Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Sa Palomera, Dec 3, 2006.

  1. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    How Dare You!

    You fucking KNOW how I had and still have such a hard time dealing with how things went with Sharon and you fucking KNOW how scared I am, cos this thing we have going on is starting to seem SO DAMN similar to the situation I was in with her! And yet, eventhough you promised me that you would TALK to me when you feel down or feel like doing anything, you just say that you feel like shit and then go off, leaving me behind, knowing that you're about to SH. You KNOW how much that hurts me and yet you do it.

    You know I can't abandon you, I love you too much and besides, I know what'll happen if we 'take some time off'. I'm scared of what you'd do and I could really not have something like that happen to someone I love so much again. You know I already kind of killed 2 people in my life. Yeh I didnt shoot them or anything, but I did indirectly cause them to die, or at least if I had picked up that damn phone Sharon woulda still be alive and if I hadn't told that other person the things I told him, he woulda still be alive either. I can't be the cause of a third person to die. Especially not someone I care about so much.

    You can't keep doing this to me. You need to TALK to me, and not just say you feel like shit and then go off, leaving me behind, all scared and worried. You can't keep doing this. I cannot take this anymore!

    *ahem, sorry for the rant, needed to get it out* :shy:
  2. The_Discarded

    The_Discarded Staff Alumni

    Glad ya got it out, girlie.

    Hope things get lotsa better for you!

    :hug: :cheekkiss :hug:
  3. blub

    blub Guest

    Good you said this, you know I'm here for you :hug: :cheekkiss
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am glad you were able to say what you felt ishtar. I do need to say something about your feeling towards being responsible for the deaths of those two people. We always second guess ourselves and say If only I....they wouldn't have. The truth of the matter is the choice was theirs to make and they made it. Probably nothing you would have done or said would have changed that. I know where your thoughts and feelings come from. I feel responsible for some of the deaths of people in my life too. I won't go into that here. Just know I understand, and you really are not responsible. Take care hun. :hug:
  5. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    thanks for the lovely words people. Means a lot. I really just needed to get it off my chest that's all.

    @ Gentle: I AM responsible for it though, it's not about second guessing or anything. But meh. It's just something I'll have to live with. Nothing I can do about it now :(
  6. BrokenPieces

    BrokenPieces Well-Known Member

    its better out in the open than bottled inside...

    hope things are better for you now..

    Miss you hun...

  7. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni


    I'm TRUELY sorry i worried you like that, you know i never meant it like that, everything i just said on the phone i meant. I honestly never meant you to take what i said that way, i just meant that i was having the urge and i needed to sleep so i couldn't do anything for you. I was worried about you at first, thats why i tried talking to you on msn and tried calling you 4 times and sent you a text.

    I know you worry about me alot, and i've been worried about you alot! and you know i have, especially with whats happened the past few days, you know how much you scared me, even Terry sensed how much you scared me that night. But im glad your okay, i couldnt bare it if anything happened to you!

    With all my heart i never meant it the way you took it and im sorry for keeping you up all night worrying about me. I know you got Terry to call me and i dunno why she couldn't get thru to me and im truely sorry she couldn't, i would of called you or came online if i knew what was happening. I went offlne straight away because Matt said you was having computer problems, so when i was feeling like doing it again i tried calling you, i tried 4 times but you didn't answer, i just assumed you was asleep so i thought i should do the same thing so i couldn't so anything.

    You know i wanna stop, and both of us are gonna stop the way we're self harming, we're gonna do it together okay? Today i'm gonna try my hardest to stop, stop forever for you and i want you to do the same. I want you to get rid of your self harming things, give them to your housemates, you've done it before and you need to do it again. Today i'm gonna lock my knifes in box that needs a key to open it, so if i ever have the urge i have time to think about what im doing. We can start counting the days again like we did yesterday and this time me and you are gonna make it more than one day.

    As i keep saying, you can't keep comparing me to Sharon, im not her and you know it, hun you even did it while on the phone to me just know, you don't even realise that your doing it. To be honest it hurts that you keep comparing me to her because im not her. I tell you time and time again i couldn't hurt you the way she did and you know i couldn't. I made you that promise and i intend to keep it and i know you keep worrying that one day im gonna snap and i can't say that i won't because you know what im like when i freak out, i say things i don't mean, but i swear with all my heart that i intend to keep that promise, theres no way i could hurt you like that, i can't put you thru that again.

    I feel sooooo shit that i worried you like that, i honestly feel guilty :cry: i never meant it the way it was taken, i just needed to sleep so i couldn't do anything, not like i did earlier that night.

    Hun i do try talk to you, i honestly do but sometimes i feel shit and theres no reason for it and i can't explain it, but i DO try talking to you. You know how hard it is to talk to you sometimes, especially if i tell you im about to self harm and you turn around and say 'go ahead, im gonna do it too aswell' hun that hurts so bad, i feel guilty for even talking to you about it because i feel like if i hadn't talked to you then you would be self harming because i am. You can't keep doing that and i've told you that.

    I'm so glad you told me what you did the other night, i know how hard it was for you to tell me, especially after you promised yourself you would NEVER tell anyone, but im so glad you did hun. To me that just shows how muh you trust me and i respect that alot! you know how i feel about those 2 situations and i dunno if you remember what i said that night because you was in a pretty bad way, but if you do i meant everything i said and with all my heart i don't think your responsible for what happened. I think you put far to much blame on yourself and you can't keep doing it to yourself because its killing you.

    I know you feel that this is the same situation that you was in with Sharon but im not her and you know sometimes i get scared, especially how i got hurt by ****, me and her got close in such a small amount of time just like our friendship has happened, and you know how much she hurt me and i don't wanna get hurt like that again. I trusted her like i do you and she turned round and stabbed me in the back and it seriously nearly killed me. I know you wouldn't hurt me like that, i know your not her. You gotta understand im NOT her and i never will be, half the time you don't know your comparing us.

    Apart of me feels like you see me as her, like you love and care for me because to you this is a similar situation, and a small part of me feels like you don't love me at all and that you see her in me and you love me for that and in a way you want to save her thru me. I dunno if thats true, but a part of me feels like that. All i can do is take your word for how much you care for me.

    And im sorry for keeping you up all night worrying, i truely am, and im sorry for anyone else i worried especially Terry as you tried to call me, sorry you couldn't get thru, technology theses days :dry: hehe but please don't worry about me, im fine.

    Love you

    Viks xxx

    *HUG ATTACK!!!*
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    no need to apologise Viks, my sleep is shit anyways :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

    Lord knows what was wrong with the number I had, ended up getting thru to some american guy :laugh: :laugh:

    glad your both safe :hug: :hug:
  9. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    lol maybe i should give ya my number just in case :smile:

    Urgh all this technology and when ya need it the most it don't bloody work!! :laugh: what is the world coming to eh :laugh:

    orrrrrrrrrrrr that america guy i have stashed under my bed picked the phone up :wink: :bleh:
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 4, 2006
  10. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    You have a man that lives under your bed!?!? :eek:hmy: :rolleyes:
  11. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Apparently so!!! :eek:hmy: Terry got thru to some American guy on my 'number' :eek:hmy: :eek:hmy: hehehe :biggrin: :tongue:
  12. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Lucky dog :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :rolleyes:
  13. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Hehehe hes on his way to ya :wink: