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  1. Wysteria Blue

    Wysteria Blue Well-Known Member

    I don't know what to do anymore... I have tried everything in my tool box, every trick I know to self soothe and ground. I've tried, God knows I've tried. It has been so long now and my last real hope is fading with the setting sun. I just don't know how to take another minute let alone another hour or day of this fist around my heart and band around my throat. Can't sleep or think or hope right now.

    I know I'm supposed to be able to ride the waves..to endure..to grin and bear it. But with the resignation that my last hope is probably snuffed out, I just don't have anything left inside. I'm used up and useless. I've never asked, 'why me?' Doesn't even matter really, it just is. But I cannot exist like this anymore. The tears won't even fall down my cheeks, like they are impervious to gravity.

    Everything is just beyond me, and I have no idea how to even lift my head to see where it has gone. I hurt. I just f-ing hurt. I feel smothered by unshed tears and disillusioned dreams. not why me...just WHY?

    I honestly can't handle this. I just can't.... I'm sorry. Didn't mean to rant.
    ...another day without even hearing the sound of my own voice.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Don't be sorry hun rant away ok I hear you and i am sorry you are in such pain right now . Hugs to you
     
  3. Wysteria Blue

    Wysteria Blue Well-Known Member

    Thanks total eclipse..

    I'm trying so hard. Trying to get out of myself. Trying to ignore it all or just listen to others or smile and fake it.

    I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what losing this last hope of treatment will mean. I've just got to see some other path, but I don't. Why can't I catch a break here? just the opportunity to fight again?.

    Got another screaming message from my ex about my inability to do what needs to be done and how I'm not enough. Never enough.

    I used to be someone so different...now I'm a useless bag of flesh. No wonder I think about sui all the time.

    I'm tired. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of the silent screams of pain. Some wish I would stay that way. Not worth it.

    *hangs head in shame*
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOUr ex need to go away and stay away from you if all he can do is harm you I hpe you get a break hun and you get the right treatment to help you You are tired hun i know that feeling i do but don't give up ok hun YOU SCREAM you fight you get the help y ou deserve hun ok don't give up hugs
     
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