I will readily admit to having made mistakes in my life. But I've paid for them, and I've tried to do the right thing, and be there for others. So, why? Why has God let the one thing in my life that made it worth living, the one thing I am proud of, the one thing that matters, be destroyed?? I use to want to find a relatively painless, quiet way to die if I ever did do it. Now, I want it messy. Violent. Horrific. Something that makes the police who find my body be sick. I am so angry. I've never felt this hopeless before. I'm watching the one person I have ever cared about being taken down. Nothing matters. I want to fucking die. Fuck everything. Fuck life. Sorry. I know this isn't pleasant to read. In my "real" life, I have to appear strong, like I'm keeping it together. No one here knows how close i am to losing it. Losing everything, nothing matters. I want to see blood.