some unconditional love. maybe get a dog? i always had that from my parents and it's made me into a good person even though i might have been a psycho just from my appearance. we also have a cat who is a much beloved part of the family.

    as for your boyfriend, i don't know if this is a good comparison, but i have grown to love my cat ... all he does is sit with me and maybe purr and lick me ... but i find him to be a suitable receptacle for my love. if you're a good person and supportive to your boyfriend, if he is a loving type of person, maybe that's all that matters to him?

    if you want to think about this more philosophically, there are bonds that tie people together ... usually parenthood would be one of those but it seems like you have a bad relationship ... just familiarity can eventually create bonds between people ... a surge of oxytocin, the love hormone, can become a bond ... just a mutually supportive relationship ... i don't know ... i think my cat example shows it doesn't take much for a person to be loveable, and you seem to have many positive qualities, much more than my cat i would guess
  3. SinSentido

    SinSentido Member

    I can relate to your money and relationship issues. They suck a big one.

    Your story is raw. I can sense your pain and hope it has since passed.
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