Why ?

[Fatman1966]

Why has my life turned out like this ?

Why when I thought I was getting better, do I find it harder now ?

Why do I drink so much ?

Why after 12 years have I started smoking again ?

Why do bad things happen to good people ?

Why does no one understand ?

Why cant I tell a real person how I feel ?

Why does it hurt so much ?

Why do I feel so cheated ?

Why am I angry ?

Why am I gay ?

Why have I spend so many years thinking about this ?

Why is living for me so hard ?

Why cant I move on this point ?

Why do all roads end up back at this same place for me ?

Why can the people that love me most not see how much pain I'm in ?

Why can no one see there is something seriously wrong ?

why have I alway felt like damaged goods ?

Why am I a living ghost ?

Why ?


Feel free to add your own unanswerable questions here !!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[TheBLA]

Do you really feel those questions are unanswerable? I think I can answer mine. but the answer would be painful.


Why am I the biggest loser alive?
Why is everyone around me better than me at everything?
Why was I raised wrongly? Why am I so inferior?
Why don't more people understand depression and suicidal feelings/people?
Why did I leave so early from Saudi Arabia to come to the U.S?

 

[smackh2o]

You know peeps, a lot of your questions can be answered by fear. The rest are environmental issues. Except being gay. That's something you are and although there is still a lot of ignorance in the world about it (caused by fear), some of the world is changing its ideas. It is not a bad thing.

Why can no one see there is something seriously wrong ?

Because even the people closest to you sometimes fear. My parents fear talking to me, they know ive got some very serious problems but theyre scared to ask and i cant tell them.

Can you give us a small story of your life so we can see why youve asked these questions? Or direct us to a previous thread?

nkrukato, when did you leave Saudi Arabia? And is it Saudi customs that have caused your depression or westernized society or is it something else?
Just making a note that i know this is a very sensitive subject to people and i mean no offence to anyone, i'm purely interested in helping and it helps to know causes of pain which are usually environmental.

 

[Fatman1966]

Here's a link to my other thread.

http://www.suicideforum.com/showthread.php?t=19729

I'm stupid really, at my age I should have sorted myself out by now, I'm so in control of other aspects of my life, like work, have a good job, nice house, flash car, but rather than deal with this, I'm going to end up being alone for the rest of my days.

Hmm, it just doesn't seem fair, Im a good person, I 've done nothing wrong.

 

[Terry]

If I started on the why me road I'd get swallowed up by grief.
We have to look to the future not the past.
Make a plan of campaign. Write down what you want to achieve and how you're going to try to get it.

Good people often get the shit end of the stick. Seems kindness, integrity, honesty and niceness don't count for much in this lousy world. (Sorry a chronic moment of bitterness just hit me).

Well I'm gonna have to stop answering this, have got too upset and am now wallowing in self pity.

Sorry.

 

[Fatman1966]

Not sure if its allowed.

But you now have a face to go with the name.

And yes it is me before you ask.

Edit - Sorry got told to take it down, really must read the rules !!!!!!

You see I am a strong, independant person, in every other aspect.

Apart from this !!!!

It's ok to feel sorry for your self, especialy when no one else does.
May be not just as long as I have.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

:rose:

 

[Beachboy]

Why has my life turned out like this ?
Because life is a challenge, one that constantly betters yourself.
Why when I thought I was getting better, do I find it harder now ?
Because new challenges arise and sometimes this catches you unaware.
Why do I drink so much ?
Beacuase maybe your pain is muted by drink.
Why after 12 years have I started smoking again ?
Because again it mutes your pain.
Why do bad things happen to good people ?
Change bad to "interesting obstacles" and see how you feel about the question then.
Why does no one understand ?
Because maybe you have not found your voice.
Why cant I tell a real person how I feel ?
Because you may fear rejection or feel embarrased.
Why does it hurt so much ?
Because you have no voice.
Why do I feel so cheated ?
Because you want that voice!
Why am I angry ?
Because you feel cheated.
Why am I gay ?
Because that is who you are.
Why have I spend so many years thinking about this ?
Because you want to feel good about it.
Why is living for me so hard ?
Beacause you don't feel good about it.
Why cant I move on this point ?
Because you feel stuck and you are unsure what to do.
Why do all roads end up back at this same place for me ?
Because the same script is being played out. (Hint change some of the words).
Why can the people that love me most not see how much pain I'm in ?
Because you are only giving a partial truth.
Why can no one see there is something seriously wrong ?
Because you are only giving a partial truth.
why have I alway felt like damaged goods ?
Because you script is damaging you.
Why am I a living ghost ?
Because you can not be real.
Why ?
What is your answer to that?

Beachboy x

 

[smackh2o]

I just read your other post. I think you need to face up to yourself and be happy with who you are. Most of us are being brought up in societies that don't like the word different. I say screw them! Let them live with their petty fears until they find out that hatred is their enemy just as much as yours.
And as for being 40, you know what they say, life begins! There must be ways of finding other guys out there who you can just be friends with and go out with and have fun with which might lead to something else.
And as for your soul, feed it! Your starving yourself, if your not proud of yourself and deny you are something or hide it away your just starving a part of yourself. No one gets to pick what they will be, we just make the most of it and have a damned good time. I really hope you can build your confidences up and keep posting back to let us all know how your doing.
You have all my wishes.

 

[Fatman1966]

Sometimes I have only answers.

Sometimes I have only questions.

It's just so not like me any other part of my life, I had so much promise, so much to look forward to, so much going for me, then my life stopped.

A guy at work even said to me only a few days ago, and this is the gods honest truth " I want to be you", which kind of messed with my head.

I am confortable in my own skin, with who I am, what I am, I think the guy that said " your a straight guy trapped ina gay mans body", may well have been right.

I guess I'm looking for an impossible thing, a "normal relationship" and a "normal life", 2.4 children, an estate car, a dog, sunday trips to the zoo, family holidays, long walks, romantic meals and all the other things that relationships bring, nothing special, just run of the mill stuff.

But that's never going to happen.

How can that happen

I'm gay !

My future holds nothing but scorn, derision, humiliation, bigotry, hatred and fear.

Should I really be striving to achieve this !!!

 

[Fatman1966]

Beachboy

Why have I spend so many years thinking about this ?
Because you want to feel good about it.

This is a true gem of wisdom, something I hadn't considered.

Why ?

Thats the trouble with a traditional macho upbringing and all the crap that comes with it, part of me is at odds with the world for not being more tolerant, another parts is at odds with who I am and the relationship I desire.

I have accepted that I'm gay, it's everyone else that's will be the problem ?

 

[Fatman1966]

A part of me finds all this "talk" of wanting to die a little strange ?

If and when I make that choice, having come close years ago, there will be no words, no note, no calls for help, no emotion at all.

It's such a private thing, why would I want to share it ?

Not feeling so again........ Sorry

but I'm just so bored with being like this.

It's like I'm stuck in that most painfull day of your life and am forced to live it over and over and over again, every thing is starting to remind me of that.

Even silly things set me off, like the "Take That" 10 year reunion show that was on the telly tonight, I feel the pain that lies behind those interviews, how stupid is that, Im old enough to be their dad and I bever really liked them at the time, but you could see the pain behind their eyes

 

[romance5]

why do i feel this way?
why did that have to happen to me?
if it never happened, would i still be suicidal?
why am i so confused yet i clearly know what's going on?
why can't i talk to anyone about it?
what did i do to deserve something so horrible happen to me?


i can't breathe...i'm suffocating in these depressing thoughts of mine
i don't know why i had to go through the kind of horrible trauma i had to expirence....

 

[Fatman1966]

May be there are no answers to some questions and never really will be.

But.....

In this palce there is always someone, who is really no one, that you can talk to.

(I don't meen that in a nasty way)

This place can be a bit like a diary, that talks back, if you want it to be, you can tell your inner most secrets as we are all nameless faceless people here, which can work well, if you let it.

Kind of like that little voices we all have in our heads, only here those thoughts, are the thoughts of other people, rather than your own clouded judgement.

 

[Ziggy]

I know lots of gay people and they are the happiest people I know, they don't have a future of scorn, derision, humiliation, bigotry, hatred and fear, they have the most most loving and happy relationships I know which makes me completely envious of them.
Being gay is not a bad thing.
Seeing it as a bad thing is the problem.
There are lots of people out there who will accept you for who you are, problem is finding them.

 

[Beachboy]

As a gay man I am well aware of the pitfalls of coming out and more so being cool with who you are. It can be an odd experience. I think you are right to be cautious as homophobia now is worse in that it is more hidden. It kind of catches you unaware and there is still so much bullshit attached to the concept of being gay because of unsympathetic media coverage and cultural issues.

HOWEVER!

I am of the opinion (and this is a recent thing for me) that I am no different from a female dealing with sexism, a black man dealing with racism, an AIDS patient dealing with isolation and rejection. Difference and misunderstanding creates fear. It seems humans will go to great lengths to push that fear factor away. BUT not everyone "fears" difference. Infact if you think about it we are all different. It is when we believe in labels that we loose our sense of self.

SO.........

The first thing I would do in your situation is really appreciate your uniqueness more so than just being gay. The second thing is find other people who share the same thing as you. This will stop you feeling isolated. Initially it could just be a phone call so that you can be incognito (spelt right??). Then start the process of being you and trust me even though it is so hard to do it is incredibly liberating and if anything you suddenly connect with you.

Consider counselling. Don't think peoples negative reactions are set as standard. Remember fear can be irrational but very strong. Peoples minds change over time.

You are not alone.

Beachboy x