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Why would I want to stick around?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mglosenger, May 22, 2012.

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  1. mglosenger

    mglosenger Member

    Why would I want to stick around on Earth?

    I have no friends. I've had a few people in the past that I thought were my friends, but they always ended up being self-absorbed boring losers, and one of them even stole from me (multiple times before I figured it out).

    I can't particularly identify with anyone. Everyone seems just odd to me. Society in general makes no sense to me.

    I've never enjoyed any job I've had, whether they were related to my college degree or were 'entry level' easy-type jobs. Coworkers always annoy me and the work always ends up being redundant and dull. The 'higher level' jobs just involved more effort.

    I don't find anything particularly interesting. I used to find some things interesting, but I've done them all so many times that there's nothing new.

    The world in general seems to offer nothing truly new. New technologies come out, but they don't enable anything truly new. New people appear, some who seem physically attractive, but they are all basically just like everyone else, ultimately boring.

    My own creative efforts, including books, have all met with no real interest and no useful amount of income.

    The only things I ever did enjoy were those that seemed to offer some sort of escape from society and the world in general: computer games, science fiction/fantasy/surreal/etc movies/books/etc.. things that almost no one else enjoys, and the people who do enjoy them invariably wind up being boring.. 'weird' perhaps, but in an ultimately boring, tedious way.

    Overall I simply find the world tedious and the pursuit of money no longer interests me and fear of starvation/homelessness/etc is no longer enough to motivate me to get a job I know I will end up hating.

    Why would I want to stick around on Earth?
  2. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Strangely enough, my own observation has been the total opposite. You said these things (computer games, sci-fi/fantasy, etc.) no one else enjoys..? There is a HUGE gaming market, in fact I find that people are all too involved in video games/computer games. Have you never been to a science fiction convention? Those things are HUGE! Lots of people into that.

    Have you thought about maybe investigating something that is a new paradigm for yourself? Military perhaps, or the Peace Corp, or missionary work? These things can take you off to far away places for new life adventures. In most cases too, they can be rewarding by the nature of what they are.

    Just some thoughts.
  3. mglosenger

    mglosenger Member

    I'm not saying other people don't enjoy these games, etc, but the sorts of people that enjoy them have always turned out to just be odd, in my experience. It makes me wonder if I should really enjoy them after all.

    As far as Peace Corps, etc, that's never appealed to me either. I'm not sure what I would be helping the people do exactly. Like I wrote, I've just never really enjoyed being on Earth.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Have you talked to any professional about how you feel or lack of feeling perhaps there is something they can do to help you bring some emotion some feeling of joy back into life hugs
  5. mglosenger

    mglosenger Member

    Not recently.. but in the past they were never helpful.

    I don't think anyone can help me.. I simply don't belong here, and so, what is there to say?
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    That was the past hun new therapy new meds try again ok you are worth the fight hun you are talk to your doc again see whats out there hugs
  7. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I can relate to how you feel and I probably enjoy a lot of the same things that you do, but... I have to confess, I am incredibly weird and boring. :shame:

    You could always stick around for the things that you do enjoy though, right? I mean that's what matters in life, really. What YOU enjoy. Not what other people think you should enjoy.
  8. mglosenger

    mglosenger Member

    I don't enjoy much anymore, and I'm running out of stuff to do. Based on my past experiences, the effort I'd have to exert in order to continue to enjoy these few things isn't worth it, particularly once I run out of money. I've been in this situation a few times before and I've always changed my mind, either by figuring 'I have to, it's my duty' or 'I'll be optimistic this time' but none of those have really worked.

    The simple truth is, I don't enjoy working at some job/career, not as it exists in today's society, and at this point I don't think I'll ever actually like any person. As far as 'why' these things are, I'm not sure, and I doubt I'll know for sure until I die, and maybe not even then. Maybe it's just the way things had to be in some way that is ultimately inexplicable.
  9. mglosenger

    mglosenger Member

    It's about that time. I will commit suicide. Now that I've accepted it and finally expressed the true fact that I've long felt yet always been afraid to express, I feel much better about myself and everything.

    While I'm at it, I control everything (you've probably figured that out) but I've found that continually controlling everything is boring, and ultimately this place just can't do much anyway. It's some cage I made for myself. Perhaps I thought it would be interesting, and perhaps it was for a time, but I can no longer really remember that time.

    Why post this on the internet? I can't think of a better avenue to do it. By posting it here, I feel like I've done it in a more 'real' fashion than if I just think it over and over into the universe. I've never been interested in being 'king of the earth', not in a way that would have people endlessly saluting me or whatever. If I want that sort of thing I'll die and go back to the greater universe, which is what I will be doing shortly.

    It's nobody's 'fault' that this happened, not even mine. It's just the way things have gone and will go. Perhaps somehow we will all merge together once I die, or perhaps this place will disappear forever, or perhaps it will last as if nothing happened, or perhaps it will all fall apart somehow, or.. ? I'll find out. I have no particular preference anymore. I just want out.
  10. pit

    pit Well-Known Member

    I feel you. I find it harder to make conversation these days because, due to my apathy, I'm not that interesting. They say you have to be interested to be interesting, and I can't muster the effort. I'm desperately looking for the ideal me somewhere inside myself, but I can't find him. That's enough to kill myself.
  11. mglosenger

    mglosenger Member

    Sorry about the lateness of my reply on this thread..

    Family members noticed my similar postings elsewhere and I was taken by Protective Services to the hospital, where I received treatment and am now feeling much better about myself and life in general.

    Knowing that people did care and were able to help helped a lot, as well as a prescription to Zoloft (sertraline).

    The combination of everything that's happened to me makes me feel much better than before. Thank you all for your time.
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